Now and Zen

 Phil Jackson...Talent or Luck?

Phil Jackson has won eleven titles coaching the Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers. He has earned the nickname "Zen Master" for his unique way of coaching, perfecting Tex Winter's Triangle Offensive and harnessing enigmatic personalities such as Dennis Rodman and the immortal Ron Artest.  He has never lost a first round playoff series after winning the first game and has been more successful in the past twenty years than the Harlem Globetrotters, Creed, and Lyle Lovett combined.

However, as the old saying goes, a coach is only as good as his players.  And for that matter, his players have been unprecedentally outstanding.  Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe Bryant, LUKE WALTON.  The first four were top five players in their respective primes ON THE SAME TEAM. It was as if Phil Jackson had rigged the fantasy draft on NBA Live so he could have the top two picks for the next twenty years.  Throw in some invaluable role players (Horace Grant, Rodman, Kukoc, Harper, the soulless Derek Fisher, etc.) and Jackson's teams were more powerful than Team Iceland from The Mighty Ducks II, and let me tell you, Phil Jackson is no Gordon Bombay.

No matter how fortunate Jackson has been his entire coaching career, I have considered Jackson to be just another cocky, media-manipulating public figure that I brushed aside, not unlike Lindsay Lohan.  That was until the Lakers faced off against the Rockets earlier this season.  Jackson was asked about Rudy Tomjanovich, Houston's fantastic coach during their back-to-back championship years in the mid-90's, and his chances on making the Hall of Fame.  From The Big Lead:

“We’ll see. I’m not on that committee. I like all the coaches to get a chance to go in.”

Jackson agreed with the argument that the Rockets’ championships were tainted because Michael Jordan was out of the league for the first of their title seasons and much of the next.

“Definitely,” Jackson said. “Without a doubt. Clearly, if the Bulls were whole, we would have won. It’s pretty much registered by now. When Michael played, we won the championship.”

Now, the rumor is that this was part of Jackon's "dry" sense of humor, but come on, this is coming from the same guy who wore a hat that proved his "dominance" over professional basketball after winning his tenth championship.  I have no problem with Jackson being in the Hall of Fame, he has earned it no matter how bitter I am that his team can pull off one-sided trades that change the entire makeup of the league.  But to even pretend to say that Rudy T doesn't deserve the Hall of Fame is like saying that Leif Garrett isn't perfect for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Phil Jackson is a great coach who may very well go down as the greatest coach in NBA history...but do I think he is as talented as work-hard-and-stay-modest Spurs coach Gregg Popovich (someone who I have been trained to disdain as a Rockets fan)?  No way.  I'm pretty sure Charlie Kelly could show up high on paint and win at least six championships with Phil Jackson's talented teams.  Don't believe me?  Look at Mike Brown, who coached a team to the NBA Finals (not to mention eventually named Coach of the Year) purely because he gave the ball to LeBron and told everyone else to get out of the way.  But just like the fact that I think Cloverfield is one of the greatest movies of all-time, I know I am the minority on this one. 

(PS - Happy birthday to Nick, who can break as many windows in failed attempts to kill a hornets' nest as he wants today.)

-PB

Ty's Top Ten Life Regrets, Part II (and the introduction of the sub-top ten list)

Well I'm back. I believe I finished numero 5 in my last blog. I'm gonna take this part of the list to a new dimension, the sub-top ten list. I may be wandering down a dangerous road here, full of sub-sub and sub-sub-sub top ten lists but its ok cause I'm only a guest contributor, Ryan will be left to clean up in the aftermath.

4.) My childhood obsession with professional wrestling - While some of my favorite childhood memories consist of watching and then dangerously attempting to re-create professional wrestling, my steadfast defense of its legitimacy (probably until the age of 12) is the ultimate trump card against me in any argument. I can't count the times I presented what I thought to be an air-tight case against my parents' claims that pro wrestling was fake. I don't regret watching, only the blindness to its true nature, not sport (as I was convinced) but a glorious, half-horribly acted melodrama, half-freak show. So, here is the top ten list of my favorite childhood wrestlers:

1. Sting - c'mon
2. Macho Man Randy Savage
3. Lex Luger
4. The Undertaker
5. Hacksaw Jim Dugan
6. Rick Flair
7. The Giant
8. Booker T
   
9. Diamond Dallas Page
   
10. Kevin Nash
    

Side Note: One thing I do not regret: perusing the Wikipedia pages of said wrestlers. Do yourself a favor and meandor that way, just skip straight to the "personal life" section. Or, for a live-action, slightly less tragic experience, watch The Wrestler. Here's a gem from Ric Flair's page: "In September 2007, Flair opened a financial business called Ric Flair Finance. In July 2008, Ric Flair Finance filed for bankruptcy"

3.) Ok here is a list of the top ten jobs I wish I had. I'm not sure if there is one single regrettable decision that would lead to one job that I wish I had so I'm just gonna list them. Also, obviously I would rather be a professional athlete or some other ridiculously unobtainable jobs but I'm gonna restrict this sub list to things that I could conceivably (I'm using conceivably very loosely) have, given some change in my past, achieved.

1. Heir
   
2. Joel Mchale - This a job, right? Don't mind if I just make wise cracks about celebrities and reality TV (the Soup really writes itself), learn from Senor Chang and hang with Annie and Britta. I'm comin' for ya Joel, I'm taking your life as my profession...creepy but still...
   
3. Facebook/Google - I don't really know what people at Facebook or Google do, but it sounds awesome to say you work at Facebook, try it, also, and in no way can I back this up, but I'm pretty sure they wear flip flops and hoodies to work.
4. Member of an entourage - I should have been stalking potentially talented actors or pretty boys, then hitched my wagon and reap the benefits, thanks HBO and Mark Wahlberg for waiting so long to air this show
5. Sports announcer - Every guy feels like they could do a better job as a color commentator than whoever is currently commenting on whatever game they are watching. I am no different. If you're reading NBC, here are a few things I would bring to the table: the word bamboozle. This word should be used way more in announcing games..."Peterson takes the handoff, cuts rights and bamboozles the outside linebacker" or "Norv Turner with an absolutely bamboozling play call on the goal line" or even as an exclamation "3rd and long, Vick drops back...Peppers coming hard off the edge aaaanndd BAAAAAMMMMboozle!!! Peppers with the sack!!" Well...that's about all I would bring.
6. Radio Personality - Either music or sports. But especially sports, I would of course finagle my way into working with Michelle Beadle.
   
7. Producer or camera man on an MTV reality show - I would instigate so many things.
   
8. Blogger - someone pay me for writing this
   
9. Andy Richter - this is a job right? Being best friends with Conan?
10. Dunder Mifflin employee - I'll do anything, accounting with Kevin, sales with my buddy Jim, heck I'd even be on the road with Todd Packer. Of course, I'd feel bad about splitting up my friends Jim's marriage but whatever.
    

