Ten Things to Do After Graduating College

I've had a hard time thinking of new things to write about, so I've decided to reflect on my first few weeks of post-graduation life and give a few recommendations on how to become an out-of-college, out-of-work, single 22 year-old who seems destined to move back in to his old high school bedroom. Trust me, it's much cooler than it sounds.

1. Stay in Shape
   While I've never been the face of men's health, endless amounts of pickup basketball has allowed my body to stay in a form that looks relatively human.   Now that pickup games in The Woodlands are seemingly non-existent and I'm not allowed in the Texas A&M rec center post-graduation, I've had to improvise.  (I have officially retired the USA Starburys.  My new bball shoes--another patriotic pair of  red, white, and blue Nikes, have sat in the backseat of my car unused for about a month).  I don't think I'll ever turn into the ultrarunner than Christopher McDougall's book Born to Run inspires me to be, but a little bit of running every day has allowed me to keep my sanity, not to mention prevent me from looking like Tommy Boy.  Plus, one of the best things about the town is the scenery, which I'll take over treadmilling every time.

2. Pick Up a New Show
   While I continue to look for a job, I've had some free time to start up the show Chuck.  Contrary to my friend Janisch's minority belief, this show is absolutely in the top three hour-long shows currently airing (along with Justified and Dexter).  Now, when I say I've had some free time, I should admit that I watched the first three seasons in two weeks.  (But it should be noted that my roommates and I actually started this show during finals week.  What can I say...my finals didn't really count towards my final grade so I kinda stopped caring.  BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.)

3. Reconnect with High School Friends
   It's inevitable to come back to my hometown during holidays and summers without running into a myriad of people that went to my high school.  I used to dread going to bars here because I figured there was a reason why I didn't stay in touch with them over the years.  That being said, I have reconnected with some old high school friends in the past few weeks where it feels like we have barely parted from the halls of College Park High.  After going through separate but similar experiences in the past four years, it's refreshing to catch up with old acquaintances and hear about their successes.  (One thing I'd recommend: if you are going to talk to someone, at least feign interest in them.  Recently I had someone whom I've kept in relatively decent touch with over the years, someone whom I've even seen multiple times in the past six months, literally ask me why I was wearing a class ring and what college I graduated from.  Now I know I've been to a few schools...but seriously?  Very cool.  Needless to say, I don't think she's one of the six people reading this blog.)

4. Groom Yourself
   Gone are the days where I could grow facial hair for fun (unless I fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming Ernest Hemingway...minus the alcoholism).  Even long hair doesn't feel as cool as it once did and I'm considering buzzing my head just like the old days.  (Somewhere my sister is ecstatic.)

5. Become a Vagabond
    Between my duplex in College Station and my parent's place in The Woodlands, I have no permanent home right now.  I feel like a drifter from an old western, sliding from town to town with no end in sight.  I am not a big fan of making plans...or as my friend Cale recently put it last week, "My summer plans end tomorrow morning when I return my Uhaul."  Minus the job hunt, I'm right there with him.

6. Get a Record Player
    My dad is a music aficionado.  He grew up listening to some of the greatest music of all-time: The Beatles, The Grass Roots, Three Dog Night, Wilson Pickett, Gladys Knight, The Doors, The Turtles, etc.  I recently found his old vinyl records and was immediately transported back to 60s and 70s.  Over 300 albums, you name it, he had it.  After finding his record player, I spend most of my free time (I've caught up with Chuck, after all) listening to the old records in my room while wearing a v-neck and red Toms-knockoff shoes.  You don't have to tell me...I am so cool and don't look like a tool at all!  (Speaking of the shoes, my friend Alya recently said "You know what they say about red shoes: only children and prostitutes wear them."  Well, I graduated college....so I'm not a child.

7. Catch Up on Reading
   As an English major, I have been forced to read some mundane books over the years against my will.  No I would not like to read a tenth consecutive book about racial inequality.  Yes, I realize it is a very important topic and that white people are the devil, but reading literally nothing but books of that genre eventually takes its toll on a person.  Now that I am done with college, I am free to read all the Animorph and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books that I want.  (Kidding...I just said I wasn't a child.)

8. Sneak into Movies
   Just because I am supposed to be a grown up, keeping myself well-kempt and well-dressed, doesn't mean that the audacious movie prices in The Woodlands are okay.  Over $10 for a Friday night movie ticket?  Would you like my firstborn child as well?  If you're making me pay $7 for a matinee to see the awful movie Priest, you better believe my friends and I are going to sneak into a few other movies, 7th grade-style.  Tip: Be confident... act like you know what you're doing and no one will ask questions.  (Yes, I just gave a tip on how to sneak into a movie theater...this is happening...)

