For those with their sarcasm meters turned off, this is an article à la The Onion.
By: Nick Bunce, Associated Press
MIAMI- After a disappointing 8-7 start to the season, many observing the Miami Heat are searching for answers.
"I don't know. It seems that you just can't throw some superstars together to make a super-team, I guess", said team trainer, Michael Ross. "We're all just looking for something that will bring the team together."
Indeed, the early season for the Heat has only been disillusioning, as they were projected to go 79-3 and win both the NBA Championship and the Championship of the Universe representing Team Earth. By all indications, the team has fallen far short of that, despite having All-Stars LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh on the team.
"You know, all the responsibility rests on me," quipped James after their most recent 104-95 loss to the Orlando Magic. "All of us, but really myself, really need to step up our, or my, game. "But I really want to make a difference, getting the most points, assists, and steals for myself regardless of what the outcome of the game is."
However, after their loss to the Magic, the Heat may have stumbled onto some sorcery of their own. Before the team separated for Thanksgiving, the team contacted renowned occultist Dr. Konrad von Wittigenstein on possibly trying to gain a new edge on the court. Although, Dr. von Wittigenstein declined comment himself, sources close to the team have said that the new plan involves James, Wade and Bosh transfusing their own blood into each other.
The plan is, that by transfusing each other's blood into each other, they will all will have the ablilities that they each posess. "All 3 of them will have James' vision, Wade's agility, and Bosh's shooting," said an unnamed team source. "The new LeChris Bowaderon will lead our team to victory and glory! Sieg, Heil!"
Other occult experts say that this builds on work previously abandonded by the Nazis in the 1940s.
While other efforts by the Nazis, such as finding the Lost Ark of the Covenant and searching for the actual Holy Grail, have turned out less than successful, the SS had stumbled upon a real stroke of genius in blood transfusions near the end of the war in 1945. If it weren't for a top secret initiative led by American university professors, the Nazis may have turned the tide of the war.
Now, the Miami Heat hope to turn the tide of their season.
When asked about their new plan, James was reluctant to divulge details, but he had this to say: "Imma be takin my talent to Berlin for awhile. For...uh...ya know...tests." Those tests are rumored to be wildly successful. While Wade's and Bosh's blood tested AB+ (a universal recipient), James' blood was rumored to contain the blood of several million Cleveland residents who were recently murdered in a bizzare and inexplicable event this summer. Even so, the transfusion was successful, and the team hopes for all three players to rejoin the team for Friday's game against the Philadelphia 76ers.
"We hope to honor Wilt Chamberlain's legacy in Philadelphia by having all three players break his record of 100 points in a single game," said Ross.
While most Miami fans were enthusiastic about the news, many around the league decried the use of such performance enhancing magic in the NBA. "We already have rumors of the Los Angeles Lakers using ancient Egyptian methods to give Kobe Bryant an extra edge," said NBA Commissioner, David Stern. "With so much of sports today cast into doubt, we do not need any performance enhancing magic on the court."
Perhaps the most vehement opponent of the Heat's new tatics, are the Houston Rockets, who appear to be haunted by an apparition, which appears to only appear in the fourth quarter (and by "everything" Yao means "a paranormal demon bent on my destruction [most likely point of entry: the foot]").
All in all, the rest of the season is looking up, if not more interesting. Heat head coach Eric Spoelstra agreed, "Even though we've already tried sacrificing virgins at the altar to satisfy Pat Riley (May he live forever!) and thus extend his life by 50 more years, it seems that it wasn't able to give us an edge against the rest of the Eastern Conference. But, you know, this might be the best thing that's happened to us so far."
LeChris Bowaderon was not available for comment.
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