Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part IX)

 

 

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

 

To Kill a Love Triangle

 

The night is dark and Kevin McCallister is hard at work.  He has been avoiding confrontation as much as possible during the Games; partly because he has spent most of his time shooting toy soldiers with his BB gun, but mostly because deep down he knows his moment to shine is yet to come.  He waits patiently for the climax of the competition, much like he waited until the end of Home Alone to depose of Harry and Marv. 

 

And those guys were a lot scarier than these MORONS, he thinks to himself as he recollects his victorious encounter with Wonka.  He ties a rope to the trigger of his BB gun and creatively wraps the other end to a lowrising branch.  If someone walks by at night, they will undoubtedly hit the branch and get shot by the BB, he concludes.  He takes comfort knowing that if that doesn't work, he still has the various paint cans, micromachines, and blowtorches that sponsors have sent him.  Kevin has the distinct advantage of being the only remaining kid in the competition, bringing a slew of various items to cause malaise from sympathizing sponsors.

 

As Kevin works meticulously at hiding nails face-up in the grass, he hears bristling in the woods.  Chills run down his spine faster than a New York minute.

 

Could it be him?

 

Very early in the competition Kevin was cavalier towards his opponents.  Not many looked formidable; the only one who was, Achilles, was taken out by a man who the Wet Bandits themselves would scoff at.  That was until the giant, pale man who lurked in the shadows began to haunt his dreams.  He had only seen him twice so far, but both encounters proved to be more frightening than the next.  

 

The first time Kevin was setting a trap for the Hamburglar.  A sponsor had sent a burger from the sky, no doubt to assuage any fears that the Hamburglar had about not having any inside the arena.  However, Kevin slyly picked it up and began to set a trap for his striped foe.  By placing the burger on top of a pit, he planned to catch his first victim.  He watched from a distance as the Hamburglar spoke to Katniss, believing it was only a matter of time before his opponent noticed the burger and lost all reason.  Kevin was giddy in that almost-but-not-quite-sociopathic way of his that was only revealed when he had to protect his house or when Elijah Wood came to visit.  That was until the monster man, who never said a word, revealed himself from behind a brush.  His placid demeanor terrified young Kevin and he scrambled away into the woods, screaming the entire way.  He didn't know what happened to the burger, but he believed the man had something to do with the Hamburglar's face being shown as a fallen tribute in the sky that night.

 

The next time he saw the mysterious man was much quicker yet even more terrifying.  Kevin had found himself in a tree when Super Mario began to trip on mushrooms.  Kevin, a master of all things Mario due to his incessant love for Gameboy, eagerly placed the mushroom around the plumber after he heard Mario's joyous laughter.  Mario quickly took the bait and his reaction to the psychedelic drug was almost instant.  He watched with amusement as Mario crouched down and then launched himself in the air, believing he was actually growing.  After throwing imaginary fireballs into the air, Mario ran full-speed into the woods and directly into the pale man, who stood stoic by a tree.

 

"Donkey Kong.  Is that you?" Mario asked hysterically.  The man didn't answer, but continued to stare with dead eyes.  "Let's go Kong! Time to save the Princess! Ya ha!"  Mario ran sluggishly ahead, leaving behind the towering ghost.  The man turned his head upwards, noticing Kevin in the tree immediately. 

 

"AHHHHHH!"

 

Kevin ran, hands on cheeks, screaming into the woods.

 

Now Kevin hid as if he had just destroyed his brother Buzz's shelves.  He awaits his menacing stalker on a tree branch attached to a blowtorch.  As soon as I see him, I'll blow him to Kingdom come.

 

Much to Kevin's surprise, three figures emerge from the forest.  One is an athletic male wearing 80's attire and a decidedly awesome mullet.  To his right, the same dark-haired beauty who he witnessed wooing both Cage and Wonka from before looked longingly at Dalton.  Trailing a few feet behind, the homeless-looking guy who attacked Achilles on the first day is visibly shaking, clearly having withdrawals.

 

 

 

"Dalton," Kate says, "I wouldn't have left Cage if I didn't have deep feelings for what we have."

 

"Save it, Kate.  I'm not into brunnetes."

