Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part IX)

 

 

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

 

To Kill a Love Triangle

 

The night is dark and Kevin McCallister is hard at work.  He has been avoiding confrontation as much as possible during the Games; partly because he has spent most of his time shooting toy soldiers with his BB gun, but mostly because deep down he knows his moment to shine is yet to come.  He waits patiently for the climax of the competition, much like he waited until the end of Home Alone to depose of Harry and Marv. 

 

And those guys were a lot scarier than these MORONS, he thinks to himself as he recollects his victorious encounter with Wonka.  He ties a rope to the trigger of his BB gun and creatively wraps the other end to a lowrising branch.  If someone walks by at night, they will undoubtedly hit the branch and get shot by the BB, he concludes.  He takes comfort knowing that if that doesn't work, he still has the various paint cans, micromachines, and blowtorches that sponsors have sent him.  Kevin has the distinct advantage of being the only remaining kid in the competition, bringing a slew of various items to cause malaise from sympathizing sponsors.

 

As Kevin works meticulously at hiding nails face-up in the grass, he hears bristling in the woods.  Chills run down his spine faster than a New York minute.

 

Could it be him?

 

Very early in the competition Kevin was cavalier towards his opponents.  Not many looked formidable; the only one who was, Achilles, was taken out by a man who the Wet Bandits themselves would scoff at.  That was until the giant, pale man who lurked in the shadows began to haunt his dreams.  He had only seen him twice so far, but both encounters proved to be more frightening than the next.  

 

The first time Kevin was setting a trap for the Hamburglar.  A sponsor had sent a burger from the sky, no doubt to assuage any fears that the Hamburglar had about not having any inside the arena.  However, Kevin slyly picked it up and began to set a trap for his striped foe.  By placing the burger on top of a pit, he planned to catch his first victim.  He watched from a distance as the Hamburglar spoke to Katniss, believing it was only a matter of time before his opponent noticed the burger and lost all reason.  Kevin was giddy in that almost-but-not-quite-sociopathic way of his that was only revealed when he had to protect his house or when Elijah Wood came to visit.  That was until the monster man, who never said a word, revealed himself from behind a brush.  His placid demeanor terrified young Kevin and he scrambled away into the woods, screaming the entire way.  He didn't know what happened to the burger, but he believed the man had something to do with the Hamburglar's face being shown as a fallen tribute in the sky that night.

 

The next time he saw the mysterious man was much quicker yet even more terrifying.  Kevin had found himself in a tree when Super Mario began to trip on mushrooms.  Kevin, a master of all things Mario due to his incessant love for Gameboy, eagerly placed the mushroom around the plumber after he heard Mario's joyous laughter.  Mario quickly took the bait and his reaction to the psychedelic drug was almost instant.  He watched with amusement as Mario crouched down and then launched himself in the air, believing he was actually growing.  After throwing imaginary fireballs into the air, Mario ran full-speed into the woods and directly into the pale man, who stood stoic by a tree.

 

"Donkey Kong.  Is that you?" Mario asked hysterically.  The man didn't answer, but continued to stare with dead eyes.  "Let's go Kong! Time to save the Princess! Ya ha!"  Mario ran sluggishly ahead, leaving behind the towering ghost.  The man turned his head upwards, noticing Kevin in the tree immediately. 

 

"AHHHHHH!"

 

Kevin ran, hands on cheeks, screaming into the woods.

 

Now Kevin hid as if he had just destroyed his brother Buzz's shelves.  He awaits his menacing stalker on a tree branch attached to a blowtorch.  As soon as I see him, I'll blow him to Kingdom come.

 

Much to Kevin's surprise, three figures emerge from the forest.  One is an athletic male wearing 80's attire and a decidedly awesome mullet.  To his right, the same dark-haired beauty who he witnessed wooing both Cage and Wonka from before looked longingly at Dalton.  Trailing a few feet behind, the homeless-looking guy who attacked Achilles on the first day is visibly shaking, clearly having withdrawals.

 

 

 

"Dalton," Kate says, "I wouldn't have left Cage if I didn't have deep feelings for what we have."

 

"Save it, Kate.  I'm not into brunnetes."

 

"Hey, Kate, I still kinda have a thing for the Waitress...she's my one an only...but can I ask you somethin'?"

 

Kate stops five feet from the very tree where, unbeknownst to her, Kevin McCallister holds a can of paint, ready to attack.  Yet although his position works in his advantage, he is weary to attack three at once, deciding to hold off unless one runs into his BB trap. 