2.) My childhood was a great time for sports, Cowboys were dominant, Rockets won two championships, and I got spoiled. Since the mid-nineties I have had to watch my Houston teams and Aggies disappoint me. Sure there have been bright spots but I would love to have bought low, to become a fan of a team now surpassing all expectations or at least follow a team and watch them ascend the ranks. Here's the top ten:

1. Patriots - the patriots were terrible in the early nineties. They've had a little recent success. Also, I would totally drop my "R's" and say stuff like "Tauwm Brady is wicked awesome, he threw that bawl so frikkin' fah"
   
2. Oklahoma Thunder - So many good young, understated players. I think Smith is already on board with this one.
   
3. Clippers - Blake Griffin, and all the above reasons
   
4. Celtics - See Patriots above and add "Peeaahse and Rahndo! Gaahnett and Allen!"
5. Bosie/TCU - Not sure if they'll continue to be successful but the Oklahoma win alone would make it worth being a long-time Boise follower. I coulda won a lot of bets.
   
6. Florida - They were good back in the day too, but c'mon, two football and two basketball nat'l championships, sick. Although Joakim Noah would be tough to ever root for.
7. Rocky - Neither a team nor a real person but he was down and out in the nineties (see Rocky 5, don't actually view the movie though, maybe just imdb it) and when you never thought you'd see him in the ring again...BAAAAAMboozle!!! He's back and beating up Antonio Tarver.
8. The Mighty Ducks - if I could have become a fan of the script I could have ridden the wave all the way from potential movie, to hit movie to multiple sequels to actual sports team. Talk about getting in on the ground floor
9. Tampa Bay Devils Rays -the fact that they are about to suck and not still suck is huge.
10. Miami Heat - cause it'd be great to really be able to cheer for this team
    

1.) Trusting Ronnie...I know Sammi...you wanna believe him, but all he does is hurt us. (I apologize to non-shore watchers but this was a total cop-out list topper anyway so you'd be disappointed either way)

Top Five Christmas Songs

Hey guys, I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas or holidays or simply a great break from school or work. Me, I'm spending this Christmas staring into the black abyss that is my post-collegiate life. Donations and prayers are greatly appreciated.

So, in that vein of the holiday spirit, I give to you the Top Five Christmas Songs that you should give to your friends and loved ones. There really isn't rhyme or reason to this list and it isn't in any particular order. Now then, sit back with your favorite egg nog, relax with a warm cup of Glühwein, and take in the overwhelming Tour de Force that is this holiday list.

5. For your resident hipster: Anything from the Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas series




While most people won't think that this song stands out in comparison with the other gems on these albums, let's take a moment and commend Sufjan Stevens for not taking the usual sappy, string-laden route with Christmas songs. Instead, he comes out blaring with wall of distorted electric guitars. I imagine if Kurt Cobain had to write a Christmas song (Although that would probably mean he was a sell out. Better get that shotgun ready... [too soon?]) it would sound a bit like this. Yet, if you listen to the lyrics they are as tender and intimate as one of his more famous songs, "Casimir Pulaski Day". It's further proof that whatever the musical genre is, you can count on Sufjan to deliver.

4.5. However...if your tastes are more traditional, then here's your Christmas groove:



While it might not be strictly a Christmas song, it is on the album and it is one of my favorite Sufjan songs of all time. Growing up going to church, I have become mostly desensitized to church hymns. But, this song touches me every time and really makes me reexamine where I'm at in life, which is very appropriate this time of year.

4. For Red (you know who you are), "When it's Christmas Time in Texas", George Strait

(Sorry for the poor audio quality. Stupid country hipsters and their love of vinyl!!!)



George Strait is still cool. There, I said it.


But seriously, the George Strait Christmas album cassette tape was constantly on in my mom's car when I was a kid. I don't know if we still have that cassette, but I doubt that we could play it today if we did have it because it would be simply worn out. Besides, it very accurately describes the very un-winterlike weather in Texas around Christmastime. Merry Christmas, y'all!

3. For the guy in your group that wants to recreate the 60s and 70s, "Merry Christmas, Baby", Otis Redding



I sincerely hope that everyone has one of these guys in their group. Not only do you get to hear some great throwback songs every now and then, you're almost guaranteed to steer clear of a drum machine or synthesizer. And we wouldn't want that at all. Anyway, this is song really is a gem because, after all, everyone needs some soul in Christmas.

2. For Zooey, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", She & Him



So...uh...it's obvious I have feelings for you, Zooey. So, why don't you ditch that Death Cab and go out with me? I have mistletoe and eggnog! I even plugged you in my blog!

1.5. BONUS!!! "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by the Houston Rockets!



I have no defense for this song. Really. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this the reason that God is striking down Yao Ming via the foot/ankle. You can only ruin his son's birthday so much before He exacts his revenge. Here, in the form of missing the NBA playoffs.

1. For young and old, "Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby



Ok, so I know that David Bowie isn't exactly young and hip anymore, but this has to be one of the most random Christmas songs ever. Let's start with the premise of the video. David and Bing apparently live in the same Mister Rogers neighborhood. And it's not too unusual for David to come over from time to time and just start talking about their kids and even sing a bit. Totally random. However, for all of the "What the heck?" moments in the video, David and Bing manage to pull off a Christmas classic. Harmonies and singing in rounds are some of the best modes of music, and they do both well in this song. Unfortunately, Mr. White Christmas would pass on shortly after the recording of this video, but David Bowie is still with us (but apparently in space).

So there you have it. I hope all of you enjoyed this list. But most of all I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas with their friends and family! Happy Holidays and Frohe Weihnachten!

Tuesday Top Ten: Nicholas Cage YouTube Clips

(Deep down, you knew this day would come...)

I have returned from my brief hiatus before finals begin, partly because I want to entertain you all during dead week in finals or dead time during work, but mainly because I am trying to prevent my slowly spiraling descent into madness while I try to learn about what causes disasters on Earth for my Geology final.  (uhh...this guy, obviously.)

Nicholas Cage has always been one of my least favorite actors.  The man has more bad movies than Antonio Cromartie has children.  (Btw, thanks for the fantasy football name this year, Sons of Cromartie).  However, thanks to my slow crescendo of terrible movie choices (and yes, I willingly saw the astoundingly terrible The Last Airbender with some friends this weekend...), it was only a matter of time before I came back to the light and decided that Nicholas Cage may, in fact, be onto something.  How this guy won an Academy Award may be my generation's number one mystery (right ahead of why Walt was special on Lost and who's soul the Los Angeles Lakers sold to the devil in order to hijack Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies.)  

Sorry to keep it short this time, but I have to return to writing a few essays on a critical theory article by Michel Foucault...(yes, it's as interesting to me, too.)  So without further suffering from my writing (no promises from the Cage clips), here are my ten favorite clips on YouTube featuring our favorite almost Superman.  I apologize in advance for some of the language...I didn't write the movies...I just enjoyed them.

10. We start off with a commercial of Cage in Japan.  It's almost too easy...you can get away with anything there.

9. This is from the movie Bad Lieutenant.  My friend Janisch may or may not have directly inspired this particular Cage character.

8. The Wicker Man could have had it's very own Top Ten list.
 

7.This video is incredible, but I couldn't embed it.

6. ...

5. Yes, this really happened...

4. In case you missed it...

3. Oh wait, there's more...

2. In other news, I bought The Wicker Man at a store once for $1.

1. This video says it all.  (Once again, family and friends who are easily offended...you should probably stick to something else.)  I'm just here to share the knowledge.



Thanks for watching.  I promise more consistent writing after finals, not to mention new authors coming soon!