 

"Hey, Kate, I still kinda have a thing for the Waitress...she's my one an only...but can I ask you somethin'?"

 

Kate stops five feet from the very tree where, unbeknownst to her, Kevin McCallister holds a can of paint, ready to attack.  Yet although his position works in his advantage, he is weary to attack three at once, deciding to hold off unless one runs into his BB trap. 

 

Kate, meanwhile, is slowly coming to grips that she left the enigmatic yet promising Cage, who insisted on "taking off Dwight's face" for these two clowns on the off-chance she could start a love triangle with them.  Little did she know that Dalton's zen prevented him from falling for anyone other than blonde doctors while  Charlie would be as useful as a pair of kitten mittons.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" she asked, exasperated.

 

"Uh..you haven't by chance picked up any glue in the arena, huh?  Mac promised he was gonna send some.  Man!  What's a guy gotta do to huff a li'l glue around here, huh?!"

 

Kate doesn't answer, but continues to walk.  Dalton looks at his comrade, placing a knowing arm around him.

 

"Don't worry, buddy," Dalton says, "we're going to take real good care of you at the Cornucopia.  Have you ever tried meditating?"

 

Charlie looks past him with wide eyes, noticing something laying in the grass just ahead of them.  He laughs maniacally and runs towards the package while Dalton and Kate look at him curiously.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" Kate asks cautiously.

 

Charlie doesn't answer at first, instead crouching down and examining a sleek suit that he has grown to love over the years.  He picks it up and shows it to his friends gleefully. They stare back in confusion.

 

"Awww yeah! Mac in the house!  Don't you see what it is?!" Charlie exclaims.  "We can win now!"

 

"Charlie, we can't win anything," Kate says.  "Do you not remember the rules?  And what is that?  It smells horrible."

 

Charlie doesn't answer, but begins to put on the suit.

 

"Guys... I'M GREENMAN!"

 

 

 

Kevin looks on as the three people disappear into the night before sighing with relief.  He had the jump on them, but he would wait for an opportunity to pick them off one by one.  He just needed some more ---

 

SNAP!

 

The branch that Kevin rests on breaks in half, sending him sprawling towards the ground like a sack of voltage adapters.  Three feet from the ground, his leg tangles in a noose he had prepared earlier on an adjacent branch.  He now hangs helplessly from the ankle, which seers in pain.  He yelps, but tries his best to conceal his lamentations until he realizes the blowtorch has been activated mere inches from him.  It dangles on a string, coming dangerously close to burning him.  It will be a matter of moments before his own traps doom him.  He groans at his misfortune.

 

"My brother was right," Kevin says aloud, "I AM A DISEASE!"

 

Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from the abyss.  Kevin's heart sinks into his stomach, an impressive feat seeing as he hangs upside down.  He slowly begins to realize that the torch may now be the least of his worries.

 

It's him.

 

Kevin begins to scream as the man walks slowly towards him, a nervous look in his eyes.  He yells for the trio to come back to save him, but no one comes.  The ghost stares at him for a few moments, curiously watching the blowtorch spin next to the boy, before making his move towards him.  Kevin closes his eyes, finally accepting his fate.

 

Before he knows it, he senses the man's large hands tearing at rope, loosening the grip of the noose.  Confused, Kevin opens his eyes and sees that the man isn't trying to harm him, but is freeing him.  He lands with a thud on the ground below him, his ankle swelling profusely.  Kevin looks up at the man with bewildered eyes.  No one says a word.  Finally, the man waves to him.  Kevin hesitantly waves back.  The man then extends his hand to help the mischievous boy to his feet. 

 

"Hi."

 

"Huh..hello."

 

"...I'm Boo."

 

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part I)

Welcome to the First Annual Fictional Hunger Games, brought to you by Ryan and myself. We will be acting as both the Gamemakers and the Capitol. Allow me to explain what we’ve got goin’ on here. Seven tributes each will be taken from three different districts representing Movies, Television and Literature, with three more coming from our “wildcard” tributes. They will, obviously, fight to the death in the arena of my mind. Ry and I will take turn narrating. Let’s begin by introducing our randomly selected tributes!