 

Kate, meanwhile, is slowly coming to grips that she left the enigmatic yet promising Cage, who insisted on "taking off Dwight's face" for these two clowns on the off-chance she could start a love triangle with them.  Little did she know that Dalton's zen prevented him from falling for anyone other than blonde doctors while  Charlie would be as useful as a pair of kitten mittons.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" she asked, exasperated.

 

"Uh..you haven't by chance picked up any glue in the arena, huh?  Mac promised he was gonna send some.  Man!  What's a guy gotta do to huff a li'l glue around here, huh?!"

 

Kate doesn't answer, but continues to walk.  Dalton looks at his comrade, placing a knowing arm around him.

 

"Don't worry, buddy," Dalton says, "we're going to take real good care of you at the Cornucopia.  Have you ever tried meditating?"

 

Charlie looks past him with wide eyes, noticing something laying in the grass just ahead of them.  He laughs maniacally and runs towards the package while Dalton and Kate look at him curiously.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" Kate asks cautiously.

 

Charlie doesn't answer at first, instead crouching down and examining a sleek suit that he has grown to love over the years.  He picks it up and shows it to his friends gleefully. They stare back in confusion.

 

"Awww yeah! Mac in the house!  Don't you see what it is?!" Charlie exclaims.  "We can win now!"

 

"Charlie, we can't win anything," Kate says.  "Do you not remember the rules?  And what is that?  It smells horrible."

 

Charlie doesn't answer, but begins to put on the suit.

 

"Guys... I'M GREENMAN!"

 

 

 

Kevin looks on as the three people disappear into the night before sighing with relief.  He had the jump on them, but he would wait for an opportunity to pick them off one by one.  He just needed some more ---

 

SNAP!

 

The branch that Kevin rests on breaks in half, sending him sprawling towards the ground like a sack of voltage adapters.  Three feet from the ground, his leg tangles in a noose he had prepared earlier on an adjacent branch.  He now hangs helplessly from the ankle, which seers in pain.  He yelps, but tries his best to conceal his lamentations until he realizes the blowtorch has been activated mere inches from him.  It dangles on a string, coming dangerously close to burning him.  It will be a matter of moments before his own traps doom him.  He groans at his misfortune.

 

"My brother was right," Kevin says aloud, "I AM A DISEASE!"

 

Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from the abyss.  Kevin's heart sinks into his stomach, an impressive feat seeing as he hangs upside down.  He slowly begins to realize that the torch may now be the least of his worries.

 

It's him.

 

Kevin begins to scream as the man walks slowly towards him, a nervous look in his eyes.  He yells for the trio to come back to save him, but no one comes.  The ghost stares at him for a few moments, curiously watching the blowtorch spin next to the boy, before making his move towards him.  Kevin closes his eyes, finally accepting his fate.

 

Before he knows it, he senses the man's large hands tearing at rope, loosening the grip of the noose.  Confused, Kevin opens his eyes and sees that the man isn't trying to harm him, but is freeing him.  He lands with a thud on the ground below him, his ankle swelling profusely.  Kevin looks up at the man with bewildered eyes.  No one says a word.  Finally, the man waves to him.  Kevin hesitantly waves back.  The man then extends his hand to help the mischievous boy to his feet. 

 

"Hi."

 

"Huh..hello."

 

"...I'm Boo."

 

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part VIII)

See part:

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

Of Monsters, Ninja Stars, and Men

Nic Cage and Kate sit on top of a bluff overlooking the wooded field thirty feet below them.  Ever since Wonka had been taken out by the youngster, Kate had been keeping an eye out for traps.  Cage, whose hair is long and blond today, keeps his eyes focused ahead of him, seemingly KNOWING what was going to happen NEXT.  He had brought them to this peak, much to her confusion.

"I don't understand.  We are sitting ducks up here," she says to him as he pulls out a pair of expensive sunglasses.  They have fiery symbols emblazoned on the sides.

"I stole these shades from the devil himself," Cage claims, completely ignorant to the fact that Kate is sitting next to him.  He releases a boastful laugh before noticing the shaking of trees below him.  They both notice Lennie, the lovable hulk-of-a-man who didn't seem to be totally right in the head, aimlessly walking through the jungle.  If Kate didn't know any better, she would have thought that he was at complete peace out there in the wilderness by himself.

