Welcome to the First Annual Fictional Hunger Games, brought to you by Ryan and myself. We will be acting as both the Gamemakers and the Capitol. Allow me to explain what we’ve got goin’ on here. Seven tributes each will be taken from three different districts representing Movies, Television and Literature, with three more coming from our “wildcard” tributes. They will, obviously, fight to the death in the arena of my mind. Ry and I will take turn narrating. Let’s begin by introducing our randomly selected tributes!
(Willy Wonka - Featured Tribute)
MOVIE DISTRICT - The Movie District will be mentored by widely-claimed awesome dude, John McClain of Die Hard fame. This group should be well-prepared to deliver fantastic post-killing one-liners. McClain became a Hunger Games sensation when he dominated the competition last year. Representing the Movie District will be:
- Rudy Ruettiger – The famous try-hard and titular character in the movie, Rudy. This should be interesting; he’s clearly determined and tough but he’ll have to watch out for more than a pulling left guard in these games.
- Adrian Balboa - The worst female character in any move, ever. I anticipate that she’ll be largely negative, whiny and will probably drag one of the male favorites down. She may even squeeze in a classic “You can’t win!!” Everyone aim for Adrian (I’ll try to be an unbiased commentator but for AB I’m making an exception).
- Kevin McCallister - This is an interesting entry. He’s small and a child but you can’t say he’s unprepared. This precocious victim of chronic parental neglect is very resourceful has defended him house before.
- Katniss Everdeen - Wow, this poor girl can’t catch a break. She should, however, be a real contender. Her hunting skills and experience in the Games will make surely make her one of the early favorites. (Reminder, this is Katniss from the movie not from the book, no “Catching Fire” influence here. Also, as it is the movie-Katniss, feel free to picture Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, I know I will…)
- Dalton - You may remember this classic Swayze character as a philosophical bouncer with a penchant for ripping out throats and a heart of gold. He has a distinct advantage of being an enlightened drifter, and if that doesn't sell you, his boastful claim of "Pain don't hurt" will, though his downfall could be a pretty young blonde or a loveable loser (Ryan included this to imply Dalton's inevitable pairing with Marcia Brady and Charlie Kelly. More on them below.)
- Willy Wonka – The Candy Man can? We’ll see…The tables will be somewhat turned on Wonka, who infamously subjected a group of unlucky (but admittedly awful) children to a contest-tour through the sadistic house of horrors he calls a chocolate factory. Certainly these games will be quite the departure from Wonka’s own, undoubtedly acid-influenced, “contest.” This time he will NOT be the master of puppets and there will be no little orange people sing-songing ethical warnings while contestants exit the arena but rather the cold steel of a body-retrieving hover craft and an unceremonious canon blast to announce your “exit” from the games.
- Nicholas Cage – A shocker, a true shocker. Apparently Nic Cage has done so many unremarkable movies lately that he himself has become a fictional character. This “Nic Cage” tribute will likely be some strange amalgam of many of Nic Cage’s recent roles as well as his seemingly fictional real life. He may be a tough competitor though, as he’ll likely bring motor-cycle stunts and an encyclopedic knowledge of American history to the table. Also, he may be a vampire and therefore un-killable, so this must at least be taken into consideration. It’ll be interesting to see what the Vegas odds-makers make of this unexpected and unprecedented entry.
(Miss Piggy - Featured Tribute)
TELEVISION DISTRICT - Mentored by the ever-soothing (apparently not a real-life sniper, though I remain unconvinced) personality of Mr. Rogers himself. Mr. Rogers had a remarkable and frankly unsettling showing in the games a couple of years ago when he lulled everyone into a false sense of security with his warm tone, slow speech and knitwear… he then proceeded to NOT be very neighborly. Representing the Television District will be:
- Steve Urkel - This looks like an early exit unless Steve can somehow find a way put his science skills to work. Piercing nasally voices and clumsiness do not typically fare well in the games.
- Miss Piggy - The Muppet queen. She’s belligerent, she loves Kermit the Frog, you all know and love her. Well, you all know her at least. Piggy may end up being a force in the arena; she is low to the ground but she’s got some weight to throw around and she's proven on countless occasions that she’s not to be messed with when her fury has been aroused.
- Dwight Schrute - Here is a true competitor and a serious contender. Although he did lose a hand-to-hand battle with Michael Scott, he has no scruples when it comes to survival and he’s good with a bottle of pepper spray.
- Charlie Kelly – The Dayman himself. Charlie strikes me as more of a lover than a fighter, and by lover of course I mean stalker. He tends, also, to be more of a follower (stalker pun INtended) than a leader so it wouldn’t surprise me if he tries to cling on to someone bigger and stronger than himself.
- Marcia Brady - The All-American girl who made her sisters jealous and her brothers swoon. Since Greg Brady won’t be around to hint at any illicit love affairs, Marcia will have to pray that an impressionable young man will take her by the hand and protect her nose from any and all incoming doom.
- Horatio – Although there are more things in heaven and earth, than dreamt of in Horatio’s philosophy, he should still be a rational, competent player that…What’s that? Oh, Horatio from CSI: Miami, I see. Full disclosure, the Gamemakers placed Horatio into the Hunger Games to purely broaden the viewer demographic, and who can do that better than a pun-swinging, sunglass-wearing detective on a CBS procedural drama?