(Willy Wonka - Featured Tribute)

MOVIE DISTRICT - The Movie District will be mentored by widely-claimed awesome dude, John McClain of Die Hard fame.  This group should be well-prepared to deliver fantastic post-killing one-liners. McClain became a Hunger Games sensation when he dominated the competition last year. Representing the Movie District will be:

• Rudy Ruettiger – The famous try-hard and titular character in the movie, Rudy. This should be interesting; he’s clearly determined and tough but he’ll have to watch out for more than a pulling left guard in these games.
• Adrian Balboa - The worst female character in any move, ever. I anticipate that she’ll be largely negative, whiny and will probably drag one of the male favorites down. She may even squeeze in a classic “You can’t win!!” Everyone aim for Adrian (I’ll try to be an unbiased commentator but for AB I’m making an exception).
• Kevin McCallister - This is an interesting entry. He’s small and a child but you can’t say he’s unprepared. This precocious victim of chronic parental neglect is very resourceful has defended him house before.
• Katniss Everdeen - Wow, this poor girl can’t catch a break. She should, however, be a real contender. Her hunting skills and experience in the Games will make surely make her one of the early favorites. (Reminder, this is Katniss from the movie not from the book, no “Catching Fire” influence here. Also, as it is the movie-Katniss, feel free to picture Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, I know I will…)
• Dalton - You may remember this classic Swayze character as a philosophical bouncer with a penchant for ripping out throats and a heart of gold. He has a distinct advantage of being an enlightened drifter, and if that doesn't sell you, his boastful claim of "Pain don't hurt" will, though his downfall could be a pretty young blonde or a loveable loser (Ryan included this to imply Dalton's inevitable pairing with Marcia Brady and Charlie Kelly.  More on them below.)
• Willy Wonka – The Candy Man can? We’ll see…The tables will be somewhat turned on Wonka, who infamously subjected a group of unlucky (but admittedly awful) children to a contest-tour through the sadistic house of horrors he calls a chocolate factory. Certainly these games will be quite the departure from Wonka’s own, undoubtedly acid-influenced, “contest.” This time he will NOT be the master of puppets and there will be no little orange people sing-songing ethical warnings while contestants exit the arena but rather the cold steel of a body-retrieving hover craft and an unceremonious canon blast to announce your “exit” from the games.
• Nicholas Cage – A shocker, a true shocker. Apparently Nic Cage has done so many unremarkable movies lately that he himself has become a fictional character. This “Nic Cage” tribute will likely be some strange amalgam of many of Nic Cage’s recent roles as well as his seemingly fictional real life. He may be a tough competitor though, as he’ll likely bring motor-cycle stunts and an encyclopedic knowledge of American history to the table. Also, he may be a vampire and therefore un-killable, so this must at least be taken into consideration. It’ll be interesting to see what the Vegas odds-makers make of this unexpected and unprecedented entry.

 (Miss Piggy - Featured Tribute)

TELEVISION DISTRICT - Mentored by the ever-soothing (apparently not a real-life sniper, though I remain unconvinced) personality of Mr. Rogers himself. Mr. Rogers had a remarkable and frankly unsettling showing in the games a couple of years ago when he lulled everyone into a false sense of security with his warm tone, slow speech and knitwear… he then proceeded to NOT be very neighborly. Representing the Television District will be:

• Steve Urkel - This looks like an early exit unless Steve can somehow find a way put his science skills to work. Piercing nasally voices and clumsiness do not typically fare well in the games.
• Miss Piggy - The Muppet queen. She’s belligerent, she loves Kermit the Frog, you all know and love her. Well, you all know her at least. Piggy may end up being a force in the arena; she is low to the ground but she’s got some weight to throw around and she's proven on countless occasions that she’s not to be messed with when her fury has been aroused.
• Dwight Schrute - Here is a true competitor and a serious contender. Although he did lose a hand-to-hand battle with Michael Scott, he has no scruples when it comes to survival and he’s good with a bottle of pepper spray.
• Charlie Kelly – The Dayman himself. Charlie strikes me as more of a lover than a fighter, and by lover of course I mean stalker. He tends, also, to be more of a follower (stalker pun INtended) than a leader so it wouldn’t surprise me if he tries to cling on to someone bigger and stronger than himself.
• Marcia Brady - The All-American girl who made her sisters jealous and her brothers swoon. Since Greg Brady won’t be around to hint at any illicit love affairs, Marcia will have to pray that an impressionable young man will take her by the hand and protect her nose from any and all incoming doom.
• Horatio – Although there are more things in heaven and earth, than dreamt of in Horatio’s philosophy, he should still be a rational, competent player that…What’s that? Oh, Horatio from CSI: Miami, I see. Full disclosure, the Gamemakers placed Horatio into the Hunger Games to purely broaden the viewer demographic, and who can do that better than a pun-swinging, sunglass-wearing detective on a CBS procedural drama?
• Kate Austen – The Lost heroine. An intriguing character known for her uncanny ability to track people without any proper training as well as an innate ability to climb trees. If anything, look for her to play tributes against each other in an annoying love triangle.

 (Willy Loman - Featured Tribute)

LITERATURE DISTRICT – The Literature District will be mentored by Waldo of “Where’s Waldo?” fame. Waldo won the Games several years ago when, fortuitously, the Games were held in an arena designed to resemble a giant peppermint factory. Waldo simply disappeared. He was not found until he gave himself up shortly after all the final seven competitors (unable to track down Waldo after weeks of searching) took their own lives in frustration. Only then was Waldo ever spotted (even by the audience), as he came out of hiding to claim victory. Sticking his head out from behind a candy cane and waving, Waldo wore the same closed-mouthed, mild expression he entered the arena with as the announcer proclaimed him winner. Representing the Literature District will be:

• Willy Loman – Traveling salesman, adulterer and generally sad main character of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman…We might get to see a new interpretation of that play in the Games…
• Hester Prynne – (In Michael Buffer voice) Iconic protagonist of American literature, often imitated but never duplicated, known the world over by a single red letterrrrr, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hester “The Puritan Pariahhhhhhh” Paaaaarrrrrryyyyynnnneee!!! Another tough break for poor Hester. We’ll see if she casts a few stones herself or waits to be pushed. If she makes it to the latter part of the games I’d watch for her to team up.
• Harry Potter - YIKES, HP vs. Katniss…the final showdown. Unfortunately for Harry there is no magic in the Hunger Games (unless you count the magic of mortal combat) so we’ll get to see how much of a crutch that wand has become. Maybe a surprise sleeper pick here though, after all, he is “the boy who lived.”
• Yossarian - The bombardier stuck in a Catch-22 during WWII won’t be catching any breaks here in the arena, either. While the only way to get out of the army was by declaring himself insane (which in turn proved his sanity, thus keeping him in the army), the only way Yossarian will get out of the arena is ignoring any debilitating paradoxes…
• Boo Radley - More myth than man, not much can be said of this contestant.
• Helen of Troy – The face that launched a thousand ships. The famous beauty and lover of Paris. She should certainly get plenty of support from the sponsors but I would imagine her best strategy would be to use her looks to manipulate the competition or at the least to secure some protection from one of the stronger male players. By comparison, Marcia Brady now looks only slightly more appealing than Danny DeVito doing hot yoga. Unfortunately for Marcia Marcia Marcia, her “snag a protector” strategy (if that is her strategy…and it is) seems now less likely to succeed.
• Lennie Small – The dim yet faithful farmhand from Of Mice and Men. Although he may not willingly hurt a fly, Lenny’s propensity for crushing bunnies and ranch wives may actually come in handy in the arena. This is especially true if he realizes he is truly “livin’ on the fatta’ the lan’."
  