9. Come Up With a New Catch-Phrase
   Sadly, I can't take full credit for this.  Janisch and I were hanging by the pool one day and we came up with a slightly uncreative but effective catch phrase: "slide."  You can use it at any point in any conversation.  Examples: 1) Hey what time do you want me to slide over? 2) I can slide with that. 3) We're just sliding right now. (If you can't tell, I'm slowly sliding into insanity.)

10. Plan a Cross Country Road Trip
   It's in the early stages, but it's gonnnnna happen. 

I hope everyone's summers are off to a good start.  Good luck as you may be beginning the next stage of your life.  And thank you for spending a few minutes inside my frenzied mind.

-PB

Tuesday Top Ten: Moments at The Hydra

Stranded.

The Tuesday Top Ten is back for a quick look at some of my favorite moments over the years at the lake house (aka the Hydra).  While I kinda wish these were more detailed (I'm not sure how interesting these short anecdotes will be to outsiders), I really just wanted to make a short and light-natured post after the drawn out Road House epic.  If you need more info on the Hydra...here's a shameless plug for an older post.

Honorable Mentions
- Cale barrel rolling off the roof to the ground.
- Blake to Heather: "I'm cold...can you give me your socks?"
- Nick: "She's mine tomorrow night." 

10. Ghost Stories
-On special occasions (New Years, boredom) we build bonfires down by the lake.  With a little help from some Color Flames (also talked about in an earlier post), the bonfire quickly turns into an Are You Afraid of the Dark world where we can tell stories while throwing magic dust into the flames, turning them cool shades of blue and green.  There's something about being able to tell ghost stories in the same mold as a classic '90s Nick at Nite show that makes me content with my life.  I guess it's the little things...

9. Sneaking into the Neighbor's Hot Tub
-For as long as I've visited the lake, our next door neighbors have always been a giant condominium.  The mysterious strangers that live over there have been more secretive than JJ Abrams and the only thing I know about the place is that a hot tub is located in the center of the complex.  Ever since I was six, I've wanted to jump in it.  Not until New Years' Eve 2010 did we finally gain the courage and idiocy to trespass and use the vacant tub.  We were 22-24, the weather was cold, and the tub was awesome.

8. The Ghost-Riding Jet Ski
-The summer before our freshman year of college, about seven of us went to the lake house for our first trip together.  My friends Alli, Janisch, and I were riding a jet ski when we all flipped off of it.  Normally, the key is strapped securely to your life jacket in order to kill the engine in situations like this.  Long story short, the key was not securely attached and as soon as we emerged we watched in horror as the jet ski headed straight towards rocks.  However, in a miraculous twist of fate, the jet ski did a 180 and headed straight towards us.  The three of us swam steadfastly towards the jet ski.  While Janisch and I might as well have been bowling balls in the water, Alli pulled an Indiana Jones and grabbed on to the passing craft and saved the day.

7. The Sink Picture
-There is a picture online somewhere with my friend Jessie and I.  While our friendship is completely platonic, the photo says otherwise.  We've recreated it for fun countless times, but it is by far the weirdest photo I've ever seen involving a guy, a girl, a kitchen sink, and a bottle of WD-40.  Sorry, not gonna upload it.  I promise it's classy.

6. Cliff Jumping as Superman
-This is actually a memory from high school, but it's absurd enough that it needs to be noted.  For my 16th birthday my friend Max gave me a Superman costume.  (Those were the days).  Within minutes it was decided that I should put the costume on and jump from our cliff into the lake thirty-five feet below.  Cliff jumping as a regular person has never been the same since.

5. Rickesh and His Wrath
- Several chairs, small life jackets, and rafts have seen better days after my friend Rickesh, a bigger guy, wrecked unintentional havoc on them. Some highlights:
a) "Snorlax."  - T.Whitt's nickname for the sleeping giant.
b) "This is a child's vest! I'm drowning!" (That life jacket was never the same.)
c) "Heather, stop being immature and let's play hide and seek."
d) Literally fell three-forths of the way down a spiral staircase, crashing into a bedroom door like a battering ram.
e) Getting on name-to-name basis with local BBQ cooks...more on that in a bit.

4. The Male-Bonding Trip
- Graduation has made me lament about the end of meaningful pick-up basketball in my life, but it also signifies the end of trips where my friends and I can leave on a Tuesday and go to the Hydra for several days.  My friends Blake, Rickesh, Nick, David, and Janisch joined me on this trip, which happened spontaneously from a Tuesday-Thursday and involved several trips to Lee's Burgers, discovering the mythical Strangely-Attractive Girl, cliff-diving, and card games involving a gentlemen's amount of air humping.  Don't ask, don't tell.

3. Spring Break 2011
- This may have been the last stand.  Not only because of graduation but because there is a chance my parents may rebuild the Hydra in order to live there after retirement in a few years.  This week had it all- a great group of friends, some great stories (the failed shotgun on the dock, throwing live matches at each other, a day full of Community, 3 AM trash disposing, to name a few), not to mention plenty of frustration from real life knocking on the door, but I think what sticks out most is the finality I got out of it.  If that's the way the Hydra went out, I think I can live with it.

