Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part IX)

 

 

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

 

To Kill a Love Triangle

 

The night is dark and Kevin McCallister is hard at work.  He has been avoiding confrontation as much as possible during the Games; partly because he has spent most of his time shooting toy soldiers with his BB gun, but mostly because deep down he knows his moment to shine is yet to come.  He waits patiently for the climax of the competition, much like he waited until the end of Home Alone to depose of Harry and Marv. 

 

And those guys were a lot scarier than these MORONS, he thinks to himself as he recollects his victorious encounter with Wonka.  He ties a rope to the trigger of his BB gun and creatively wraps the other end to a lowrising branch.  If someone walks by at night, they will undoubtedly hit the branch and get shot by the BB, he concludes.  He takes comfort knowing that if that doesn't work, he still has the various paint cans, micromachines, and blowtorches that sponsors have sent him.  Kevin has the distinct advantage of being the only remaining kid in the competition, bringing a slew of various items to cause malaise from sympathizing sponsors.

 

As Kevin works meticulously at hiding nails face-up in the grass, he hears bristling in the woods.  Chills run down his spine faster than a New York minute.

 

Could it be him?

 

Very early in the competition Kevin was cavalier towards his opponents.  Not many looked formidable; the only one who was, Achilles, was taken out by a man who the Wet Bandits themselves would scoff at.  That was until the giant, pale man who lurked in the shadows began to haunt his dreams.  He had only seen him twice so far, but both encounters proved to be more frightening than the next.  

 

The first time Kevin was setting a trap for the Hamburglar.  A sponsor had sent a burger from the sky, no doubt to assuage any fears that the Hamburglar had about not having any inside the arena.  However, Kevin slyly picked it up and began to set a trap for his striped foe.  By placing the burger on top of a pit, he planned to catch his first victim.  He watched from a distance as the Hamburglar spoke to Katniss, believing it was only a matter of time before his opponent noticed the burger and lost all reason.  Kevin was giddy in that almost-but-not-quite-sociopathic way of his that was only revealed when he had to protect his house or when Elijah Wood came to visit.  That was until the monster man, who never said a word, revealed himself from behind a brush.  His placid demeanor terrified young Kevin and he scrambled away into the woods, screaming the entire way.  He didn't know what happened to the burger, but he believed the man had something to do with the Hamburglar's face being shown as a fallen tribute in the sky that night.

 

The next time he saw the mysterious man was much quicker yet even more terrifying.  Kevin had found himself in a tree when Super Mario began to trip on mushrooms.  Kevin, a master of all things Mario due to his incessant love for Gameboy, eagerly placed the mushroom around the plumber after he heard Mario's joyous laughter.  Mario quickly took the bait and his reaction to the psychedelic drug was almost instant.  He watched with amusement as Mario crouched down and then launched himself in the air, believing he was actually growing.  After throwing imaginary fireballs into the air, Mario ran full-speed into the woods and directly into the pale man, who stood stoic by a tree.

 

"Donkey Kong.  Is that you?" Mario asked hysterically.  The man didn't answer, but continued to stare with dead eyes.  "Let's go Kong! Time to save the Princess! Ya ha!"  Mario ran sluggishly ahead, leaving behind the towering ghost.  The man turned his head upwards, noticing Kevin in the tree immediately. 

 

"AHHHHHH!"

 

Kevin ran, hands on cheeks, screaming into the woods.

 

Now Kevin hid as if he had just destroyed his brother Buzz's shelves.  He awaits his menacing stalker on a tree branch attached to a blowtorch.  As soon as I see him, I'll blow him to Kingdom come.

 

Much to Kevin's surprise, three figures emerge from the forest.  One is an athletic male wearing 80's attire and a decidedly awesome mullet.  To his right, the same dark-haired beauty who he witnessed wooing both Cage and Wonka from before looked longingly at Dalton.  Trailing a few feet behind, the homeless-looking guy who attacked Achilles on the first day is visibly shaking, clearly having withdrawals.

 

 

 

"Dalton," Kate says, "I wouldn't have left Cage if I didn't have deep feelings for what we have."

 

"Save it, Kate.  I'm not into brunnetes."