WILDCARD DISTRICT - Yes, there are three tributes taken from the Wildcard District, there are no rules as to where this fictional character originates. The tributes will be mentored by former wildcard victor, the Jolly Green Giant. The Giant was absolutely dominant in his Games, but he had no excuse not to be, he’s green and enormous. He ended up just playing with other tributes alternating between hiding from them or just seizing them and crushing them with his vegetable-powered vice grip. Representing the Wildcards will be:

• Super Mario - The tiny Italian plumber who vaulted himself to worldwide fame by rescuing the Princess and jumping on things. Unfortunately for Mario there are unlikely to be any size-enhancing mushrooms (besides, we all know Wonka is going straight for any mushrooms in the arena) and he certainly won’t have multiple lives…
• The Hamburglar – The enigmatic burger thief. The dossier on the Hamburglar is incredibly thin. Where have you been Hamburglar? Why is it that, seemingly, everyone knows about the Hamburglar and yet no one can actually recall how they know about him or when exactly they discovered him? He is as elusive as they come (doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page!!!). This much we do know: he wears a black and white jumpsuit, looooves hamburgers, and shows a certain disregard for property law. He is a wildcard in every sense of the word.
• Achilles – Well that’s unfortunate for everyone else. I’m not saying I’m ready to call this thing but I am saying that, barring a Woodsian meltdown, this competition is his to lose. I mean c’mon, its Achilles. On a side, note, the tension between Achilles and Helen of Troy may be an interesting sub-plot.
  

After the Reaping, here are the current Vegas odds:

1) Achilles - 1/3

2) Dalton - 10/1

3) Katniss - 20/1

4) Super Mario - 30/1

5) Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6) Nic Cage - 40/1

7) Willy Wonka – 60/1

8) Kate – 60/1

9) Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lenny – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24) Boo Radley - ?

Place your bets now, the action will commence in the next post...

Capricious Villains

I had an experience this morning that inspired me to write this post.  A very lovely girl walked up to the entrance of the coffee shop at the same time as I did.  Trying to avoid the inevitably awkward "who goes first?" move, I quickly rushed ahead and held the door open for her.  She gave me a beautiful, beaming smile and thanked me as I followed her inside.  (What can I say, my mom taught me right).  Inside the coffee shop, however, her beautiful, beaming smile turned into a terrifying scowl.  She proceeded to berate the barista for not making her latte hot enough and refused to let it go.  It got to the point that several people had to tell the girl to calm down, which only seemed to set her off more.

While my judgment of her could be completely based off of one bad day and she could very much be the lovely girl I initially assumed, her fate as a villain was sealed in my book at that moment.  Almost immediately she inspired me to consider characters that appear harmless on first appearance that ultimately turn out to be menaces.  What can I say, my mind rambles.


5. Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear, Toy Story 3

Lost in all the men-crying-in-the-theater nostalgia of this movie was, frankly, how big of a bastard Lotso was in Toy Story 3.  He made that baby doll cry, nearly got Woody and the gang  eviscerated by ravenous children, and almost turned the timeless Ken-and-Barbie relationship upside down.  (How would I have hope for a meaningful relationship if Ken and Barbie couldn't even work it out?)  His cane and grandfather-like demeanor was in stark contrast to his impending darkness.  He does get some style points for his over-the-top selfishness when he refused to save the toys from the incinerator, creating one of the most heartfelt and surprisingly dark scenes in Pixar history.

4. The Klopeks, The 'Burbs

When you think of Tom Hanks' movie career, you inevitably think about Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Saving Private Ryan, etc.  However, the movie that I will always love most is The 'Burbs.  Check it out sometime.  Fuss is made throughout the movie about the mysterious nature of Hanks and Princess Leia's next door neighbors, the Klopeks.  From their reclusive nature to their ominous hole digging in the rain, the neighbors come to the conclusion that they're up to something evil.  Yet when they finally meet, the Klopeks appear to be harmless (if not creepy and socially awkward).  But are they...?  Or are Hanks and his friends the evil ones? (I'm assuming I'm one of about 5 people my age who have actually seen this movie, so I won't spoil the awesomeness except to say, "Hey Pinocchio, where you going??")

3. The Convenience Store Characters, Cabin Fever

This movie took some very interesting turns.  At the beginning of the movie when the main characters were shopping in the store, the owner calmly asked the guy who stole the candy bar to return it without any problems.  The old guy with the beard did seem to be incredibly racist, so the convenience store people didn't get off crystal clean.  Then, this incredibly over-the-top-yet-tastefully-and-credibly-crafted-scene happened, and all hell broke loose.  The unassuming clerk went crazy and hunted the teens, Most Dangerous Game-style.  The only redeeming factor at the end of the movie for the convenience store was that the old man with the beard appeared to be slightly less racist than we first thought...