"We should ask him to join us," Kate says aloud, thinking that she can possibly play the two males against each other.  At this point, the thought of a potential love triangle is the main driving force keeping her going.  However, Cage doesn't acknowledge her, instead pointing twenty feet ahead where Katniss has her bow poised to take out the lumbering ranch hand.

Katniss' thoughts run rampant as she keeps her arrow trained to Lennie's forehead.  This behemoth is a threat and I can't trust anyone, she thinks to herself.  But at the same time, why is he smiling?  Doesn't he know it's not safe to walk out in the open? 

Before she can act, the Man in the Mustard Yellow Shirt appears behind Lennie, aggressively brandishing a large kitana.  He moves silently yet quickly, and Katniss can't help but feel real sympathy for the unassuming giant.  She tries to aim for Dwight Schrute, but has no shot as he runs directly behind Lennie.  Finally, she reacts.

"Lennie! Behind you!'

Lennie hears the girl shout and turns around, his mammoth arms accidentally colliding into Dwight's head.  The man crumples into the grass, unconscious.  Lennie's shoulders perk up shamefully as he turns back to Katniss.

"Gee, I sure didn't mean to do that, ma'am."

Katniss has completely lowered her weapon, conceding that she is unable to harm such an innocent man. 

"It's okay, Lennie.  That's your name right?"

"Yes'm.  I was minding my own business here when the man-"

"It's okay, Lennie.  I'll protect you."

Katniss stands a few feet from him, wanting to show good faith but cautious to move forward.

"What's your name?"

"Katniss."

"Like a cat?  You look soft."  Lennie moved closer to her and touched her arm.  Katniss, unsure of what to do, stood with her arms folded but allowed him to continue.  The next thing she knew, his arms had wrapped around her tighter than a boa constrictor.  Lennie laughed as he continued to hug his new friend tight.  Friends had been few and far between here in the arena.  He ignored her gasps as he thought about George, his best friend who promised him they would own their own land someday.  If only he could be here now; this land could be their land.

Finally, Lennie lets go.  Katniss crumbles to the ground next to Dwight, who is suddenly coming to.  He looks at the ground next to him and laughs at what he sees.  Lennie, panicking, begins to cry.

"Why won't she wake up?!" he asks incredulously.  Dwight, fearful for his own safety, continues to lay down to avoid any confrontation. 

"Lennie, are you looking for George?" he asked, recanting the name from which he had overheard Lennie saying to himself while stalking him earlier.  Lennie looked up between tears and nodded his head slowly.  "Don't worry, I know where he is."

"Can you take me to him?" he wiped away at his face as Dwight stood up nodding.

"Of course I can, Len.  You lead the way and I'll show you.  He's just around this here thicket."

Lennie follows Dwight's instructions and leads the way into the thicket.  Dwight hears an audible gasp from the cliff above.  He turns his head and sees Nic Cage and Kate, the former holding his hands over Kate's mouth.  Dwight snickers and gives a fake bow before plunging a ninja star into Lennie's thick neck.  He runs awkwardly into the thicket and out of sight from the duo above.  Cage stands, sighs, and immediately begins to scale the cliff. 

"You knew this was coming, didn't you?" Kate asks in outrage.  Cage merely nods, continuing his descent to the bottom.  "Where are you going??"

For the first time in hours, Cage acknowledges his companion. 

"I'm going to take his face....OFF!"

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION:  KATNISS EVERDEEN AND LENNIE SMALL

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part VI)

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

 The Plumber, the Bouncer, and the Ugly

"Charlie, I think it's time for you to wash that off," Dalton sighed as he serenely chopped at the air.

Charlie, Dalton, and Marcia sit near a bubbling brook, taking a few minutes to rest after hours of trekking.  Marcia admires her companion as he practices karate in the sunlight, forgetting that he actually had never stopped performing since they teamed up.  Meanwhile, she is still terrified of Charlie, whose blood-soaked beard had dried in the heat.

"Ah c'mon, Dalton, I killed Achilles!  You think I'm gonna kill that guy and then just wash this glory off?" Charlie laughed hysterically.  Dalton didn't acknowledge him, instead choosing to bask in the sunlight.  Charlie, feeling uneasy at his calm, concedes, dumping his head face-first into the icy brook.  Red splotches drifted downstream.  Marcia gives a disgusted look and began singing "It's a Sunshine Day" to ease herself.