- Kate Austen – The Lost heroine. An intriguing character known for her uncanny ability to track people without any proper training as well as an innate ability to climb trees. If anything, look for her to play tributes against each other in an annoying love triangle.
(Willy Loman - Featured Tribute)
LITERATURE DISTRICT – The Literature District will be mentored by Waldo of “Where’s Waldo?” fame. Waldo won the Games several years ago when, fortuitously, the Games were held in an arena designed to resemble a giant peppermint factory. Waldo simply disappeared. He was not found until he gave himself up shortly after all the final seven competitors (unable to track down Waldo after weeks of searching) took their own lives in frustration. Only then was Waldo ever spotted (even by the audience), as he came out of hiding to claim victory. Sticking his head out from behind a candy cane and waving, Waldo wore the same closed-mouthed, mild expression he entered the arena with as the announcer proclaimed him winner. Representing the Literature District will be:
- Willy Loman – Traveling salesman, adulterer and generally sad main character of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman…We might get to see a new interpretation of that play in the Games…
- Hester Prynne – (In Michael Buffer voice) Iconic protagonist of American literature, often imitated but never duplicated, known the world over by a single red letterrrrr, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hester “The Puritan Pariahhhhhhh” Paaaaarrrrrryyyyynnnneee!!! Another tough break for poor Hester. We’ll see if she casts a few stones herself or waits to be pushed. If she makes it to the latter part of the games I’d watch for her to team up.
- Harry Potter - YIKES, HP vs. Katniss…the final showdown. Unfortunately for Harry there is no magic in the Hunger Games (unless you count the magic of mortal combat) so we’ll get to see how much of a crutch that wand has become. Maybe a surprise sleeper pick here though, after all, he is “the boy who lived.”
- Yossarian - The bombardier stuck in a Catch-22 during WWII won’t be catching any breaks here in the arena, either. While the only way to get out of the army was by declaring himself insane (which in turn proved his sanity, thus keeping him in the army), the only way Yossarian will get out of the arena is ignoring any debilitating paradoxes…
- Boo Radley - More myth than man, not much can be said of this contestant.
- Helen of Troy – The face that launched a thousand ships. The famous beauty and lover of Paris. She should certainly get plenty of support from the sponsors but I would imagine her best strategy would be to use her looks to manipulate the competition or at the least to secure some protection from one of the stronger male players. By comparison, Marcia Brady now looks only slightly more appealing than Danny DeVito doing hot yoga. Unfortunately for Marcia Marcia Marcia, her “snag a protector” strategy (if that is her strategy…and it is) seems now less likely to succeed.
- Lennie Small – The dim yet faithful farmhand from Of Mice and Men. Although he may not willingly hurt a fly, Lenny’s propensity for crushing bunnies and ranch wives may actually come in handy in the arena. This is especially true if he realizes he is truly “livin’ on the fatta’ the lan’."
WILDCARD DISTRICT - Yes, there are three tributes taken from the Wildcard District, there are no rules as to where this fictional character originates. The tributes will be mentored by former wildcard victor, the Jolly Green Giant. The Giant was absolutely dominant in his Games, but he had no excuse not to be, he’s green and enormous. He ended up just playing with other tributes alternating between hiding from them or just seizing them and crushing them with his vegetable-powered vice grip. Representing the Wildcards will be:
- Super Mario - The tiny Italian plumber who vaulted himself to worldwide fame by rescuing the Princess and jumping on things. Unfortunately for Mario there are unlikely to be any size-enhancing mushrooms (besides, we all know Wonka is going straight for any mushrooms in the arena) and he certainly won’t have multiple lives…
- The Hamburglar – The enigmatic burger thief. The dossier on the Hamburglar is incredibly thin. Where have you been Hamburglar? Why is it that, seemingly, everyone knows about the Hamburglar and yet no one can actually recall how they know about him or when exactly they discovered him? He is as elusive as they come (doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page!!!). This much we do know: he wears a black and white jumpsuit, looooves hamburgers, and shows a certain disregard for property law. He is a wildcard in every sense of the word.
- Achilles – Well that’s unfortunate for everyone else. I’m not saying I’m ready to call this thing but I am saying that, barring a Woodsian meltdown, this competition is his to lose. I mean c’mon, its Achilles. On a side, note, the tension between Achilles and Helen of Troy may be an interesting sub-plot.
After the Reaping, here are the current Vegas odds:
1) Achilles - 1/3
2) Dalton - 10/1
3) Katniss - 20/1
4) Super Mario - 30/1
5) Dwight Schrute - 35/1
6) Nic Cage - 40/1
7) Willy Wonka – 60/1
8) Kate – 60/1
9) Kevin McCallister – 75/1
10) Horatio – 75/1
11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1
12) Helen of Troy - 90/1
13) The Hamburglar – 90/1
14) Yossarian – 90/1
15) Harry Potter – 100/1
16) Lenny – 120/1
17) Steve Urkel – 200/1
18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1
19) Marcia Brady – 300/1
20) Willy Loman – 400/1
21) Hester Prynne – 600/1
22) Miss Piggy – 800/1
23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1
24) Boo Radley - ?
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