 

"Hey, Kate, I still kinda have a thing for the Waitress...she's my one an only...but can I ask you somethin'?"

 

Kate stops five feet from the very tree where, unbeknownst to her, Kevin McCallister holds a can of paint, ready to attack.  Yet although his position works in his advantage, he is weary to attack three at once, deciding to hold off unless one runs into his BB trap. 

 

Kate, meanwhile, is slowly coming to grips that she left the enigmatic yet promising Cage, who insisted on "taking off Dwight's face" for these two clowns on the off-chance she could start a love triangle with them.  Little did she know that Dalton's zen prevented him from falling for anyone other than blonde doctors while  Charlie would be as useful as a pair of kitten mittons.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" she asked, exasperated.

 

"Uh..you haven't by chance picked up any glue in the arena, huh?  Mac promised he was gonna send some.  Man!  What's a guy gotta do to huff a li'l glue around here, huh?!"

 

Kate doesn't answer, but continues to walk.  Dalton looks at his comrade, placing a knowing arm around him.

 

"Don't worry, buddy," Dalton says, "we're going to take real good care of you at the Cornucopia.  Have you ever tried meditating?"

 

Charlie looks past him with wide eyes, noticing something laying in the grass just ahead of them.  He laughs maniacally and runs towards the package while Dalton and Kate look at him curiously.

 

"What is it, Charlie?" Kate asks cautiously.

 

Charlie doesn't answer at first, instead crouching down and examining a sleek suit that he has grown to love over the years.  He picks it up and shows it to his friends gleefully. They stare back in confusion.

 

"Awww yeah! Mac in the house!  Don't you see what it is?!" Charlie exclaims.  "We can win now!"

 

"Charlie, we can't win anything," Kate says.  "Do you not remember the rules?  And what is that?  It smells horrible."

 

Charlie doesn't answer, but begins to put on the suit.

 

"Guys... I'M GREENMAN!"

 

 

 

Kevin looks on as the three people disappear into the night before sighing with relief.  He had the jump on them, but he would wait for an opportunity to pick them off one by one.  He just needed some more ---

 

SNAP!

 

The branch that Kevin rests on breaks in half, sending him sprawling towards the ground like a sack of voltage adapters.  Three feet from the ground, his leg tangles in a noose he had prepared earlier on an adjacent branch.  He now hangs helplessly from the ankle, which seers in pain.  He yelps, but tries his best to conceal his lamentations until he realizes the blowtorch has been activated mere inches from him.  It dangles on a string, coming dangerously close to burning him.  It will be a matter of moments before his own traps doom him.  He groans at his misfortune.

 

"My brother was right," Kevin says aloud, "I AM A DISEASE!"

 

Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from the abyss.  Kevin's heart sinks into his stomach, an impressive feat seeing as he hangs upside down.  He slowly begins to realize that the torch may now be the least of his worries.

 

It's him.

 

Kevin begins to scream as the man walks slowly towards him, a nervous look in his eyes.  He yells for the trio to come back to save him, but no one comes.  The ghost stares at him for a few moments, curiously watching the blowtorch spin next to the boy, before making his move towards him.  Kevin closes his eyes, finally accepting his fate.

 

Before he knows it, he senses the man's large hands tearing at rope, loosening the grip of the noose.  Confused, Kevin opens his eyes and sees that the man isn't trying to harm him, but is freeing him.  He lands with a thud on the ground below him, his ankle swelling profusely.  Kevin looks up at the man with bewildered eyes.  No one says a word.  Finally, the man waves to him.  Kevin hesitantly waves back.  The man then extends his hand to help the mischievous boy to his feet. 

 

"Hi."

 

"Huh..hello."

 

"...I'm Boo."

 

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part VIII)

See part:

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

Of Monsters, Ninja Stars, and Men

Nic Cage and Kate sit on top of a bluff overlooking the wooded field thirty feet below them.  Ever since Wonka had been taken out by the youngster, Kate had been keeping an eye out for traps.  Cage, whose hair is long and blond today, keeps his eyes focused ahead of him, seemingly KNOWING what was going to happen NEXT.  He had brought them to this peak, much to her confusion.