-PB (easter egg city)

Ty's Top Ten (Part One): Life Regrets

Well Thanksgiving is over, the weather is cold and Bing is on the radio. In an effort to bring myself back to earth I have compiled a top ten list that was a bit rough to write, it was a struggle, a humbling journey. I present the my top ten regrets in life, a hindsight-laced cure for any pointless nostalgia the holiday season may be inspiring. Excited yet? I don't blame you.

10.) Not watching enough day-time TV in college - Don't mistake me, I watched plenty of day-time TV in college, an inordinate amount really, but until you have to go to work all day everyday you can't really see the truth, that there is never, ever too much day time TV. If you are in college right now, do yourself a favor and go turn on Judge Judy or a Frasier re-run immediately. You're welcome.

9.) Becoming addicted to Diet Coke - My dad has low blood sugar and therefore can't drink regular cokes. Growing up we never had regular Coke in our house. Naturally I drank whatever carbonated beverage was in my house. Unfortunately, the casual diet coke, consumed out of convenience, grew into a raging, embarrassing and certainly harmful addiction. Its not fun to be the dude who goes goes to the break room and returns with diet coke... no I'm not holding this for a girl, nor was it the only thing they had left...I HAVE A FREAKIN ADDICTION, OK!! Also, I'm pretty sure I will get cancer at some point in my life due to the large amount of aspartame I consume on a daily basis. To note: this would be much higher on my list, considering it might kill me, but this is a list of my regrettable choices and my dad's medical condition is partly to blame for this regret.

8.) Watching 45 minutes of the movie "College." - This would also be much higher on the list had I lost any more than 45 minutes of my life watching this movie (coincidentally, this movie is pretty high on my "who gave this the greenlight?"list). I actually went to the theater to see this on the recommendation of a friend...well former friend, I officially downgraded us to permanent acquaintances after this movie.  In fact, this movie was so bad and I felt so betrayed by the recommendation that this acquaintance could be the best man at my wedding and I would have to introduce him as "the best man and my good acquaintance, _____"

7.) Not investing myself in some obscure sport in high school - In retrospect, I really should have pursued some obscure sport with very few participants and even fewer actual athletes. I might have been able to ride this into a scholarship at some expensive, prestigious college.

6.) Jnco Jeans (and to a lesser extent, Lee's Pipes) - C'mon, if you are between the ages of 27 and 20, you remember these bad boys. Wow. I wish my Superman cape and underwear phase had just extended to fifth grade rather than fall prey to this trainwreck of a fad.

5.) Developing myself a catchphrase - there's still time for this one but I feel like if I had worked in an Steve Urkel-esque catchphrase earlier in life it would be more likely to stick. In my head it plays out like this...a large room full of people are in a conversion, possibly my office, a family reunion, a friend's house, anywhere where there are many people who know me gathered together. I walk in, conversation continues, I'm somewhat unnoticed. Then, as if planned by the gods, someone tees me up, without hesitation nor over-excitement but simply a cool sense of purpose and destiny, I stick my head into the conversation and drop the line "________" Immediately everyone roars with studio audience-like laughter, but I only smile, I've been there before..."

That's all I've got for now...part II to come...

Lamentations For a Slowly Mainstreaming Band

(The Black Keys is the best band you may have never heard of.)

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving break filled with nothing but steamed vegetables and salad...maybe even a croissant or two.  Being back home for the holidays is always great, not only because of the superior food (though I have learned how to make very exquisite PB&J sandwiches during college), but also because it is the best time of the year to catch up with some old friends that you never get to see while you are away learning things you will never need for your future job.  I try to keep in touch with my best friends from high school, because in many ways I feel like I've made many of my life-long friends before I ever stepped into a college classroom being taught by a professor that spoke broken English.

For some reason, I've always had the weirdest taste in movies and music.  I'm not a big fan of movies that are built to win awards, which is why I'll watch something critically frowned upon yet fun like Club Dread or Role Models before I'll watch something as acclaimed as The Hurt Locker ever again.  I mean, my favorite Tom Hanks movie (and possibly just plain favorite movie of all-time) is The Burbs.  To a lesser extent, I feel the same way about music.  To me, relatively unknown bands have a lot more capability to give meaning to average people with their lyrics than a mainstream band does.  I would much rather listen to a song that actually means something to the artist than one that is made purely to be heard on the radio twenty times a day.  Maybe I'm on to something or maybe that is just the way I'm wired, but I do know I that I absolutely cannot ever make a successful party mix with my musical preferences (i.e. My failed attempts with Nick to incorporate LCD Soundsystem at our roommate Joe's ring dunk party.) 

Over the break I was watching the A&M game at my friend Ken's house and had a conversation with my friends Kollin, Tyler, and Matt about music.  These three guys are incredible musicians who have played at our church since we were in junior high school and are now in bands with outstanding record albums that I try not to shamelessly plug whenever I can.  I, on the other hand, have no musical talent, and the biggest claim to fame that I may ever have is that my mom went to prom with a pre-famous-and-pre-Road House Patrick Swayze.  (True story...though she eventually traded up for my dad...not only because his sense of humor and sports knowledge is vastly superior, but also because Red is still alive.)  Anyways, we traded some bands that we thought each other would like...which is one of my favorite things to do because I pride myself in listening to bands that are rarely heard on the radio.  (I know, I'm that guy.)  However, one of these bands is slowly fading out of obscurity and into the mainstream limelight.

During my lone year at Oklahoma my roommate Rick and I would frequently visit a music store in Norman called Guest Room Records.  While he actually owned a vinyl player, I mainly tagged along because I was usually tired of the mind games (lame inside joke..) and loved listening to the obscure bands that were usually featured on the headphone display in the front of the store.  I discovered many of my favorite bands there.  One of the most notable albums I found was a little gem called Keep it Hid by Dan Auerbach.  After doing a little digging, I found his regular band, The Black Keys, and immediately found myself listening to nothing but the two-man group consisting of Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney.  Starting with The Big Come Up, it became obvious that their old school, vintage rock-style feel was exactly what I needed.  (I vividly remember the time when my friend Austin told me that Nick Drake was a dead guy from the 1970s.  I was devastated; I could have sworn after watching this commercial in high school that he was an up-and-coming musician that was just trying to bring back the Simon and Garfunkel style of music.)  The Black Keys always record their albums quickly and in unusual places.  My favorite album of theirs, Rubber Factory, was named after recording it in an old rubber factory in their hometown of Akron, Ohio.  Their songs are blues inspired and typically go against the bland music that you can find on your local hit radio stations.  They were under-appreciated and a breath of fresh air from the mundane songs you here all the time.  (With the exception of Creed and Nickelback.  If you can't have fun laughing at them then you must not have a sense of humor.)  So for the past few years, while I clearly wasn't one of the earliest to find out about them (their first few albums came out years before I started listening while I was Ray LaMontagne and Iron and Wine heavy), I prided myself as one of the few who was "in-the-know" about the greatest rock band most people had never really heard of while others were busy listening to Hinder.  (Sorry, Rickesh.)

Going back to last Thursday night when I was watching football on TV with my friends, I slowly watched with mixed feelings as The Black Keys slowly dominated the television set.  The fact that these commercials are some of the most overplayed ads on TV right now, along with the fact that Nick said that they had a breakout performance at this year's Austin City Limits Music Festival, did make me sigh with relief that my musical tastes can be more vindicated than my movie tastes.  (In other news, I'd like to take this time to apologize to some of my friends for my Thanksgiving movie selection.  Seriously, do NOT watch the movie Spike.  Because although that cover should be a promising sign for a terribly good time, the RedBox description said nothing about it being a gothic love story.  I thought it was going to be like a killer Sonic the Hedgehog.  But instead of killing people by pressing Down B on the controller, the guy spouted poetry and tried to make some girl fall in love with him.  Come on...at least collect rings or something.)