2. Alex and his gang, A Clockwork Orange

Alex and his gang don't look like much in the above picture, what with their Quailman-inspired outer-underwear.  However, within the first thirty minutes there are several inexplicable beatings, rapings, and spiked-milk chuggings...things that Quailman never would have stood for.  What's also surprising is Alex's stark contrast between his gang and his family.  To the gang, he was their leader with an affection for crime and Beethoven; his family, just a young teen who faked sick one-too-many times.  Even the government attempting to cure Alex via brainwashing couldn't stop his inner demons and proved once and for all that dystopian teens are doomed.

1. Brad Wesley, Road House

Brad Wesley's motives were one of the many unreasonable storylines in what has become my favorite movie of all-time.  An incredibly rich man living in a lawless town who decides it's in his best financial interest to steal from the many blue-collar citizens who inhabit it.  Wesley loved power...but not as much as he loved the unrealistically beautiful women of Jasper or hiring his hilarious henchmen.  His docile demeanor throughout most of the movie only exacerbates the plot.  Why does such a seemingly gentle man have so much hatrid for everyone in town?  And where are all the police officers while his henchmen run twenty-foot tires through car dealerships and explode barns and mechanic shops?  Brad Wesley don't care, he do what he wants.  He's relentless.

-PB

Glory Road House

Last Friday I received my Aggie Ring.  For those of you not familiar with Texas A&M tradition, it is a milestone and it signifies the looming end to the college undergrad experience.  (I'm sure it means more than that, but I am a 2%er.)  After three schools in four years, I truly cannot be more blessed that I am able to wear it and that I am on track to graduate on time in May 2011.  However, graduation has taken a seat on the back burner a bit to one last hurrah with the sport I've always loved.  To top it off, I've found myself trying to live up to my dad's 1960's intramural basketball fame with a team named after a classic '80s movie starring my mom's old boyfriend.  What does it all mean?  I'm not sure, but I feel like there's a story here.

Road House
 (Crouching From Left: Cam Glass, Chris Selle

Semi-Crouching Like a Fool: Ryan Smith

Back From Left: Ken Baer, Joe Bailey, David Hall, Sam Brenner, Tyler Whittington)

Basketball has been in my blood ever since I saw Hakeem and the Rockets take out Ewing and the Knicks for the '94 championship when I was less than six years old.  Granted, I was too young to really know what was going on (I am pretty sure I spent most of the game playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2), but that didn't stop me from going out to Dillard's with my family the morning after to pick up a hilariously over-sized championship shirt.  After my parents got me a basketball hoop the following Christmas and Houston repeated the following season as NBA champions,  my life and basketball were destined to intertwine.  As I briefly mentioned in an earlier post, I used to cry every single time the Houston Rockets lost from about age seven to nine.  What can I say, I've always been a pretty passionate guy.  (I still hate you, Utah Jazz and Derek Fisher.) Basketball was the common factor with all of my friends growing up as well as over half of my game when it came to impressing girls (which still probably put me at a disadvantage). 

In high school I was lucky enough to be named on the All-District and All-County team my junior year, despite being a key part to a terrible team.  A team so terrible, in fact, that the coaches began to hype up kids the next season that weren't even old enough to take high school algebra yet.  Nearly overnight, I went from team MVP to team scrub, and if TLC taught me anything, I was a "guy that couldn't get no love" from anyone.  So what did I do?  If you read my last post, you can probably guess that I played the tragic hero card and stubbornly quit the team rather than be a drone on the bench.  I lost a lot of love for basketball after that.  I barely played my first two years in college.

Arriving in College Station changed all of that.  It was here that I reconnected with an old friend from high school named Ken Baer.  Ken played with me growing up, but it wasn't until he started doing Aggie yells that he had a ridiculous growth spurt that transformed him from a 5'10'' undersized post to a 6'5'' behemoth down low.  He introduced me to Tyler Whittington and Cam Glass, two guys from his organization One Army, and together we formed a very formidable quartet our junior year.  After spending most of the summer playing basketball with Ty and Cam (not to mention watching the 2010 NBA Finals together with the aid of some Beach Bums), we had more team chemistry than the characters from Weird Science.  For the first time in years, it was actually fun to play basketball. 