"Aww yeahh!  Look what I found!"

Charlie lifts a dead fish from the water joyously and begins to do a little jig.  Finally, Dalton stops his act and peers upon the situation.  He has no idea how his companion could find substance, not realizing that Charlie's venomous mouth is so potent that at least five other fish died moments after his face tainted the brook.

"Groovy!" Marcia exclaims.

"That's a good fish.  We can cook--"

Dalton stops mid-sentence as Charlie takes a giant bite out of the fish.

"Eww!  Alice always cooks those first!" Marcia, defeated, collapses into Dalton's stoic arms and begins to cry.

Charlie continues to take hunks off of the fish until he realizes there's more blood flowing down his face.  Not wanting to seem low class, he wipes it off with his forehand and inexplicably bows, extending the half-eaten raw fish to his new friends.  Dalton looks at him with no expression.

"Dead fish don't swim around in jealous tides."

Charlie looks at him quizzically, utterly incapable of understanding Dalton's philosophy.  The quote, along with Marcia holding on to him like he was Desi Arnaz Jr., makes him realize just how inferior he is to the bouncer.

"You're so cool, Dalton, man...you want me to eat another fish or somethin'? Tell me what I should do to be cool like you."

Dalton's '80s-style hair sweats magnificently in the sun.  He thinks about the company he is keeping; deep down he always knew it would come to this as he always had a penchant for blondes and lovable losers.  It would have made more since for him to team up with that Kate girl, who seemed to have some use, or even the ninja star-throwing office worker (whose smoky fire was still visable on the horizon), but then again, Dalton never seemed to mind the struggle.  In fact, he welcomed it.

"Charlie, there are a few rules of being successful in this game.  The first, expect the unexpected.  The second, never understimate your opponent.  And the third, be nice."

"That sounds.........AWESOME bro!"

Dalton knew that Charlie was a lost cause and reached into his pocket.  "Also, here is a dagger that I found that I have no use for.  Only use physical violence when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary."

Just a little ways away inside an unexplained pipe, a short, plump little man watches what's unfolding.  Super Mario had spent hours in his singular mission trying to track down the Princess.  That damned Bowser is within my grasp, he thought to himself.  Along the way, he discovered what he thought was King Koopa.  Only after the fact did he realize that it was just sad, depressing Willie Loman.  Who was probably hiding the fake Princess somewhere, too.  And on top of that, why are there so many fake Princesses?  

About an hour earlier, Mario had found a mushroom in a field.  Thinking he would grow to be big (or, compared to the rest, normal sized), he devoured it.  Since then he was oblivious to the reality that it was, in fact, a psychedelic mushroom and that he was currently tripping.  In his eyes, he had finally found Bowser, who was holding on to the Princess while his brother Luigi was forced to eat raw fish.  Because even in his drugged out trip, Mario knew not to eat raw fish.

Mario, feeling heroic, jumps out of the pipe and leaps his way towards the trio, showing off his trademark laugh the entire way.  Because of this, Dalton and the rest notice the hilarious site of a drugged-up Mario sluggishly making his way to them.

"Oh yes come right in," Charlie said as Mario pushed him violently out of the way.  He continues to make an outstanding leap, intending to flatten the imposing Bowser.  In reality, Dalton shrugs this attack off and throws Mario back towards Charlie.  Mario lands next to him in a tired heap.

"Luigi, I can't do this alone!" Mario whispers as he gets to her feet.

"Luigi?  I'm not your brother, bro!  But I-"

"Your breath is HORRIBLE.  Now help me kill Bowser."

Mario turns and pulls out a gun, which he had found in the pipe earlier.  Luckily he honed his skill during his time in Super Smash Bros.  He aims it at Dalton with a menacing laugh.  "Yahoo!" 

Dalton didn't hesitate, standing directly in front of Marcia in order to protect her.  In one fell swoop, he grabs Mario with one hand and menacingly holds up his other hand towards the tiny plumber's neck.  As the gun goes off, Dalton mercilessly tears the throat out of the 64-bit Italian, who falls into a heap. Dalton turns around to see what he already feared most: Marcia Brady, holding her stomach where the bullet went piercing through.  He runs towards her as she remained staggering.

At the exact moment, a shiny dagger flies over Dalton's shoulder, the blunt end hitting Marcia square in the face.  As she falls over, Dalton looks back incredulously at Charlie.

"Charlie, what are you doing?!"