"I don't understand.  We are sitting ducks up here," she says to him as he pulls out a pair of expensive sunglasses.  They have fiery symbols emblazoned on the sides.

"I stole these shades from the devil himself," Cage claims, completely ignorant to the fact that Kate is sitting next to him.  He releases a boastful laugh before noticing the shaking of trees below him.  They both notice Lennie, the lovable hulk-of-a-man who didn't seem to be totally right in the head, aimlessly walking through the jungle.  If Kate didn't know any better, she would have thought that he was at complete peace out there in the wilderness by himself.

"We should ask him to join us," Kate says aloud, thinking that she can possibly play the two males against each other.  At this point, the thought of a potential love triangle is the main driving force keeping her going.  However, Cage doesn't acknowledge her, instead pointing twenty feet ahead where Katniss has her bow poised to take out the lumbering ranch hand.

Katniss' thoughts run rampant as she keeps her arrow trained to Lennie's forehead.  This behemoth is a threat and I can't trust anyone, she thinks to herself.  But at the same time, why is he smiling?  Doesn't he know it's not safe to walk out in the open? 

Before she can act, the Man in the Mustard Yellow Shirt appears behind Lennie, aggressively brandishing a large kitana.  He moves silently yet quickly, and Katniss can't help but feel real sympathy for the unassuming giant.  She tries to aim for Dwight Schrute, but has no shot as he runs directly behind Lennie.  Finally, she reacts.

"Lennie! Behind you!'

Lennie hears the girl shout and turns around, his mammoth arms accidentally colliding into Dwight's head.  The man crumples into the grass, unconscious.  Lennie's shoulders perk up shamefully as he turns back to Katniss.

"Gee, I sure didn't mean to do that, ma'am."

Katniss has completely lowered her weapon, conceding that she is unable to harm such an innocent man. 

"It's okay, Lennie.  That's your name right?"

"Yes'm.  I was minding my own business here when the man-"

"It's okay, Lennie.  I'll protect you."

Katniss stands a few feet from him, wanting to show good faith but cautious to move forward.

"What's your name?"

"Katniss."

"Like a cat?  You look soft."  Lennie moved closer to her and touched her arm.  Katniss, unsure of what to do, stood with her arms folded but allowed him to continue.  The next thing she knew, his arms had wrapped around her tighter than a boa constrictor.  Lennie laughed as he continued to hug his new friend tight.  Friends had been few and far between here in the arena.  He ignored her gasps as he thought about George, his best friend who promised him they would own their own land someday.  If only he could be here now; this land could be their land.

Finally, Lennie lets go.  Katniss crumbles to the ground next to Dwight, who is suddenly coming to.  He looks at the ground next to him and laughs at what he sees.  Lennie, panicking, begins to cry.

"Why won't she wake up?!" he asks incredulously.  Dwight, fearful for his own safety, continues to lay down to avoid any confrontation. 

"Lennie, are you looking for George?" he asked, recanting the name from which he had overheard Lennie saying to himself while stalking him earlier.  Lennie looked up between tears and nodded his head slowly.  "Don't worry, I know where he is."

"Can you take me to him?" he wiped away at his face as Dwight stood up nodding.

"Of course I can, Len.  You lead the way and I'll show you.  He's just around this here thicket."

Lennie follows Dwight's instructions and leads the way into the thicket.  Dwight hears an audible gasp from the cliff above.  He turns his head and sees Nic Cage and Kate, the former holding his hands over Kate's mouth.  Dwight snickers and gives a fake bow before plunging a ninja star into Lennie's thick neck.  He runs awkwardly into the thicket and out of sight from the duo above.  Cage stands, sighs, and immediately begins to scale the cliff. 

"You knew this was coming, didn't you?" Kate asks in outrage.  Cage merely nods, continuing his descent to the bottom.  "Where are you going??"

For the first time in hours, Cage acknowledges his companion. 

"I'm going to take his face....OFF!"

