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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part VII)


See part:
1
2
3
4
5
6

Really, Really, Ridiculously Good Looking




Deep in the woods of the Fictional Character Hunger Games arena, Helen of Troy walks gracefully along a small, slowly moving stream.  It’s mid-afternoon on the second day of the Games and the sun has just sunk below the tops of the tall trees that run along the stream.  Sunlight flickers through the branches, catching Helen’s long golden hair, creating a sparkling effect that gloriously frames her calm countenance. 

It had been a relatively uneventful first twenty-four hours in the arena for Helen.  After stepping elegantly off her pedestal at the sound of the horn, she began to gather food, blankets and water bottles from the collection of survival items and weapons surrounding the Cornucopia.  She had, of course, thoughtfully considered her strategic options prior to the Games.   Her initial plan, obviously, was to intoxicate the most fearsome warrior among the Tributes with her beauty and convince him to protect her.  Things became more complicated, however, the minute Achilles was announced as a Wildcard Tribute.  Here was the ultimate protector.  She had seen him slay mighty Hector, knew of his tremendous skills on the battlefield…he was the ideal target.  Paradoxically, he was also the worst potential target.  What were the chances that a man-slaughtering war machine would be chosen as a Tribute and, that that very same warrior would be one of the few men in the history of fictional characters on whom Helen’s charm may not work!  There was too much history between the two and, besides, Achilles was moody and unpredictable, there was no way to predict how their past would affect him.  In the end, Helen decided that, rather than find a protector, she would simply avoid the women in the arena and rely on the fact that, protector or no, no male tribute could bring himself to hurt her.  Even Achilles, she thought, though he may not protect me, would not be able to harm a creature so beautiful as I.  She would then be able to simply wait the rest out.  So, after gathering supplies and carefully avoiding attacks from the female tributes, Helen retreated into the woods. 

There had been only one moment, near the Cornucopia, when she had needed to resort to manipulation.  A man with a mustard-yellow shirt and glasses had approached her from behind, wielding a set of ninja stars.  She was just able to turn around before he sent one flying at her.  “Oh, hello,” Helen said with a sophisticated femininity that made every other woman Dwight Schrute had ever heard speak sound like a chain-smoking trucker.  “Oh, uh…hello,” Dwight said dumbly, dropping his poised ninja-star-throwing hand and proceeding to simply stare awkwardly at the angel before him.   He stood there for a moment in awe of the embodiment of physical beauty smiling back at him before she politely said, “well, I have to go now.  Goodbye.”  “G’bye” he murmured as she turned and headed towards the woods.  But the rest of the first day and night were peaceful for Helen.  And now, after a good night’s rest, she’s wandering along the water, pondering how best to catch a fish.



Further down the stream, Katniss is hunting.  She hasn’t seen anyone since that bizarre encounter with the Hamburglar.  She treads quietly along the edge of the stream, eyes and ears waiting for any sign of an animal coming to drink.  Suddenly, she hears noise from the woods next to her.  Whipping around, she immediately has an arrow trained directly at the head of…a man.  Who is this? Katniss thinks.  She doesn’t recognize him.  He emerges from the woods as Katniss remains still, her arrow still directed for a kill shot.  He stops just where the vegetation clears, twenty feet from her.  He’s wearing a suit?!  He’s wearing a suit in the arena!? Katniss thinks to herself, dumbfounded, but a small voice inside her heard pipes up, and he’s pulling it off!  It was true; the man didn’t look unnatural in a full, three-piece suit.  In fact, it would almost seem more bizarre were not so immaculately dressed. “Hey Katniss,” says the man, in a voice more soulful than anything Katniss had ever heard.  “Who are you?”  Katniss calls back aggressively.  “You know what I like about you, Katniss?” the man continues, now moving slowly but casually toward her, “it’s not that you’re smart, even though were too clever for the Capitol.”  He doesn’t take his eyes off her as he moves closer, his gait relaxed, confident but measured.  “And it’s not that you’re kind, even though you take care of you’re family back home.”  He’s now five feet from her.  Katniss still has the bow pulled taut but she finds herself more focused on the man’s dark eyes and the trace of a grin he wears as he speaks.  “And it’s not that, even in the arena, in the woods, without a mirror in sight, you’re still…beautiful,” Katniss blushes noticeably but he continues, moving closer and closer still.  “What I like about you is that you’re strong.  You don’t let anyone change you…not that I see any reason they should want to.”  Like awaking from a dream, Katniss realizes the man is a mere foot from her, she tries to shake herself back to complete sobriety but he stares down at her and she’s mesmerized.   I’m Stefan Urquelle.  So what do you say, girl, you wanna team up with me?”  Katniss feels herself nodding, unaware that her bow has fallen to her side.  She feels drugged and can only focus on Stefan’s proximity and intense gaze.  Within minutes they are walking, silently, alongside the stream, her hand in the crook of his arm, any thought of Peeta or Gale replaced by a dreamy voice inside her head saying over and over again, “Katniss Urquelle, Katniss Urquelle...” 