"Oh I'm sorry!" Charlie says sarcastically, "I see a gun and I'm NOT going to throw that dagger.  I don't think so."

Dalton looks down at his fallen woman, who has time to give out her final, meager words before her death.

"Oh, my nose!"

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: SUPER MARIO AND MARCIA BRADY

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part III)

(The Hamburglar)

Part I
Part II

L’Morte d’Hamburglar

While the chaos around the Cornucopia ensues, The Hamburglar begins his hunt.   He, as always, is a man possessed.  He weaves in and out of the carnage.  To his left Nic Cage is engaged in a ferocious fight with Wonka (apparently over a backpack full of candy and cash, neither of which interests The ‘Burg).  To his right, Achilles is lazily strolling around the Cornucopia, seemingly trying to find the best place to tan, having just half-heartedly dispensed of Yossarian.  In front of him, Nic Cage is digging through supplies, rapidly pocketing food…wait, didn’t I just see Nic Cage, The Hamburglar thinks.  He brushes it off and continues his quest…his quest for hamburgers. 

After about ten minutes of digging through backpacks at the Cornucopia and avoiding getting killed by the other combatants, The Hamburglar is perturbed.  Where are the hamburgers? he thinks, I don’t mind them being hidden, stealing is part of the thrill, but I thought surely they’d have stored some near the Cornucopia.  Could they be in the woods?  He’s had no trouble avoiding attacks so far, HB is sly and elusive, and he decides now is the time to team up with one of the others, maybe they can help each other.  He heads away from the Cornucopia, towards the woods, and within minutes he sees just the girl he’s looking for.  She’s sitting in a tree twenty yards away, watching, bow in hand, an arrow pointing directly at his head.  “Don’t shoot,” HB calls out, “I think we can help each other.”  “How?” replies the girl.  “Katniss, right?”  HB remembers briefly running into her at the Tributes’ reception dinner as he was on his way to swipe a nice medium-well bleu cheese from the buffet table.  “Yes,” she says, warily, “how are you going to help me, aren’t you that guy who is obsessed with hamburgers?”  “Right you are Katniss.  You have a good memory,” it’s time for the ‘Burg to turn on the charm, anything to get the precious hamburgers.  “I don’t want to kill you or anyone else Katniss, all I want is ground beef, and all you want is to stay alive.  I’ve been a thief for thirty years now, Katniss.  I don’t have money as result, but what I do have is a very special set of skills, skills that will make me a very valuable ally to someone like you, someone who needs to hide and needs to stealthily find food.”  “I can do that myself,” Katniss says flatly, “I’ve been doing it all my life.  Besides, what would you get from me?”  “You’ve been here before,” HB continues, un-phased, “you know where they’ll have hidden the burgers, tell me Katniss, tell me where the burgers are and I’ll use all my guile and knowledge to help you survive as long as I can.”  Katniss doesn’t respond immediately, she must be considering it, I’ve made her a fair offer, The Hamburglar thinks.  “Do you really think there are hamburgers in the arena?” Katniss asks, lowering her bow for a moment, stunned by the Burglar’s proposal.  “What do you mean ‘no hamburgers in the arena’?”  HB asks, genuinely puzzled.  “This is a game of survival, hamburgers are a luxury.  The Gamemakers absolutely did not put any hamburgers in the arena,” Katniss replies, still somewhat flummoxed by the line of questioning she is receiving but earnestly trying to get across the facts to this poor, confused individual, “this is a world without hamburgers.” 

The Hamburglar stares at this strange girl, a world without hamburgers?  What would that be?  This girl must be lying to me and I have to admit she is very creative, to conceive of a world in which there are no hamburgers.  What a concept!  But then again, she has been in the arena before, and why would she lie to me when I’m offering her protection?  Could it be true?  The Hamburglar, suddenly light-headed, falls to one knee, his mind spinning.  If there are no hamburgers…what do I steal?  If I can’t steal, what do I do?  Why am I here? ... Am I here?  My acknowledgement of my own existence has always been grounded in a purpose for my being.  Has my presupposition, that there is an objectively real and eternal physical world in which I am able, nay created, to steal delicious hamburgers, thereby rationalizing my own cosmic existence, been false?  My sense of purpose is my identity, my identity and confidence that I exist is, and has always been, the barometer against which I test the truth of all other propositions!! I steal, therefore I am! But if have no burgers to steal, am I? What is truly real? What is truth?!