However, selfishly I guess I always want my bands to be like a pre-Miami Heat version of Chris Bosh: under-appreciated, supremely talented but relatively unknown, and innocent to the harsh effects of day-to-day news and radio coverage.  Yet despite my concerns, I actually am proud of The Black Keys and am happy that they are gaining a larger audience and finding huge success.  Recently they even toured with Kings of Leon, a band that randomly hit the mainstream faster than Andre Johnson destroyed Cortland Finnegan.  I just truly hope that they can find a happy medium and not turn into post-Heat Bosh: overpaid, jaded, and crippled by the hype.  Something tells me they will do it and I doubt they will even have to shave their heads to fight off the Predator jokes.

[Just a disclaimer, I may be off the grid after this post until after finals in order to pass Geology 101...(and yes, I am a senior currently getting weeded out by a freshman weed out class).]


-PB

For the Heat, A New Transfusion of Blood Hopes to Bring True Play

For those with their sarcasm meters turned off, this is an article à la The Onion.

By: Nick Bunce, Associated Press

MIAMI- After a disappointing 8-7 start to the season, many observing the Miami Heat are searching for answers.

"I don't know. It seems that you just can't throw some superstars together to make a super-team, I guess", said team trainer, Michael Ross. "We're all just looking for something that will bring the team together."

Indeed, the early season for the Heat has only been disillusioning, as they were projected to go 79-3 and win both the NBA Championship and the Championship of the Universe representing Team Earth. By all indications, the team has fallen far short of that, despite having All-Stars LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh on the team.

"You know, all the responsibility rests on me," quipped James after their most recent 104-95 loss to the Orlando Magic. "All of us, but really myself, really need to step up our, or my, game. "But I really want to make a difference, getting the most points, assists, and steals for myself regardless of what the outcome of the game is."

However, after their loss to the Magic, the Heat may have stumbled onto some sorcery of their own. Before the team separated for Thanksgiving, the team contacted renowned occultist Dr. Konrad von Wittigenstein on possibly trying to gain a new edge on the court. Although, Dr. von Wittigenstein declined comment himself, sources close to the team have said that the new plan involves James, Wade and Bosh transfusing their own blood into each other.

The plan is, that by transfusing each other's blood into each other, they will all will have the ablilities that they each posess. "All 3 of them will have James' vision, Wade's agility, and Bosh's shooting," said an unnamed team source. "The new LeChris Bowaderon will lead our team to victory and glory! Sieg, Heil!"

Other occult experts say that this builds on work previously abandonded by the Nazis in the 1940s.

While other efforts by the Nazis, such as finding the Lost Ark of the Covenant and searching for the actual Holy Grail, have turned out less than successful, the SS had stumbled upon a real stroke of genius in blood transfusions near the end of the war in 1945. If it weren't for a top secret initiative led by American university professors, the Nazis may have turned the tide of the war.

Now, the Miami Heat hope to turn the tide of their season.

When asked about their new plan, James was reluctant to divulge details, but he had this to say: "Imma be takin my talent to Berlin for awhile. For...uh...ya know...tests." Those tests are rumored to be wildly successful. While Wade's and Bosh's blood tested AB+ (a universal recipient), James' blood was rumored to contain the blood of several million Cleveland residents who were recently murdered in a bizzare and inexplicable event this summer. Even so, the transfusion was successful, and the team hopes for all three players to rejoin the team for Friday's game against the Philadelphia 76ers.

"We hope to honor Wilt Chamberlain's legacy in Philadelphia by having all three players break his record of 100 points in a single game," said Ross.

While most Miami fans were enthusiastic about the news, many around the league decried the use of such performance enhancing magic in the NBA. "We already have rumors of the Los Angeles Lakers using ancient Egyptian methods to give Kobe Bryant an extra edge," said NBA Commissioner, David Stern. "With so much of sports today cast into doubt, we do not need any performance enhancing magic on the court."

Perhaps the most vehement opponent of the Heat's new tatics, are the Houston Rockets, who appear to be haunted by an apparition, which appears to only appear in the fourth quarter (and by "everything" Yao means "a paranormal demon bent on my destruction [most likely point of entry: the foot]").

All in all, the rest of the season is looking up, if not more interesting. Heat head coach Eric Spoelstra agreed, "Even though we've already tried sacrificing virgins at the altar to satisfy Pat Riley (May he live forever!) and thus extend his life by 50 more years, it seems that it wasn't able to give us an edge against the rest of the Eastern Conference. But, you know, this might be the best thing that's happened to us so far."

LeChris Bowaderon was not available for comment.

Feast and Famine: Longhorns, Aggies, and a Healthy Case of Flip-Flopping

Sorry about the long wait since my last post about the Houston Rockets, but I was taking the rest of the week off, much like the Rockets.  Plus, Nick's posts were difficult to top so I decided to lay low until they blew over.

Someday soon I plan on writing about my personal experiences as a Big 12 South student, seeing as I'm somewhat of an expert (or perhaps just a floozy...I've attended several schools in my collegiate career that directly conflict with each other as Big 12 rivals).  However, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to talk about the quasi-epic showdown going down on Thanksgiving night in Austin, Texas between Texas A&M University and the University of Texas.

This season has been interesting for the Aggies and Longhorns, highlighted by some good coaching decisions (welcome to the field, Tannehill) and some bad player decisions (ehh, Gilbert Grape).  The roles between the two teams have also switched this year, as the unranked Longhorns plan to play spoiler to #17 Texas A&M.  I know how ridiculous it sounds when I say that the Aggies are the favorite to win this Thursday's game.  What am I going to tell you next, that tigers could be extinct soon?  Oh, wait.  To top it all off, this game pits the Smith family against each other in a most unusual way.

With the exception of my Aggie brother-in-law, my family bleeds more burnt orange than Bevo himself.  My dad, who my friends and I lovingly nicknamed Red after his uncanny resemblance to the great character on That 70s Show (seriously, put a full head of hair on Kurtwood Smith and he is my dad), has always taken me to games since I was a little kid.  My mom and sister know more about football than all of the ignorant t-shirt Longhorn fans (you know who you are... and you're the Worst.)  If that's not enough, my great uncle even built the famous fountain outside of the football stadium.  Needless to say, I was raised a Longhorn fan throughout my entire youth, brainwashed so effectively that I decided to attend UT's affiliate school in San Antonio rather than Texas A&M my freshman year in hopes of attending school in Austin my sophomore year.  Long story short, I saw my sophomore self pulling a wild card, reneging on my acceptance letter to UT and instead choosing to attend Oklahoma University.  An even longer and more outlandish story short, I found myself coming full circle at Texas A&M University, the school I had once forsaken, for my junior year.  I was harder to keep in one place than the island on Lost, and despite much playful prodding from friends, I still remain in College Station for my final year.  (Like I said, if you're interested in the longer story, I promise I will go into further detail on the ridiculousness of my situation someday down the road.  If you're not interested, well...here's the Door.)