After meandering along the water blissfully, Katniss is suddenly propelled back into reality as the couple come upon another tribute, a woman, a hundred yards ahead.  Immediately, Katniss has released Stefan’s arm and is looking down the shaft of an arrow aimed at the woman ahead.  “No,” says Stefan gently but urgently as he puts his hand on her arm, beckoning her to lower the weapon, “I’ll take care of this.”  Without questioning, Katniss obeys.  Stefan acknowledges the acquiescence, softly tucking her hair behind her ear before he begins to walk toward the woman.  Time to go to work, Stefan thinks to himself as he begins to exaggerate his rhythmic strut.  Like the Pied Piper, he’ll play his tune (it would, of course, be a slow jam) and they’ll follow blindly.  This is how he’ll escape the Arena.  He’ll soon have an army of adoring female tributes ready to fight for him.  The woman he’s approaching has not taken notice of Katniss or Stefan yet and is facing the other direction.  This girl might be cute, thinks Stefan, she looks pretty good from here.  I wonder if it’s that Helen girl, I never got a good look at her before the games but everyone seemed to be talking about her, might have to pull out the big guns… 

As Stefan approaches, Helen readies herself.  She heard his footsteps several seconds ago, recognizing the heavy treading as that of a man.  On three, she thinks as she prepares herself to stun her stalker.  One, two, three… Helen turns around quickly, her golden hair whipping through the air, seemingly in slow motion, and she gives her best doe-eyed look to the man now she now faces. 

Though silent, a small shock-wave races out in all directions from what appears to be it’s epicenter…the pair of perfect physical specimen looking each other directly in the eye.  Twenty feet away Katniss is nearly knocked to her feet.  Regaining her balance, she can only watch the scene in front of her, awestruck, her mind trying in vain to grasp the nature of the powerful forces at work.  It’s a seduction stalemate!  An immovable object of hotness has finally met an unstoppable force of suave!

Both Stefan and Helen recoil slightly at first, each momentarily stunned by the physical beauty of the other, simultaneously recognizing their counterpart in the eyes looking back at them.  But quickly, like the wooers they were created to be, they are back to the task at hand.  Helen bats her eyes, her long eyelashes fluttering.  Stefan squints his eyes at Helen, nods his head slowly and bites his bottom lip.  It’s like two prize fighters, both at the top of their game, meeting center-ring…and the bell has rung.  They begin circling each other, ten feet apart.  Stefan takes off his suit jacket and loosens his tie, Helen responds by removing the coat she found at the Cornucopia, now wearing only a toga.  Anticipating each other’s next move, both begin speaking at exactly the same time.  “Hey, girl.  I’m Stefan” Stefan says, pouring into each syllable as much swag as it can hold.  But it can barely be heard over Helen’s melodic, smiling, “I’m Helen, Helen of Troy.”  Both slightly stunned by the traded punches, they stop circling and begin moving towards each other, slowly.  Now inches apart, Stefan makes the first move, reaching out and sweeping Helen’s golden bangs away from her forehead.  The stakes have been raised.  Helen counters, looking shyly at the ground then grinning up at Stefan, making her eyes as large as possible, opening and closing her eyelids slowly.  Stefan winces slightly and Helen smells blood.  Still smiling up at him, she goes to put her hand on his arm but before she can get there Stefan makes an inspired move.  I’ve been really tryiiiiiinnggg, baby… tryin’ to hold back this feeeeeling, for sooooo loooong…” he begins to sing in a soft, smoky voice.  Helen, coming from a world of romantic lute-playing and harp-strumming, unacquainted with the lyrical and melodic potency of Marvin Gaye, is unprepared for this.  She begins to swoon. 

Got her! Stefan thinks, just now reaching the chorus, time to go for the gusto… this ends now.  Simultaneously, Helen is fighting to stay alive but fading fast.  This battle will not be won by mere posturing, she thinks to herself, the man’s siren call has weakened me; there is now only one course of action.  No man has kissed the lips of Helen of Troy and failed to fall deeply in love… And quickly both go in for the kill shot at the same time. 

Katniss wakes up, groggy and in pain.  Her whole body feels bruised and she can’t remember where she is.  She’s lying next to the stream and as she examines her surroundings she begins to remember.  She was watching, dumbfounded, as Helen and Stefan were embroiled in an epic battle of woo worthy of Homer himself. When, suddenly, just as their lips met, a blinding light rushed out and Katniss was knocked off her feet, the concussion of what seemed like a bomb detonating throwing her through the air.  Slowly, now, she moves over to where Helen and Stefan had been.  There is no one in sight.  She looks around at the soil near the stream where they had stood.  There’s a large black burn mark in a circular shape.  Could they have just combusted? Katniss asks herself, feeling foolish once the question formulates fully in her mind.  She stands there, still shocked.  Maybe the powers of attraction at work were simply too much, too near each other?  Like two potent chemicals that should never be mixed.  She had already seen a man simply disappear into thin air, could it be, now, that two people had been incinerated in an explosion that came as a result of heretofore unseen levels of attractiveness and seduction being directed at each other?  This is a weird Hunger Games, Katniss thinks to herself…

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION:  HELEN OF TROY AND STEVE URKEL/STEFAN URQUELLE

1)      Achilles - 1/3
2)      Dalton - 10/1
3)      Katniss - 20/1
4)      Super Mario - 30/1
5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1
6)      Nic Cage - 40/1
7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1
8)      Kate Austen– 60/1
9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1
10)  Horatio – 75/1
11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1
12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1
13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1
14)  Yossarian – 90/1
15)  Harry Potter – 100/1
16)  Lennie – 120/1
17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1
18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1
19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1
20)  Willy Loman – 400/1
21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1
22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1
23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1
24)  Boo Radley - ? 






1 comment:

  1. Um, that's the weirdest thing I've ever read. Not to say it's not the most Interesting weirdest thing I've ever read. but I can't help but to sit here dumbfounded thinking 'WTF did I just read.'

    ReplyDelete