Katniss, still up in the tree, staring at the poor, ontologically-challenged man, blinks.  And in that short amount of time, the millisecond in which her eyelids close over her dark pupils, something happens to The Hamburglar.  He vanishes.  In literally the blink of an eye, The Hamburglar simply ceases to exist.  One minute he was shaking on one knee, obviously conflicted, his mind racing frantically to grasp something…something.  The next moment, he’s gone…what is a Hamburglar in a world without Big Macs?  I suppose the sponsors could have sent him some burgers if he’d have asked, I guess he didn’t know…Katniss thinks to herself, oh well…                           

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: THE HAMBURGLAR

 (Willy Loman)

Death of a Salesman?

Willy Loman is in the woods, alone. 

It's midday and Willy has been sitting under a tree for about an hour.  Having sprinted, once the timer went off, as fast as his old legs could take him away from the Cornucopia (he managed to grab only a cigarette lighter near his pedestal), Willy has been hiding in the trees, struggling in vain to collect himself and devise a strategy.   He’d met everyone before the Games began, he shaken as many hands as he could, he thought he was well-liked amongst the competitors, but no one joined with him at the Cornucopia, and now he sits in the woods, alone.  They must not want to fight me, Willy thinks to himself, after all, who wants to kill someone they like, someone they respect? Yes, they probably thought it best simply to avoid a situation in which they must battle their friend.  His thoughts drift for awhile, oscillating between plans to find food and envisioning how great it’ll be when he really needs help and all the other competitors he met, who he laughed with, will come to his aid once they see him in a dire situation, or, if he died, how heartbroken they’d be when his face was projected onto the night sky announcing him recently deceased.  They may all salute him!  Certainly there would at least be respects paid…Eventually, Willy stands up and begins to make his way deeper into the woods, alone.     

Night finally falls.  The forest is dark as Willy wanders through the woods, lost, child-like.  He needs to find shelter; he needs to prove himself to Biff.  Biff, he thinks, he could have been such a great man, so much potential…Willy shakes himself out of his daydream, he has to concentrate.  Trudging warily between the trees Willy fights to keep himself in the present but he continues to lose focus…his thoughts go to Biff.  Then, suddenly, he hears something from his right.  It sounded like a branch, broken underfoot, Willy thinks.  He can’t see more two feet in front of him, the cigarette lighter from the Cornucopia providing the only light.  Too afraid to move closer and investigate the sound Willy calls out shakily, “who’s there? Who is it?”  Slowly, darkly, threateningly comes the rejoinder, “It’s a meeeeeee…..Mario.”  Before Willy can think there’s a comic sounding, BOING, as Mario flies high into the air, one fist raised, the other at his side.  He comes crashing down on Willy’s head, completely flattening him…

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION:  WILLY LOMAN

END OF PART III

1)    Achilles - 1/3

2)    Dalton - 10/1

3)    Katniss - 20/1

4)    Super Mario - 30/1

5)    Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)    Nic Cage - 40/1

7)    Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)    Kate Austen– 60/1

9)    Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lennie – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

      24) Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part I)

Welcome to the First Annual Fictional Hunger Games, brought to you by Ryan and myself. We will be acting as both the Gamemakers and the Capitol. Allow me to explain what we’ve got goin’ on here. Seven tributes each will be taken from three different districts representing Movies, Television and Literature, with three more coming from our “wildcard” tributes. They will, obviously, fight to the death in the arena of my mind. Ry and I will take turn narrating. Let’s begin by introducing our randomly selected tributes!

(Willy Wonka - Featured Tribute)

MOVIE DISTRICT - The Movie District will be mentored by widely-claimed awesome dude, John McClain of Die Hard fame.  This group should be well-prepared to deliver fantastic post-killing one-liners. McClain became a Hunger Games sensation when he dominated the competition last year. Representing the Movie District will be:

• Rudy Ruettiger – The famous try-hard and titular character in the movie, Rudy. This should be interesting; he’s clearly determined and tough but he’ll have to watch out for more than a pulling left guard in these games.
• Adrian Balboa - The worst female character in any move, ever. I anticipate that she’ll be largely negative, whiny and will probably drag one of the male favorites down. She may even squeeze in a classic “You can’t win!!” Everyone aim for Adrian (I’ll try to be an unbiased commentator but for AB I’m making an exception).
• Kevin McCallister - This is an interesting entry. He’s small and a child but you can’t say he’s unprepared. This precocious victim of chronic parental neglect is very resourceful has defended him house before.
• Katniss Everdeen - Wow, this poor girl can’t catch a break. She should, however, be a real contender. Her hunting skills and experience in the Games will make surely make her one of the early favorites. (Reminder, this is Katniss from the movie not from the book, no “Catching Fire” influence here. Also, as it is the movie-Katniss, feel free to picture Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, I know I will…)
• Dalton - You may remember this classic Swayze character as a philosophical bouncer with a penchant for ripping out throats and a heart of gold. He has a distinct advantage of being an enlightened drifter, and if that doesn't sell you, his boastful claim of "Pain don't hurt" will, though his downfall could be a pretty young blonde or a loveable loser (Ryan included this to imply Dalton's inevitable pairing with Marcia Brady and Charlie Kelly.  More on them below.)
• Willy Wonka – The Candy Man can? We’ll see…The tables will be somewhat turned on Wonka, who infamously subjected a group of unlucky (but admittedly awful) children to a contest-tour through the sadistic house of horrors he calls a chocolate factory. Certainly these games will be quite the departure from Wonka’s own, undoubtedly acid-influenced, “contest.” This time he will NOT be the master of puppets and there will be no little orange people sing-songing ethical warnings while contestants exit the arena but rather the cold steel of a body-retrieving hover craft and an unceremonious canon blast to announce your “exit” from the games.
• Nicholas Cage – A shocker, a true shocker. Apparently Nic Cage has done so many unremarkable movies lately that he himself has become a fictional character. This “Nic Cage” tribute will likely be some strange amalgam of many of Nic Cage’s recent roles as well as his seemingly fictional real life. He may be a tough competitor though, as he’ll likely bring motor-cycle stunts and an encyclopedic knowledge of American history to the table. Also, he may be a vampire and therefore un-killable, so this must at least be taken into consideration. It’ll be interesting to see what the Vegas odds-makers make of this unexpected and unprecedented entry.

 (Miss Piggy - Featured Tribute)

TELEVISION DISTRICT - Mentored by the ever-soothing (apparently not a real-life sniper, though I remain unconvinced) personality of Mr. Rogers himself. Mr. Rogers had a remarkable and frankly unsettling showing in the games a couple of years ago when he lulled everyone into a false sense of security with his warm tone, slow speech and knitwear… he then proceeded to NOT be very neighborly. Representing the Television District will be:

• Steve Urkel - This looks like an early exit unless Steve can somehow find a way put his science skills to work. Piercing nasally voices and clumsiness do not typically fare well in the games.
• Miss Piggy - The Muppet queen. She’s belligerent, she loves Kermit the Frog, you all know and love her. Well, you all know her at least. Piggy may end up being a force in the arena; she is low to the ground but she’s got some weight to throw around and she's proven on countless occasions that she’s not to be messed with when her fury has been aroused.
• Dwight Schrute - Here is a true competitor and a serious contender. Although he did lose a hand-to-hand battle with Michael Scott, he has no scruples when it comes to survival and he’s good with a bottle of pepper spray.
• Charlie Kelly – The Dayman himself. Charlie strikes me as more of a lover than a fighter, and by lover of course I mean stalker. He tends, also, to be more of a follower (stalker pun INtended) than a leader so it wouldn’t surprise me if he tries to cling on to someone bigger and stronger than himself.
• Marcia Brady - The All-American girl who made her sisters jealous and her brothers swoon. Since Greg Brady won’t be around to hint at any illicit love affairs, Marcia will have to pray that an impressionable young man will take her by the hand and protect her nose from any and all incoming doom.
• Horatio – Although there are more things in heaven and earth, than dreamt of in Horatio’s philosophy, he should still be a rational, competent player that…What’s that? Oh, Horatio from CSI: Miami, I see. Full disclosure, the Gamemakers placed Horatio into the Hunger Games to purely broaden the viewer demographic, and who can do that better than a pun-swinging, sunglass-wearing detective on a CBS procedural drama?
• Kate Austen – The Lost heroine. An intriguing character known for her uncanny ability to track people without any proper training as well as an innate ability to climb trees. If anything, look for her to play tributes against each other in an annoying love triangle.