Saying my collegiate experience has been unconventional is more redundant than saying Bo Pelini has severe anger issues.

Here at Texas A&M, the saying is that 98% of the student body is wholeheartedly invested in the traditions, football yells, and other cult-like happenings at the school...labeling everyone who isn't a "two-percenter."  After years and years of being a Longhorn fan, combined with the one magical year at OU that culminated in driving eighteen hours straight with my friends from Houston to Miami to watch them play in the National Championship game, I was quick to call myself a 2%er here at A&M.  Because as much as I like rooting for my college, I was a little weary of doing the same mundane yells, such as the "BTHO" yell, endless times during Aggie games.   Not to mention that I still think it's more than a little ridiculous that we Aggies feel the need to give UT so much credence by 'sawing Varsity's horns off' and having these decals on our cars.  (Come on, Ags, we're a big-time university.  Let's worry about our own school and stop acting like UT's kid brother.)  However, I have come around during my time here, going as far as preparing to order my Aggie ring and actually having pride in it.  Although I'm still probably a "two-percenter" in the traditional sense, I still think Texas A&M is an incredible university and that there's no school I'd rather be at.  (If none of this makes sense to you, I apologize.  Just know that while I'm not the greatest Aggie, I've come a long way in the past year and a half.  I really couldn't be prouder to be a student at Texas A&M.)

This past weekend proved to be the biggest game for Texas A&M football in over ten years.  Students set a record by pulling over 30,000 tickets to the game vs. #8 Nebraska.  There was more hype and optimism surrounding this game in College Station than there was in Portland after drafting Greg Oden a few years ago.  Although College Gameday unwisely chose to be apart of the circus at Wrigley Field, Herbstreit and Musberger were coming to do the commentary for the game on ABC.  This game was undoubtedly a big deal here.

Yet instead of showing my new found Aggie fandom, I found myself in Austin, Texas, taking in the rather unspectacular game between the Longhorns and the Florida Atlantic Owls.  A family friend from Colorado was visiting Texas for the first time ever and seeing as he is in high school and my parents still consider George Strait cool, I tagged along upon their request to keep him company and help show him around the campus that I spent my entire life thinking I would be attending.  (This included Red pointing out his picture from his intramural basketball team that still hangs in Gregory Gym nearly forty years later, as well as this nonchalant gem--"There's the tower... sometimes people go up there and shoot other people."  My family has a very dark yet hilarious sense of humor.  I love it.) In true 2% fashion, I gave away my student ticket to my final home game in College Station without hesitation.  But despite their continuous gratitude, my parents should know that it isn't necessary, because even if I knew how entertaining the Aggie game was going to be compared to the blow-out game in Austin, I would make the same decision again.  Family comes first.  (Cliche statements come second.)

So this Thanksgiving will once again stir a house divided (I expect the game to be closer than expected, with A&M prevailing in the end), yet at the end of the day I am happy to be blessed with such an awe-inspiring family.  And although my group of best friends are mixed between what feels like every Big 12 school and our allegiances run strong here in the south, I'm grateful that I can call each and every one a friend, even if we are quick to make fun of each other (some more than others).  So love your family and friends this holiday season and enjoy the game.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Oh yeah, and go Ags!

-PB

Chicken Soup for the Cynic's Soul

Hey guys, this is an old Facebook note from around my sophmore year (second year) of college. Hope you enjoy the throwback!

I like to write.

However, I like to threaten to write even more than I like to write.

You see, as much as we hear on the news that math and science testing scores are down, and we need to do as much as we can to prevent this slide, we still reserve a special place in our psyche for writers. If I were to introduce myself as an English major, I’m sure that the cute brunette across from me would have one of two notions:

1) I will live in a cardboard box…but it will be a romantic cardboard box because I will be doing what I love, and nothing is more romantic than self-determination. Not to mention, I will have all the blissful vocabulary in the world to reassure my sweetheart when we have been evicted from that box.

Or…

2) I will live on the Left Bank in Paris, smoking Cuban cigars and traveling to exotic locales such as Madrid, Rome, Rio de Janeiro, and Beijing. All the while, I will shower her with gifts and money. Not to mention, I will have all the blissful vocabulary in the world to reassure my sweetheart when the drug dealers in Rio hijack our car.

Either way, I am perceived as empathetic and expressive, which lends me some sort of value or a type of uniqueness. The common man is more prone to punch out, “Y r u mad @ me” or “Paartyyy at Chriss’s tonite!! Brriing youre money?!?!?!” on a text message than write anything approaching eloquent. So, it at least seems that I have more to offer a girl than most guys. (However, as much as they would like to lead you to believe so, women really don’t care for the liberal-arts-major-type. They much rather go out with an intellectually mediocre man with the F-350 or a Corvette. They, apparently, have more fun or something. But more on that later.) However, more importantly, I perceive myself as to have these qualities, and I then climb aboard a mental train that takes me to some sort of fantasyland. There, visions of literary grandeur float along my mental pages, and I believe that even I could write something that could touch someone or, at the very least, provoke thought.

In short, I feel that I have something to give and that something will be appreciated by others.

Yet there is something inherently wrong with writing. You see, I believe that it took me about 30 to 45 minutes to write all of the above. It takes time and effort to write and, as a college student, I happen to resent both time and effort. For me, it is easier to come up with something beautiful and leave it tucked safely inside my brain than it is to get up and start typing on my computer. Please don’t even talk to me about using a pen and paper. Also, one needs a certain amount of hubris to say words like “one” and “hubris”. I am not always so egotistical.

So, when I threaten to myself that I will write, I experience all the warm and fuzzy emotions of writing without the mess and labor of actual writing. It seems to be the best of both worlds. For example, if I become very perturbed at an article in the newspaper, I simply imagine writing a letter to the editor and envision what I will say. I release all of that pent up anger and yet I still have time to use my brain in a less productive way.

Therefore, barring some unforeseen stroke of inspiration, I don’t write that often. However, just like any good dieter knows, wanting is half the battle.

The Thursday Adventures with Speed Dater

If you go to Texas A&M University and aren't either too pretentious or rich, you most likely ride the bus to class. As a faithful rider of all of my years at college, let me tell you that it is an excercise in both patience and ignorance. You have to be patient because during any given ride you are most likely to have to stand up for 20 minutes with some jock's reeking armpit in your face as country music blares over the PA.

(Sidebar: Don't EVER criticize the driver's choice of music. On the first day of class, I whispered over to Ryan that it should be against Transport Services rules to play such horrible music. The giant standing behind me apparently took issue with this and leaned in saying, "Well, what would you play then?". To which I replied, "Nothing, I can play my own music without having to listen to yours." Much to my chagrin, he was a bus driver and said that it helped them pass the long hours driving. Much to his chagrin, Ryan said, "Well, I'm a bus driver too, and I don't make people put up with that garbage!")

Anyway, on a Thursday early on in the semester, Ryan and I were riding the bus to class, and it was everything that you could ever dream of and more. It was, as usual, packed and because of the 100 F (37 C) weather, the bus was sweltering despite the meager use of AC. Thankfully, the driver was merciful and let us forgo our daily dose of western twang. Per bus etiquitte, everyone was dead silent. Only the hum of the motor pierced the uncomfortable quiet. Little did we know that it was about to become even more uncomfortable.

