Well Thanksgiving is over, the weather is cold and Bing is on the radio. In an effort to bring myself back to earth I have compiled a top ten list that was a bit rough to write, it was a struggle, a humbling journey. I present the my top ten regrets in life, a hindsight-laced cure for any pointless nostalgia the holiday season may be inspiring. Excited yet? I don't blame you.
10.) Not watching enough day-time TV in college - Don't mistake me, I watched plenty of day-time TV in college, an inordinate amount really, but until you have to go to work all day everyday you can't really see the truth, that there is never, ever too much day time TV. If you are in college right now, do yourself a favor and go turn on Judge Judy or a Frasier re-run immediately. You're welcome.
9.) Becoming addicted to Diet Coke - My dad has low blood sugar and therefore can't drink regular cokes. Growing up we never had regular Coke in our house. Naturally I drank whatever carbonated beverage was in my house. Unfortunately, the casual diet coke, consumed out of convenience, grew into a raging, embarrassing and certainly harmful addiction. Its not fun to be the dude who goes goes to the break room and returns with diet coke... no I'm not holding this for a girl, nor was it the only thing they had left...I HAVE A FREAKIN ADDICTION, OK!! Also, I'm pretty sure I will get cancer at some point in my life due to the large amount of aspartame I consume on a daily basis. To note: this would be much higher on my list, considering it might kill me, but this is a list of my regrettable choices and my dad's medical condition is partly to blame for this regret.
8.) Watching 45 minutes of the movie "College." - This would also be much higher on the list had I lost any more than 45 minutes of my life watching this movie (coincidentally, this movie is pretty high on my "who gave this the greenlight?"list). I actually went to the theater to see this on the recommendation of a friend...well former friend, I officially downgraded us to permanent acquaintances after this movie. In fact, this movie was so bad and I felt so betrayed by the recommendation that this acquaintance could be the best man at my wedding and I would have to introduce him as "the best man and my good acquaintance, _____"
7.) Not investing myself in some obscure sport in high school - In retrospect, I really should have pursued some obscure sport with very few participants and even fewer actual athletes. I might have been able to ride this into a scholarship at some expensive, prestigious college.
6.) Jnco Jeans (and to a lesser extent, Lee's Pipes) - C'mon, if you are between the ages of 27 and 20, you remember these bad boys. Wow. I wish my Superman cape and underwear phase had just extended to fifth grade rather than fall prey to this trainwreck of a fad.
5.) Developing myself a catchphrase - there's still time for this one but I feel like if I had worked in an Steve Urkel-esque catchphrase earlier in life it would be more likely to stick. In my head it plays out like this...a large room full of people are in a conversion, possibly my office, a family reunion, a friend's house, anywhere where there are many people who know me gathered together. I walk in, conversation continues, I'm somewhat unnoticed. Then, as if planned by the gods, someone tees me up, without hesitation nor over-excitement but simply a cool sense of purpose and destiny, I stick my head into the conversation and drop the line "________" Immediately everyone roars with studio audience-like laughter, but I only smile, I've been there before..."
That's all I've got for now...part II to come...
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