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION:  KATNISS EVERDEEN AND LENNIE SMALL

1)      Achilles - 1/3

2)      Dalton - 10/1

3)      Katniss - 20/1

4)      Super Mario - 30/1

5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)      Nic Cage - 40/1

7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)      Kate Austen– 60/1

9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10)  Horatio – 75/1

11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1

13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1

14)  Yossarian – 90/1

15)  Harry Potter – 100/1

16)  Lennie – 120/1

17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1

18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1

20)  Willy Loman – 400/1

21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1

22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1

23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24)  Boo Radley - ? 

Tuesday Top Ten: Most Regrettable Deaths in Pop Culture

In true English major fashion, I read several books over Christmas Break.  I found myself opening more books on Christmas morning than I did my entire fall semester (only kidding...except for you, Health book.)  After reading Christopher McDougall's Born to Run, I found myself inspired to run five miles a day in The Woodlands (not as impressive considering half the people in the book are running 50-100 mile marathons in intense weather conditions).  After reading Free Darko's The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac, I found myself inspired to write more about my favorite sport in the future.  And after reading Stephen King's The Green Mile, I found myself inspired to write about the deaths in pop culture that I regret the most.  I know, in true English major fashion...

(*DISCLAIMER: If you don't want to read spoilers for 24, 3:10 to Yuma, Dexter, Alias, Rocky, or Lost, then don't read the rest of the incredibly well-written and compelling post.)





Honorable Mention:
-David Palmer from 24 (although you're still in his good hands with his Allstate commercials)

-Charlie Prince from 3:10 to Yuma (because you know you'd rather see Ben Foster starring in a sequel/spin-off as this great character than seeing him co-star with Jason "I Love Lionsgate" Statham in The Mechanic.)

-Elisha Cuthbert's career (one word: Captivity)

10. Arrested Development

  

The show that spawned and revived the careers of some of the greatest comedic minds of the past ten years was murdered by Fox before its time.  The reasoning?  Ratings.  From every highbrow joke to the plucky theme, this show was in a class of its own when it came to sitcoms (and yes, I'm including Sanford and Son, as well.)  Lately, I've been worried that one of my favorite new shows, Community, might fall to the same fate despite being one of the best written comedies in the past few years.  Rumors of an Arrested Development movie have been in circulation for the past twenty-three years.

9. Michael Vaughn - Alias

 

I stumbled upon Alias several years after it had already ended while I was on summer hiatus from another JJ Abrams show, Lost.  The first couple of seasons were riveting, with great writing and good acting that could only be rivaled by a show like Lost (at this point, even I'm not sure if I believe half the things I say about my old favorite show).  However, things started to tumble after an incredible second season finale and I think Abrams desperately wanted to find a new angle to the show that was slowly becoming stagnant during the next few seasons.  And while Vaughn's death was a move that was bold and dramatic, I slowly lost interest with the newly introduced replacements.  Ben Affleck didn't help the show much either by getting Jennifer Garner pregnant for the last season of the show...just another reason to hate him.

(Editor's Note: When I wrote this, I wasn't aware that they bring him back to life...coming from a show related to Lost, I should have known I would be made a fool for jumping to conclusions..  In my face.)

8. Apollo Creed - Rocky IV

 

Let's forget the fact that Apollo's death resulted in one of the greatest montages in cinematic history, or possibly my favorite quote of all time, but hone in on how seeing Apollo die when I was a kid nearly traumatized me to the point of catatonia.  The guy represented America!  Even the fact that Apollo's death was necessary to bring Rocky out of retirement is regrettable because after his eventual defeat of Drago, Rocky 5 was greenlit, bringing a less-than-motivational brain damage/Tommy Gunn storyline.

7. Nick Drake

I've touched upon this before: in high school I was led to believe that Nick Drake was an up-and-coming musician that would rival Iron & Wine for the rest of my life.  His haunting "Pink Moon" is still one of my favorite songs.  But at a lake house trip the summer after high school, my friend Austin hit me with the sad reality that he died in the early 1970s, only further proof that I am living in the wrong decade.  Drake was right though, there was a pink moon coming.