"So, what kind of music do you like?" The question hit my ears like the clang of a missed granny-shot free throw. It was soon clear that we and everyone else were caught in a long and awkward date taking place on the bus. There he was. There she was. They were sitting across the aisle from each other and every exchange reverberated throughout the bus for all to hear. "I'm more of a country girl myself, but I like to switch it up a bit with some rap and T-Pain at parties. I dunno, I like everything I guess!", she said with perhaps a bit more enthusiasm than she would want to betray. "Really?! Me too!", he said with a bit more enthusiasm than we would like to hear. The date was going well. By all accounts really, it was going spectacularly. She was into him, he was into her, and the conversation was flowing along swimmingly. I, on the other hand, could not contain my bursting laughter.

"Well this puts a whole new meaning to the term 'speed dating'", I said to Ryan. This was perhaps the most awkward bus ride of my life. I felt that I was as much a part of this date as he or she. "Well, Speed Dater, I'm personally a fan of Community and Mad Men. What kind of shows do you watch? ...Oh what's that? You've never seen either one? That's too bad." I honestly wanted to bust in the conversation, "Speed Dater, meet Blah Blah Blah, by the powers invested in me by the Transport Services, I now pronounce you boyfriend and girlfriend." However, I couldn't do this because the date was simply too hilarious. I wanted it to go on. Mostly because I wanted to see the inevitable crash of reality when the girl realized how creepy Speed Dater really was and reject him. (Oh, the glowing embers of a broken heart are so dazzling when seen from afar.)

And so, the date continued. Almost, every topic was touched: Movies, classes, where they were from (He, the Rio Grande Valley; she, doesn't matter. It's not that important.) Finally, as we turned the last corner going onto campus, he looked at her very intently. It was as if something from deep inside of him was boiling up and was about to burst out. He looked at her, looked down at the floor, and back up at her. He hesitated for a second, but went for it anyway. "Well, what are you doing for lunch? I mean, maybe we could grab a bite to eat before class." It obviously caught her off guard. Maybe she didn't realize what Speed Dater's true intentions were. For all she knew, he was simply a nice guy who was being friendly during the stressful first few weeks of the semester. What could be wrong with being friendly?

The slightly pained but pitiful look on her face said it all. But just in case, she said it out loud for him. "Um...I really don't think I have the time to. And anyway, I've already eaten."

Were he a normal man, he would have packed it in and called it a day. But no! This was Speed Dater. Unfazed, he pressed on, this time bringing up the future. "What do you want to do? I want to go to law school. Mostly because I really don't know what else I'll do..." And with that, the bus pulled to the stop and the the doors opened, releasing us from our prisons of forced romance. As I glanced over my shoulder, I saw that they were still chatting as they walked off the bus.

God speed, Speed Dater. God speed. And here's hoping there's bells ringing on the bus after your wedding...

The Tuesday Top Ten: Most Ridiculous Houston Rockets Players

For better or for worse, the Houston Rockets have, in many ways, shaped my life.  My family still loves to tell everyone how I would always cry when they lost growing up ("They just lost to the worst team in the league!") and the image of John Stockton hitting that three pointer on Barkley to go to the NBA Championship still haunts me and, while I am not a psychologist, may very well be the reason why I am still single.  Karl Malone set a moving pick!  (No, I'm not bitter.)  Oh, well, have fun trying to beat Jordan in the next round, Jazz.

The Rockets have had some amazing players over the past fifteen years ("If it's good enough for Scola, then it's good enough for me").  However, as with anything else in life, I find humor in the most bizarre things...so without further ado, here is my list of the most ridiculous players to ever don a Rockets jersey in my lifetime.

 10.  Eric Piatkowski (2003-2004)

 If I was 6'7'', I'm pretty sure I could get away with being the last man on the bench on an NBA team, not to mention take photographs that make me look like I'm a televangelist.  Wait, maybe Piatkowski was on to something.

9. Bonzi Wells (2006-2008)

 Bonzi was in the same mold as Ron Artest, minus the hilarity.  In fact, the two played together in Sacramento, where Bonzi played well enough that Ron Artest offered to forgo his entire salary to keep Bonzi on the team.  Sounds like Crazy Pills (I thought about putting Artest on this list, but decided it would be way too easy).  However, Bonzi felt that the 5 year, $38 million contract the Kings offered prior to the 2006 season was an insult.  His grandiose expectations of landing a bigger contract turned out to be nothing but delusions of grandeur, as Bonzi eventually gave in to the bitter reality that no one else would offer that much and signed a 2 year, $4 million contract with Houston.  This is the same guy who admitted he ate fast food about three times a day when he was a young gun in Portland.  Needless to say, his Rockets career was as random and inconsistent as the meat from Taco Bell and he was eventually shipped to New Orleans.

8. Pete Chilcutt (1994-1996)

Chilly Pete is an NBA champion.  Let that sink in for a moment.  He actually had a surprisingly long-lived NBA career that spanned nearly ten years and seven teams.  He took over for Matt Bullard during the team's second NBA championship season, cementing the myth that as long as you're tall and can shoot there will be a place in the league for you. 


7. Kelvin Cato (1999-2004)

With a top-notch, alliteration-friendly name, not to mention a tie in to an underrated character from Lost, it would have only been fitting for Cato to be the centerpiece for championship-winning Houston teams.  Alas, Cato was a part of the 'blockbuster' trade that sent our two lovable alley-oopers (more on them later) to Orlando for a player who would eventually be nicknamed Knee-Mac.  Sometimes the world isn't fair.

6. The White Point Guards of the Late '90s
Matt Maloney (1996-1999)      Brent Price (1996-1999)       Bryce Drew (1998-2000)

Yeah, these are three separate players, but at the end of the day...are they really?  They single-handedly ruined what could have been a magical run during the twilight of Olajuwon, Drexler, and Barkley's careers.  Maloney, in particular, was absolutely brutalized by John Stockton in the 1997 Western Conference Finals.  If the Rockets had a starting point guard that didn't go to to an Ivy League school, we could have been the team that Chicago destroyed in Jordan's last two championship years!  Brent Price was plagued by injuries during his sporadic NBA career (the knee brace in his player card could not be more fitting), while Bryce Drew was what Gordon Hayward will eventually become: a decent player who was overhyped by an impressive NCAA tournament and later fell into NBA obscurity.

5. Walt Williams (1999-2002)

Walt Williams was the man.  He wore knee-high socks in honor of George Gervin and had an overall old-school feel to his game.  That old-school style included shooting nothing but three pointers and not playing even a hint of actual defense.  Prior to his glory days as a Rocket, Walt was featured in Hootie and the Blowfish's bizarre music video to "I Only Wanna Be With You."  Because anytime you can incorporate Walt Williams, Alonzo Mourning, Dan Marino and ESPN anchors in a music video for a pretty great song that has nothing to do with sports, you've gotta do it.  Oh, the '90s....


4. Eddie Griffin (2002-2003)

Easily the most tragic player on this list, Eddie Griffin had an incredible amount of potential.  He had decent range while possessing an ability to block a basketball that only Kelvin Cato could match.  In order to get him, they traded three draft picks (one of them the rights to Richard Jefferson).  Right in line with most of the moves the Rockets made during this time period, the Eddie Griffin trade did not pan out.  Besides his inconsistent play, Griffin suffered from alcoholism, and the Rockets eventually released him after erratic behavior.  He played his final years in Minnesota.  He was arrested on one occasion for driving under the influence while watching porn in his car.  If that wasn't disturbing enough, Griffin died in 2007 after crashing his car into a moving train, burning to death.  His blood alcohol content was over three times the legal limit.  In other news, Richard Jefferson is still alive.