"The Rule of Three": I learned early at Texas A&M  that you should never attempt to play pickup basketball unless you have at group of at least three players with you.  There are too many selfish ballers out there and anything less than three will leave you feeling bitter and angry.  With three, you can monopolize the team to your liking.  (And that, my friends, does not make me a selfish baller.)

Ronnie "Red" Smith and the "Junior Farcity"

(This picture, amazing on so many levels, still hangs in Gregory Gym at the University of Texas.  My dad is second from right in the back.)

My dad may be the greatest storyteller that I know.  Ever since I was a kid, he has told me the story of his intramural basketball team at the University of Texas, creatively named the Junior Farcity (The team was named after his friend claimed "it would be a farce if we won the whole thing!" Hearing that only confirms my suspicions that I am living in the wrong era).  The team went on to have some miraculous feats, including being the first team in UT intramural history to score 100 pts in a game against the likes of Elgin Taylor and Little Kenny Ferguson.  They made it to the championship game as a motley crew of freshmen.  These stories have stayed with me my entire life and subconsciously I always knew I wanted to try and match him.  However, it wasn't until my senior year before I finally was able to assemble the team to take on the new generation of Little Kenny Fergusons.

The Team: Road House

As I mentioned before, my mom dated Patrick Swayze when she was young.  They even went to prom together, not to mention the University of Houston.  It's always fun watching people's reactions when I reveal this information, but truthfully I really have no interest in the situation; my dad is much cooler (not to mention much more alive) and he doesn't have to rip out a guy's throat or become a ghost to prove it.  My mom could not have picked a better husband.  That being said, Road House is an incredible movie and a well-deserved moniker for the greatest team I have ever played on.

The roster:

-Cam "The Little General" Glass - Road House's Kyle Lowry. Also known as The Post Up King.
-Tyler "The False Prophet" Whittington - The heart and soul of the team. A complete glue guy, does everything it takes to win.
-Ken "Papa" Baer - The man in the middle.  May have the coolest post passes I have ever seen. 
-Sam "Slytherin" Brenner - The wildcard.  Mysteriously drains dagger 3s. 
-Chris "Swat Team" Selle  - the lockdown defender.  In the words of T.Whitt-"A high school coach's wet dream." 
-Joe "Houdini" Bailey - My roommate at The Orchid.  Has a sick running jumper.
-David "Detention" Hall - an unsung hero (partially bc he missed a few games), can do a little bit of everything.
-Ryan Smith - I'd like to consider myself a much more selfish, much more turnover-prone intramural version of Steve Nash. I don't know...just don't call me Matt Maloney.

What else is needed? Sometimes a little extra help from the worst pair of basketball shoes in history doesn't hurt.


The Kicks: The Gentleman's Starbury

 I am a fairly superstitious guy.  Mainly on stupid things.  For instance, I recently tricked a pretty legit girl into being interested in me.  When I first met her I was wearing glasses and had a decent amount of facial hair.  For some ridiculous reason, I refused to be clean shaven or cut my hair while we were hanging out.  I even went out of the way to wear my ridiculously dorky glasses for a while until she said something nice about my eyes.  What the hell is wrong with me?  (Things did start to unravel almost immediately after I cut my hair and went clean shaven, so maybe I'm not crazy.  But I wouldn't put money on that.  Then again, I was the only that was really cared about anything, so that may have played a small part.)
   Anyways, back to the Starburys.  If you don't know anything about the maker of the shoes, Stephon Marbury, this next sentence will sum him up:  He tattooed his logo onto the side of his head, was paid over $20 million to stay away from his team, and ate Vasoline on a 24/7 webcam show he put online.  Hilariously psychotic.  So of course my Oklahoma roommate and friend Cale bought a pair on Amazon for $12 and somehow ended up with two extra pairs a few years back.  It was like he drew a Monopoly community chest and had a bank error in his favor, except this was "Ridiculous-Amazon-User-Selling-Mass-Amounts-of-Starburys-Error in your favor."  He handed me a free pair and I never looked back.
   Okay, maybe that is a slight lie: I did buy a pair that were better (the inside souls to the Starburys eroded over a year ago), but I ended up wearing the Starburys for the first game this season as a joke.  After a miraculous comeback win where I drained a few clutch long-range 3s, the superstitious side in me decided to ride the Starburys till the end, no shoe souls included.  In the least, they are a great conversation piece on the court.
"Hey, look at Captain America over there." (I've heard this on more than one occasion, said to me both jokingly and hatefully.)

