Talking Tragic

 (This literally has nothing to do with the post, I just liked this picture I took at Chicken Oil Company in Bryan, Tx yesterday)

For the sake of making this a slightly more compelling post, I'd like to consider myself a tragic hero for a little bit.  Of course, you may be quick to tell me the only things remotely heroic about me are my occasional game-winning shots in pickup basketball and my uncanny ability to be available to babysit my sister's kids at a moment's notice; I would be quick to tell you that You are the worst.  Not too heroic, I know, but for argument's sake, let's pretend like I am the second-coming of Achilles (complete with the ridiculous Troy hair.  I like to dream big, ladies and gentlemen).  At the very least, Hector would not know how to guard me on the open court at the Texas A&M rec center, so at least I have that going for me.  (Didn't a single rock break that guy's ankle, anyways?).  So with all mocking and incredulity aside, if I am a real-life tragic hero, let's talk about my glaring tragic flaw: stubbornness.

These past few weeks I have been in full-fledged stubborn mode.  I'm a month away from graduation and I still have no clue what I want to be doing after college.  My parents, two of the most caring and thoughtful people in the world, have been doing their best to keep me motivated on the job hunt.  Honestly all I can think about doing right now though is living paycheck to paycheck while working at a bookstore or coffee shop while I give writing a serious chance.  I know, obviously that's what every college graduate aspires to be and would definitely make Mom and Dad proud that that's why they sent me to college.  I never imagined myself living life as a "struggling artist", but part of me thinks that's what might make me happiest right now, and even if I have a better chance of figuring out what was happening on Lost than making it as an author, at least I'll know I tried.  Then again, I know I have been unreasonable in most of my major decisions (three different schools in four years will help you believe that), so maybe it's an outright bad idea.  I really don't know.  But I don't think I can live up to the expectations laid out before me, and part of me doesn't want to.

It would be foolish of me to talk about my tragic flaw without bringing up women.  (Maybe it is actually MORE foolish of me to bring up women right now, but let's do this anyway.)  I'm a hopeless romantic.  Embarrassing, I know, but I said it.  Maybe it's from watching too many teen soaps growing up (I'm okay with my masculinity to admit it...Smallville and One Tree Hill used to be awesome) or maybe it's because it comes with the territory of wanting to be a writer, but for some reason I have always imagined myself finding the girl of my dreams and riding off into the sunset in an old VW bus (romance. at. its. finest.).  I'm only kidding about the last part, but I'm serious when I say that I get burned on my own account due to this unenviable trait.  In the past, I was all about having fun and worrying about the future later, which lead to me ruining plenty of friendships and relationships that I wish I could mend at times.  Now days I've been reluctant to share any part of my life (outside this terrible blog, of course) because I feel like it's inevitable that I'm either going to let someone down or get let down myself.  Living life to the fullest, I know.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and live in an everlasting Bob Seger "Night Moves"-like world where everything is just a breeze, but that's not me anymore.  So even if it brings more heartbreak than cheer (in a mix of indie-ness/lameness, Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" feels like an appropriate theme song lately), it's the way I am.  I feel like that may be the most tragic part of this all.  But tragic or not, I have faith things will work out.

My sister and I actually had a brief conversation the other day about faith.  Fed up with everything, I always know she's someone I can always vent to.  While I've always considered myself a relatively "good guy" and believe that God has a plan for all of us, I have refrained from getting involved with churches while in college for the most part.  I am not a fan of the "holier-than-thou" approach that I've experienced from others my age.  I know that not everyone is like that, but I'm tragically flawed, remember?  All I know is I am just a young, hopeful but foolish kid who doesn't have the answers to life and won't pretend to.  If that makes me hypocritical, I honestly have no answer.  My sister opened my eyes, asking me bluntly whether I've really tried to trust God or whether I have still been trying to figure everything out on my own.  In many ways, I have let my flaws win out these past few years.  If there was ever a time in my life where I needed to let my stubbornness go (with future jobs, girls, life), this is the time to do it.  Despite wanting to have a Heart for God, many times I've only had a heart for myself.  And that doesn't make me a tragic hero, that just makes me tragically misguided.

It's time I changed that.

-PB