6. Doakes - Dexter

Anytime the first two seasons of Dexter needed a breath of fresh air, either in the form of comic relief or intriguing storyline, Doakes was there.  While he mainly served as a major foil to the darkly dreaming Dexter, Doakes was seemingly more than that with his quick-talking, no-nonsense persona.  Many of his greatest quotes are unprintable for Charging Interests, but believe me when I say that he was an explosive character.  While his demise in the second season was slightly predictable and mostly warranted in order to keep the show going, it's disappointing to see the same cop-chasing-Dexter storyline with Quinn, a far lesser character than the (almost) immortal Doakes.

5. Rita - Dexter

Season four of Dexter was my personal favorite, seeing as the Trinity Killer was one of the greatest villains ever created.  John Lithgow's chilling portrayal earned him several much-deserved awards.  However, to truly cement his status as one of the best bad guys, he had to do something that would really shock the audience, which he did by killing Rita in the season finale.  I still remember being shocked watching the episode live back at my parent's house, well before Julie Benz would agree to be in the laughable No Ordinary Family.  However, this death makes the list mainly because of the shock value that it caused and not because I find it particularly regrettable, seeing that Rita was never my favorite character.  As my good friend Cale put it, "The only thing I regret about Rita's death is that it took four seasons for it to happen."

4. Michael Myers - Halloween II

Although Rob Zombie's Michael Myers also died in his updated version of Halloween II, both of his contributions to the Halloween series were mainly regrettable so I'll focus mainly on the original sequel.  (One time when I was in Oklahoma I started to watch the first Zombie Halloween with a girl I liked.  After the first thirty minutes we decided to stop watching due to the sheer grossness of it.  Several episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark soon followed.  In related news, we never dated.)  In the original Halloween II, the final standoff has Michael getting shot in both eyes and set ablaze in a gas leak set off by Dr. Loomis.  Despite Michael valiantly trying to walk it off (half of the reason why he made the list was so I could post the above still frame), he collapses and seemingly dies.  A completely Michael Myers-less Halloween III: Season of the Witch followed and I'm still not entirely sure if it was released as a horror or a comedy.  The movie was so terrible that Nicholas Cage couldn't resist making a movie of the same name.  I swear, sometimes Charging Interests writes itself.  Luckily, producers wised up and resurrected Myers for another eight movies before Rob Zombie did his best to kill him for good.

3. Every Attractive Female on Lost













I'm not sure why, but if you were a woman or a minority living on Lost island, you're days were more numbered than the prisoners from The Green Mile.  It seemed as if every month another cute girl on the island was finding themselves six feet under.  First it was Shannon, followed by Ana and Libby, then Nikki, Juliet, and finally Sun.  Yes, everyone may have died by the end of the show, but if you were a girl and your name wasn't Kate or Claire, then you might as well have walked into the jungle and begged for the Smoke Monster to come destroy you, Tom Jane from The Mist-style. 


2. Mr. Eko - Lost

Speaking of Lost, how disappointing was it that Mr. Eko was the one character that wasn't brought back for the final "sentimental" season?  Apparently Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje wanted three times the amount of money that they were offering him to return, which if true is supremely disappointing, seeing that he was one of the best characters on the show back when it made more sense (if any sense at all).  Apparently, the actor originally left the show because he wanted to return to London after his parents' deaths, leaving the writers to ditch their much more grandiose plans for the stick-wielding priest.  Mr. Eko's promise was ultimately unfulfilled and the only way to get your fix was to watch Adewale in GI Joe.  I didn't see it either.  It's also interesting to note that Adewale's character in Oz, Simon Adebisi, also died before his time.

1. Otis Redding

I had a hard time putting real people on this list, feeling pretty low that I would compare fictional characters' deaths with real-life death.  In the big scheme of things, I do know that pop culture is just trivial and people like Nick Drake should be honored before fictional people like Apollo Creed.  that being said, Otis Redding was the inspiration for this list and I had to put him at number one.  At the ripe age of twenty-six, Redding was able to establish himself as one of the premiere voices of the 1960s.  He died in a plane crash just three days after his most well-known song, "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay", was recorded.  If Redding had lived, there is no doubt that he would have continued to be one of the greatest singers of the 20th century and I would have at least three more hours of cool music to play when I jog.  We were born to run, you know. 

-PB - credit to Twhitt and Nick for the song.