3. Steve Francis/Cuttino Mobley (1999-2004, Francis - 2008)

The last 'Mobley-jumping-into-or-onto-Francis' picture could not come soon enough.  Looking back at this era, I applaud myself for not jumping off the Rockets ship and straight into a barrel of nitroglycerin.  These lost years were saturated with uncomfortable celebrations, endless answers to interviews starting with "Me and Steve",  and ESPN The Life segments where Cuttino and Steve went to buy matching crotch rockets.  (Believe me, I searched endlessly online for a clip of that glorious episode, but found nothing.  It's probably burning in hell next to Derek Fisher's soul.)  Despite all of the losing and awkwardness, they found the time to somehow master the art of the alley-oop.  The dynamic duo were traded along with Cato for McGrady and others before being separated via another trade in Orlando.  Neither player was the same since...

2. Ryan Bowen (2004-2006)

This one is particularly painful for me.  Not only did he make every guy named "Ryan" seem instantly less talented at basketball, but he shared starting time at power forward with Clarence Weatherspoon during the 2005 playoffs!!  I'm fairly confident I could have matched his averages against the Jazz (18 minutes, 2.6 pts, 2 boards), even if I am nearly a foot shorter and visibly afraid of looking at Carlos Boozer for more than two seconds at a time.  And at least they would have saved money because I'd have played for Scooby Snacks.

1.  Moochie Norris (2000-2003, 2005-2006)

Dear lord, where to begin?  Yes, there was a point in time where the Rockets could send out a who's-who lineup of all-time Rockets greats.  With the Mooch running point with more soul than a 1970s disco dancer, Francis and Mobley lovingly hugging it out after alley-oops, old school Walt Williams launching three after three to no avail, and Griffin and Cato clogging the paint as superbly as a roll of toiler paper,  I honestly can't imagine how the Rockets failed to make the playoffs during that five year span.  Speaking of Moochie, I miss the fro, but not as much as I miss the days when people did this.

Despite my pessimistic tone, I wouldn't change any of these guys.  I'll be a Rockets fan for the rest of my life and if that means having guys like these over players like Luke Walton, I'll be happy.  And just for nostalgia's sake...




-PB

Welcome to Charging Interests!

It would be pretty unconventional to have our second post explain the meaning of the blog, but I'm pretty sure that unconventional posts by our writers here at Charging Interests will be more common than seeing these Turrrible commercials on TV....so here we go.

For the past few months my friends and I have been thinking about writing a sports blog, mainly because we feel that it is absolutely ludicrous that someone as delusional as Colin Cowherd can somehow be considered respectable enough to work for ESPN (not to mention share a show with Michelle Beadle, my future wife).  However, it wasn't until recently that we finally sat down in full-fledged Mad Men mode in order to come up with specifics for our blog.  After a long night of channeling our inner Don Draper,  including gallons of Scotch on the rocks, hundreds of packages of Lucky Strikes, and an overabundance of skinny ties, we had an epiphany: we won't confine ourselves to a sports blog (if you didn't notice from my laughable first post about obscure horror movies), but we'll also write about all things movies, television, college experiences...and maybe an occasional wild card post. 

Hopefully by combining our randomly diverse opinions we can make this blog entertaining and insightful.  If not, we promise to at least make it classy and not the least bit offensive or self-aggrandizing (unless that's what you're into, because we can be pretty good at that, too.)

I hope you guys enjoy it.

-PB

A Halloween Hangover: Top Ten Under-Appreciated Horror Films

 (The Pool Monster from Are You Afraid of The Dark?  My answer as a seven year old boy....yes.)

All my life I've been cursed with an obsession of horror movies.  Maybe it was my sister's fault, seeing as she made me watch the original Halloween when I was six years old.  No matter how long I stayed under my covers in bed from then on out, I was positive the Boogeyman was standing right inside my closet.  Or maybe it was the time I snuck a viewing of Scream on Pay Per View when I was eight (no, I didn't pay for it, but I did watch it on the blurred-out channel with sound that PPV movies were on before DirecTV existed).  Anytime a phone rang in my house after that, you couldn't tell me that it wasn't someone calling from the front porch.  I remember the old newspapers used to come out with TV Guides every Sunday and I would always excitedly check to see if there were any listings for my favorite horror movies with my childhood best friend Reid.  I was like Captain Ahab, except that instead of looking for a white whale, I was looking for Chucky from Child's Play. 

Needless to say, I'm still interested in watching these abominations.  However, after spending most of my life watching these movies I have become more than a little bit desensitized to the effects of horror movies.  The last movie that I actually scared me in a movie theater was The Ring (I know, I'm a little girl, but you tell a 7th grade boy to walk into a pitch black house at 10:30 PM after seeing someone creep out of a television and kill everyone.  I did watch that weird tape during the movie after all, you know.  Plus, I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be out past 10.)  Nowadays my friends and I watch horror movies for the unintentional comedy.  Yes, I was the guy who bought bootlegged copies of Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark DVD's at the age of 20 just so we could laugh at them (who wouldn't have fun with that?)  Which brings me to the point of this inaugural post.  Even though Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, I have been itching like a hound to give you the readers a list of my favorite under-appreciated horror movies.  It's imperative to note that these movies range from creepily scary to creepily hilarious and that many of these movies won't be found at your local Hollywood Video.  Then again, what is at Hollywood Video anymore?

*Please don't watch these with your families.  I don't want to be held responsible when you realize that having your kids watch movies like this might lead to them compiling a ridiculous list of horror movies fifteen years later.


10. Magic (1978) - Directed by Richard Attenborough.  Starring Anthony Hopkins, Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith

More of a melodrama than a horror movie, this movie stars three of my favorite actors (two of which can be purely attributed to Grumpy Old Men).  Based on a recommendation from my friend Cale, this movie was surprisingly intense with plenty of comedic elements and a constant sense of confusion (much like a typical Texas Aggies football season).  Without giving too much away, I'll just say that this: it gives a whole new meaning to harmonica music for me.
*Bonus Points: I watched this movie with a great group of friends on a particularly freezing MLK weekend at our infamous lake house in Austin, affectionately nicknamed The Hydra Station (more on that later).  Because of the cold weather and this silly movie, there may or may not have been a cute girl at the Hydra that I was able to get cozy with.  So melodrama or not, this movie makes my list...Thanks, Hopkins!

9. The Prowler (1981) - Directed by Joseph Zito.  Starring Vicky Dawson, Christopher Goutman

I had never heard of this movie until recently, so for those of you who have been on The Prowler bandwagon for years, I apologize.  One of the major things I got from this movie was the prowess of special effects man Tom Savini.  I had seen a few movies of his, including Friday the 13th and The Burning, but it wasn't until this (as well as this Wikipedia page) that I realized how 'realistic' his works are.  The movie revolves around a killer dressed in vintage military attire who hunts kids as they prepare for a dance.  The dance is complete with a rocking '80s band (completely necessary for an '80s horror movie), and some creative kills, the last of which is explosive and mildly hilarious.


