To Kill a Love Triangle
The night is dark and Kevin McCallister is hard at work. He has
been avoiding confrontation as much as possible during the Games;
partly because he has spent most of his time shooting toy soldiers with
his BB gun, but mostly because deep down he knows his moment to shine is
yet to come. He waits patiently for the climax of the competition,
much like he waited until the end of Home Alone to depose of Harry and
Marv.
And those guys were a lot scarier than these MORONS, he thinks
to himself as he recollects his victorious encounter with Wonka. He
ties a rope to the trigger of his BB gun and creatively wraps the other
end to a lowrising branch. If someone walks by at night, they will
undoubtedly hit the branch and get shot by the BB, he concludes. He takes comfort knowing that if that doesn't
work, he still has the various paint cans, micromachines, and
blowtorches that sponsors have sent him. Kevin has the distinct
advantage of being the only remaining kid in the competition, bringing a
slew of various items to cause malaise from sympathizing sponsors.
As Kevin works meticulously at hiding nails face-up in the grass, he
hears bristling in the woods. Chills run down his spine faster than a
New York minute.
Could it be him?
Very early in the competition Kevin was cavalier towards his
opponents. Not many looked formidable; the only one who was,
Achilles, was taken out by a man who the Wet Bandits themselves would
scoff at. That was until the giant, pale man who lurked in the
shadows began to haunt his dreams. He had only seen him twice so far, but both encounters proved
to be more frightening than the next.
The first time Kevin was setting a
trap for the Hamburglar. A sponsor had sent a burger from the sky, no
doubt to assuage any fears that the Hamburglar had about not having any
inside the arena. However, Kevin slyly picked it up and began to set a
trap for his striped foe. By placing the burger on top of a pit, he planned to
catch his first victim. He watched from a distance as the Hamburglar
spoke to Katniss, believing it was only a matter of time before his opponent
noticed the burger and lost all reason. Kevin was giddy in that
almost-but-not-quite-
The next time he saw the mysterious man was much quicker yet even
more terrifying. Kevin had found himself in a tree when Super Mario
began to trip on mushrooms. Kevin, a master of all things Mario due to his incessant love for Gameboy, eagerly placed
the mushroom around the plumber after he heard Mario's joyous laughter. Mario
quickly took the bait and his reaction to the psychedelic drug was
almost instant. He watched with amusement as Mario crouched down and
then launched himself in the air, believing he was actually growing.
After throwing imaginary fireballs into the air, Mario ran full-speed into
the woods and directly into the pale man, who stood stoic by a tree.
"Donkey Kong. Is that you?" Mario asked hysterically. The man
didn't answer, but continued to stare with dead eyes. "Let's go Kong! Time to save the
Princess! Ya ha!" Mario ran sluggishly ahead, leaving behind the towering
ghost. The man turned his head upwards, noticing Kevin in the tree immediately.
Kevin ran, hands on cheeks, screaming into the woods.
Now Kevin hid as if he had just destroyed his brother Buzz's
shelves. He awaits his menacing stalker on a tree branch attached to a
blowtorch. As soon as I see him, I'll blow him to Kingdom come.
Much to Kevin's surprise, three figures emerge from the forest.
One is an athletic male wearing 80's attire and a decidedly awesome
mullet. To his right, the same dark-haired beauty who he witnessed
wooing both Cage and Wonka from before looked longingly at Dalton. Trailing a few feet behind, the
homeless-looking guy who attacked Achilles on the first day is visibly shaking, clearly having withdrawals.
"Dalton," Kate says, "I wouldn't have left Cage if I didn't have deep feelings for what we have."
"Save it, Kate. I'm not into brunnetes."
"Hey, Kate, I still kinda have a thing for the Waitress...she's my one an only...but can I ask you somethin'?"
Kate stops five feet from the very tree where, unbeknownst to her,
Kevin McCallister holds a can of paint, ready to attack. Yet although
his position works in his advantage, he is weary to attack three at
once, deciding to hold off unless one runs into his BB trap.
Kate, meanwhile, is slowly coming to grips that she left the
enigmatic yet promising Cage, who insisted on "taking off Dwight's face"
for these two clowns on the off-chance she
could start a love triangle with them. Little did she know that
Dalton's zen prevented him from falling for anyone other than blonde
doctors while Charlie would be as useful as a pair of kitten mittons.
"What is it, Charlie?" she asked, exasperated.
"Uh..you haven't by chance picked up any glue in the arena, huh?
Mac promised he was gonna send some. Man! What's a guy gotta do to
huff a li'l glue around here, huh?!"
Kate doesn't answer, but continues to walk. Dalton looks at his comrade, placing a knowing arm around him.
"Don't worry, buddy," Dalton says, "we're going to take real good care
of you at the Cornucopia. Have you ever tried meditating?"
Charlie looks past him with wide eyes, noticing something laying in
the grass just ahead of them. He laughs maniacally and runs towards
the package while Dalton and Kate look at him curiously.
"What is it, Charlie?" Kate asks cautiously.
Charlie doesn't answer at first, instead crouching down and
examining a sleek suit that he has grown to love over the years. He
picks it up and shows it to his friends gleefully. They stare back in
confusion.
"Awww yeah! Mac in the house! Don't you see what it is?!" Charlie exclaims. "We can win now!"
"Charlie, we can't win anything," Kate says. "Do you not remember the rules? And what is that? It smells horrible."
Charlie doesn't answer, but begins to put on the suit.
"Guys... I'M GREENMAN!"
Kevin looks on as the three people disappear into the night before
sighing with relief. He had the jump on them, but he would wait for an
opportunity to pick them
off one by one. He just needed some more ---
SNAP!
The branch that Kevin rests on breaks in half, sending him
sprawling towards the ground like a sack of voltage adapters. Three
feet from the ground, his leg tangles in a noose he had prepared earlier
on an adjacent branch. He now hangs helplessly from the ankle, which
seers in pain. He yelps, but tries his best to conceal his lamentations
until he realizes the blowtorch has been activated mere inches from
him. It dangles on a string, coming dangerously close to burning him.
It will be a matter of moments before his own traps doom him. He groans
at his misfortune.
"My brother was right," Kevin says aloud, "I AM A DISEASE!"
Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from the abyss. Kevin's heart
sinks into his stomach, an impressive feat seeing as he hangs upside
down. He slowly begins to realize that the torch may now be the least
of his worries.
It's him.
Kevin begins to scream as the man walks slowly towards him, a
nervous look in his eyes. He yells for the trio to come back to save
him, but no one comes. The ghost stares at him for a few moments,
curiously
watching the blowtorch spin next to the boy, before making his move
towards him. Kevin closes his eyes, finally accepting his fate.
Before he knows it, he senses the man's large hands tearing at rope,
loosening the grip of the noose. Confused, Kevin opens his eyes
and sees that the man isn't trying to harm him, but is freeing him. He
lands with a thud on the ground below him, his ankle swelling
profusely. Kevin looks up at the man with bewildered eyes. No one says
a word. Finally, the man waves to him. Kevin hesitantly waves back.
The man then extends his hand to help the mischievous boy to his feet.
"Hi."
"Huh..hello."
"...I'm Boo."
2) Dalton - 10/1
5) Dwight
Schrute - 35/1
6) Nic
Cage - 40/1
8) Kate
Austen– 60/1
9) Kevin
McCallister – 75/1
18) Charlie
Kelly – 250/1
24) Boo Radley
- ?