 (Willy Loman - Featured Tribute)

LITERATURE DISTRICT – The Literature District will be mentored by Waldo of “Where’s Waldo?” fame. Waldo won the Games several years ago when, fortuitously, the Games were held in an arena designed to resemble a giant peppermint factory. Waldo simply disappeared. He was not found until he gave himself up shortly after all the final seven competitors (unable to track down Waldo after weeks of searching) took their own lives in frustration. Only then was Waldo ever spotted (even by the audience), as he came out of hiding to claim victory. Sticking his head out from behind a candy cane and waving, Waldo wore the same closed-mouthed, mild expression he entered the arena with as the announcer proclaimed him winner. Representing the Literature District will be:

• Willy Loman – Traveling salesman, adulterer and generally sad main character of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman…We might get to see a new interpretation of that play in the Games…
• Hester Prynne – (In Michael Buffer voice) Iconic protagonist of American literature, often imitated but never duplicated, known the world over by a single red letterrrrr, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hester “The Puritan Pariahhhhhhh” Paaaaarrrrrryyyyynnnneee!!! Another tough break for poor Hester. We’ll see if she casts a few stones herself or waits to be pushed. If she makes it to the latter part of the games I’d watch for her to team up.
• Harry Potter - YIKES, HP vs. Katniss…the final showdown. Unfortunately for Harry there is no magic in the Hunger Games (unless you count the magic of mortal combat) so we’ll get to see how much of a crutch that wand has become. Maybe a surprise sleeper pick here though, after all, he is “the boy who lived.”
• Yossarian - The bombardier stuck in a Catch-22 during WWII won’t be catching any breaks here in the arena, either. While the only way to get out of the army was by declaring himself insane (which in turn proved his sanity, thus keeping him in the army), the only way Yossarian will get out of the arena is ignoring any debilitating paradoxes…
• Boo Radley - More myth than man, not much can be said of this contestant.
• Helen of Troy – The face that launched a thousand ships. The famous beauty and lover of Paris. She should certainly get plenty of support from the sponsors but I would imagine her best strategy would be to use her looks to manipulate the competition or at the least to secure some protection from one of the stronger male players. By comparison, Marcia Brady now looks only slightly more appealing than Danny DeVito doing hot yoga. Unfortunately for Marcia Marcia Marcia, her “snag a protector” strategy (if that is her strategy…and it is) seems now less likely to succeed.
• Lennie Small – The dim yet faithful farmhand from Of Mice and Men. Although he may not willingly hurt a fly, Lenny’s propensity for crushing bunnies and ranch wives may actually come in handy in the arena. This is especially true if he realizes he is truly “livin’ on the fatta’ the lan’."
  

WILDCARD DISTRICT - Yes, there are three tributes taken from the Wildcard District, there are no rules as to where this fictional character originates. The tributes will be mentored by former wildcard victor, the Jolly Green Giant. The Giant was absolutely dominant in his Games, but he had no excuse not to be, he’s green and enormous. He ended up just playing with other tributes alternating between hiding from them or just seizing them and crushing them with his vegetable-powered vice grip. Representing the Wildcards will be:

• Super Mario - The tiny Italian plumber who vaulted himself to worldwide fame by rescuing the Princess and jumping on things. Unfortunately for Mario there are unlikely to be any size-enhancing mushrooms (besides, we all know Wonka is going straight for any mushrooms in the arena) and he certainly won’t have multiple lives…
• The Hamburglar – The enigmatic burger thief. The dossier on the Hamburglar is incredibly thin. Where have you been Hamburglar? Why is it that, seemingly, everyone knows about the Hamburglar and yet no one can actually recall how they know about him or when exactly they discovered him? He is as elusive as they come (doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page!!!). This much we do know: he wears a black and white jumpsuit, looooves hamburgers, and shows a certain disregard for property law. He is a wildcard in every sense of the word.
• Achilles – Well that’s unfortunate for everyone else. I’m not saying I’m ready to call this thing but I am saying that, barring a Woodsian meltdown, this competition is his to lose. I mean c’mon, its Achilles. On a side, note, the tension between Achilles and Helen of Troy may be an interesting sub-plot.
  

After the Reaping, here are the current Vegas odds:

1) Achilles - 1/3

2) Dalton - 10/1

3) Katniss - 20/1

4) Super Mario - 30/1

5) Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6) Nic Cage - 40/1

7) Willy Wonka – 60/1

8) Kate – 60/1

9) Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lenny – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24) Boo Radley - ?

Place your bets now, the action will commence in the next post...