The Last Stand
The next part of the story should be the part where we heroically run the tables on the rest of the students at Texas A&M, the part where you are given fulfillment on reading this far into an overall ridiculous post.  It's the part where I finally can hang my hat on advancing past the Junior Farcity and live the rest of my life in the glory of knowing we were the best.  However, it didn't happen.  Like many other things in my life, Road House ended in complicated heartbreak.  However, we did not go quietly into the night.

After rolling through the first four months of the season rather painlessly, beating teams like "Trees & Threes", "White & Slow", "The Nerdlocks" and "Erf, Wind, and Fire", we found ourselves in the Final Four.  We were set to play "Beer 30", and it was clear from the start that the two superior teams in the league were playing a game too early.  Led by two talented guards, Beer 30 led the game by 7 with 2:30 left in the game.  Never knowing a shot I didn't like (something that had hurt us for much of the game), I drained two 3s back to back to put us down 1.  On the second shot, the painfully inexperienced referee crew called a foul on the other team underneath the basket as the ball went through the hoop.  Now, most of the players were aware that the rule is an "And 1" for our player who was fouled.  However, the painfully inexperienced crew decided that with 2 minutes left in the game and with momentum on our side that they should hold the game up for literally ten minutes while they looked to the rulebook for the correct answer.

Ten minutes pass and one referee awards our team the free throw, which we make to tie the game.  However, he is overruled by the other painfully inexperienced referees who are not ready to call it official.  A few more minutes pass and the ruling is confirmed.  By then our team has as much momentum as Vanilla Ice had with the rest of his career after Ice, Ice, Baby died out.  After our first made free throw is called off, we miss our second chance, keeping us down 1.  With one minute left we are forced to foul, putting us down 3.  After Selle comes up with a huge "And 1" with 30 seconds left, we are tied.  We lock down their two best players, leaving the ball in the hands of a player who hadn't scored all game.  He pulls up inside the three-point line and drains a jumper at the buzzer.  Road House dies.  Beer 30 goes on to win the championship in a much easier game, and I experience another tragic ending to something I care a little too much about.

The End

It dawned on me that this may be the last time I would be playing for something that meant anything, albeit something small.  No more community league games where I can end the season by taking home cheap trophies, no more games where my roommates and I can half-jokingly draw out the tournament on a blackboard, no more games where I can legitimately get away with writing such an unnecessarily drawn out post.  This was it.  I can always play in adult league games, but that's not the same.  Graduation is in less than a month and after that there won't be time for me to call up my friends and ask them to meet me at the Rec Center on a Tuesday afternoon.  I think I am more disappointed in the idea that my basketball career may finally be over than I am that I won't be able to live the life of a college student anymore.

Picking up my Aggie Ring

(Ken, T.Whitt's thumb, my brother-in-law George, Joe, me, my dad, my mom, as well as my nieces in nephew in the front)
(Me, my sister, and Hudson)

However, what's important to me is the relationships I've been blessed with from the game of basketball.  Several players on Road House will be my lifelong friends and although we may not have the chance to meet up and play any time we want like we used to, the knowledge that I've made friends with upstanding people is the most important thing to me; much more important than that elusive championship.  As for Road House vs. Junior Farcity, we'll never know who was truly better.  I feel pretty comfortable taking it to my grave that we would have taken them out, just as my dad would probably say the same.  At the end of the day, though, I am truly grateful for my family and friends.  It makes things like receiving my Aggie Ring that much more special.

So thanks, guys.  Road House.

-PB (thanks to my brother Denver for the song)