8. Amusement (2009) Directed by John Simpson.  Starring Keir O'Donnell, Katheryn Winnick, Jessica Lucas.

My first advice for most movies is to not watch the preview.  ( know I have attached links to some of the trailers for these movies, but it's my first ever post and I'm excited to use all of the features, so give me a break).  Many times, lower budget movies are the worst films to watch previews for because it's common for the editors to confuse "preview" with "summary of movie in two minutes".  I saw this movie at the store a few times and immediately laughed at the front cover.  However, when I finally sold out and watched it, I became a huge fan.  Not just because Katheryn Winnick might be the most gorgeous girl in any of the movies on this list, but also because I now find Keir O'Donnell frightening for a completely different reason other than his role as the creepy younger brother in Wedding Crashers.
*I looked up Katheryn Winnick to see if she had been in any other movies than this one...and found a little film called Satan's Little Helper.  After about 5 minutes I had to stop because I quickly realized I need my friends because I am NOT getting through that one alone..

7. Candyman (1992) - Directed by Bernard Rose.  Starring Virginia Madsen, Tony Todd, Xander Berkeley

Tony Todd is perfect for this role. The premise is an old urban legend that is very similar to "Bloody Mary", based on a short story by the dude who came up with Hellraiser.  Half of the creepiness isn't just the Candyman himself, but the urban setting that the characters are placed in.  Coming from a guy who lived in the suburbs his whole life, I know I wouldn't want to explore the projects like Virginia Madsen bravely does.  This movie isn't without its unintentional humor, because any time you can fly out of a window backwards, you've gotta do it.
*On another trip to the Hydra, my friend Janisch got a friend of a friend, who was a complete stranger to all of us, to turn out the bathroom lights and say "Candyman" three times in front of the mirror.  When she found out why he made her do it, she left the next day and none of us have seen her since.  (Maybe we haven't seen her ever again because she goes to a completely different school, but that notion severely hurts my implication that the Candyman got her, so I'll leave that part out).

6. Cube (1997) - Directed by Vincenzo Natali.  Starring Nicole de Boer, Maurice Dean Wint.

Ah, Cube, one of the best movies nobody has ever heard of.  My friends Wellborn and Heather clued me in to this vastly underrated movie that had all of the best parts of the Saw series (traps and twists), and only some of the worst parts (not nearly as much over-the-top gore is a plus; some baaaad sequels are a negative).  However, Cube, a mysterious Canadian film that takes place entirely inside a seemingly never-ending, ahem, cube, will keep you on the edge of your seat while remaining more disorienting than the idea of Zach Randolph being an NBA all-star.

5. Hatchet (2006) - Directed by Adam Green.  Starring Joel Moore, Tamera Feldman, Deon Richmond

No, this is not based on the kid's book by Gary Paulsen. What this movie lacks in plane crash surviving children it makes up for with an overabundance of gore.  Hatchet is the epitome of this list.  With some surprisingly hilarious characters and plenty of thrills, this film's tagline "old school American horror" is true to the bone.  Taking place during Marti Gras in Louisiana, the film's hatchet-wielding murderer, Victor Crowley (portrayed by former Jason Vorhees, Kane Hodder), goes to incredible lengths to get his kills taken care of, all of which I'll leave out for my family's sake of reading this post.  So watch out for over-the-top massacring and high-profile horror icon cameos, including Robert Englund and Tony Todd. 

4. Sleepaway Camp (1983) - Directed by Robert Hiltzik.  Starring Felissa Rose, Mike Kellin

This "campy" cult classic is most notable for it's shocking twist ending.  Yes, the ending was such a surprise that I would have ranked Sleepaway Camp this highly without even seeing the rest of the movie.  However, there are plenty of things present in this film other than the big surprise that you would want in any horror movie.  Whether it's the sleazy cook getting a pot of boiling water to the face or the surprisingly childish slutty girl getting a not-so-blog-friendly demise in her cabin, this movie is the type of campy horror film that Hatchet emulates.  Needless to say, go into this movie without reading anything about it, otherwise you'll be as disappointed as I was the time my friend Janisch ruined the ridiculous ending to Orphan for me the day I was going to see it.  You're the worst J-Train, that movie would have been awesome.

3a. Wrong Turn (2003) - Directed by Rob Schmidt.  Starring Eliza Dushku, Desmond Harrington, Emmanuelle Chriqui
3b. Cabin Fever (2003) - Directed by Eli Roth.  Starring Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, James DeBello

These two movies will forever be interchangeable amongst me and my friends.  I had just finished my last day of school in 8th grade and my friends and I thought we would be really cool if we snuck into that horror movie starring Shawn from Boy Meets World.  Much to our surprise, we saw the previews to that movie, Cabin Fever, while we waited to see something called Wrong Turn.  After our initial disappointment, we were relieved when the actual movie we saw turned out to be both hilarious and scary, an obvious prerequisite for any good horror movie.  Although laughing at inbreeding may not be politically correct, I'm not a politician, so I'll continue to laugh away.
When I finally got the chance to see Cabin Fever, I was just as impressed.  Eli Roth's directorial debut was both disturbing and funny, and both movies I felt like I really connected with the characters and lamented their impending deaths, with the exception of this guy.

2. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) - Directed by Scott Glosserman.  Starring Nathan Baesel, Robert Englund, Angela Goethals

More intentionally funny than the rest of the movies in this post, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is a smart, creative horror movie that plays on the genre's norms.  The film revolves around a film crew that is making a documentary on a prospective serial killer as he prepares for a killing spree while revealing tricks of the trade.  Leslie Vernon has an uncanny ability to draw the audience in with his macabre humor, including his humorous take on how much cardio serial killers must do in order to maintain a slow, menacing appearance.  Robert Englund's character's less-than-subtle homage to Dr. Loomis is the icing to the cake for this gem that will surprise you with its originality.

1. The Burning (1981) - Directed by Tony Maylam.  Starring Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, and Brian Backer.

The Burning has anything and everything you would want from an '80s slasher film.  This is one of the more underrated killers of its time, starting with his awesome origin (hey man, if you're on fire: stop, drop, and roll), his name (can there really be a better name for a serial killer than Cropsy?), or his method of killing (suffice it to say, this movie is shear terror).  Jason Alexander makes his film debut and it's as if it's George Costanza himself at the doomed summer camp, as he is nearly identical to Seinfeld's best friend, though this was filmed nearly ten years before.  I almost expected Kramer and Newman to arrive at the camp at some point to be sheared to death by Cropsy.  Holly Hunter also makes her screen debut, although after seeing the movie twice I'm still at a loss as to who exactly she is (I am not a Saving Grace aficionado, I guess).  Plus, you can never count out seeing a young George Minkowski from Lost getting his hand chopped off (sorry for the spoiler, but the reference had to be done).  Overall, my favorite underrated horror film of all time.
*Bonus points to this movie for Alfred, portrayed by Fast Times' Brian Backer.  He is a spitting image of my friend Wellborn, so of course when his character turned out to be nearly as creepy and awkward as Cropsy himself, my friends and I let him have it. 

After all of my utter nonsense, I think it's necessary to point out that you can't expect these movies to be as incredible as the more well known horror classics.  At the end of the day, there's probably a reason why most of these movies have fallen through the cracks into obscurity.  However, if you go into these movies with low expectations (especially with a group of friends with a sense of humor), you might be surprised at how much you like them.

-PB