2. The Impromptu USA Weekend
-On 4th of July weekend 2010, my friends and I decided to head up to the Hydra for some fun and fireworks.  What we got was Rickesh making friends with the local BBQ people ("What should we make for you tomorrow, Rick?"), Janisch shooting Roman candles at me, friends yelling at the moon, and one of the greatest shows of American patriotism I've ever witnessed.  I was on the hammock with someone while a few friends played a game inside.  Normally, after one team wins with my friends there is incessant but unintelligent trash talking.  Not this time though.  On cue, a raucous chant of "USA! USA!" emerged from inside the Hydra, which lasted for what seemed like an eternity and could be heard over the fireworks blasting from across the lake for all our mysterious condo neighbors to hear.  I jumped from the hammock and left her behind, because anytime you can win a game and demean your opponent by yelling your shared nationality at them, you've gotta do it.

1. The Stranded-on-the-Lake Fiasco
-MLK weekend 2008 may have been the game-changer with my friends.  It was that weekend that we realized that the Hydra was a place where we could always go to to reconnect, no matter how far away we lived.  This is the same weekend where I came down with what I am pretty sure was walking pneumonia.  I felt deathly sick.  Rickesh, always looking to complicate things, demanded that he go out in the freezing January water on jet skis.  Since I was the only one who knew how to get them off the dock and into the water, I went out to help.  As the jet ski started to drift away I jumped on it, thinking I could drive the it back to the dock with the keys.  Little did I know that the machine's battery was dead.  In a matter of moments, I found myself a hundred yards away on the other side of Lake Travis as the rest of my friends pointed and laughed from either the dock or the cliff above.  I felt the icy water with apprehension, knowing I had to make a decision.  I took off my sweatshirt, shoes, and jeans, yelling at my friends "Don't look at me!"  (Except for the girl I was interested in... she could look.  Kidding.)  I jumped into the water, positive that I was going to die embarrassingly in my underwear, and pushed the jet ski back towards the dock.  Here's the best part though: Rickesh and Janisch jumped in foolishly to help.  While Janisch actually swam like a normal human being, Rick, who threw a life jacket over his clothes, thought that he could magically float towards me.  He looked like a human buoy.  Together, we acted like human seals and moved the jet ski like a beach ball while the rest of our friends mocked us from above.  And THAT is what friends are for.

(I'm sure I'm missing on some better stories, so if you guys remember one, post it below!)

-PB (this song has been stuck in my head for days)

Tuesday Top Ten: Most Regrettable Deaths in Pop Culture

In true English major fashion, I read several books over Christmas Break.  I found myself opening more books on Christmas morning than I did my entire fall semester (only kidding...except for you, Health book.)  After reading Christopher McDougall's Born to Run, I found myself inspired to run five miles a day in The Woodlands (not as impressive considering half the people in the book are running 50-100 mile marathons in intense weather conditions).  After reading Free Darko's The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac, I found myself inspired to write more about my favorite sport in the future.  And after reading Stephen King's The Green Mile, I found myself inspired to write about the deaths in pop culture that I regret the most.  I know, in true English major fashion...

(*DISCLAIMER: If you don't want to read spoilers for 24, 3:10 to Yuma, Dexter, Alias, Rocky, or Lost, then don't read the rest of the incredibly well-written and compelling post.)





Honorable Mention:
-David Palmer from 24 (although you're still in his good hands with his Allstate commercials)

-Charlie Prince from 3:10 to Yuma (because you know you'd rather see Ben Foster starring in a sequel/spin-off as this great character than seeing him co-star with Jason "I Love Lionsgate" Statham in The Mechanic.)

-Elisha Cuthbert's career (one word: Captivity)

10. Arrested Development

  

The show that spawned and revived the careers of some of the greatest comedic minds of the past ten years was murdered by Fox before its time.  The reasoning?  Ratings.  From every highbrow joke to the plucky theme, this show was in a class of its own when it came to sitcoms (and yes, I'm including Sanford and Son, as well.)  Lately, I've been worried that one of my favorite new shows, Community, might fall to the same fate despite being one of the best written comedies in the past few years.  Rumors of an Arrested Development movie have been in circulation for the past twenty-three years.

9. Michael Vaughn - Alias

 

I stumbled upon Alias several years after it had already ended while I was on summer hiatus from another JJ Abrams show, Lost.  The first couple of seasons were riveting, with great writing and good acting that could only be rivaled by a show like Lost (at this point, even I'm not sure if I believe half the things I say about my old favorite show).  However, things started to tumble after an incredible second season finale and I think Abrams desperately wanted to find a new angle to the show that was slowly becoming stagnant during the next few seasons.  And while Vaughn's death was a move that was bold and dramatic, I slowly lost interest with the newly introduced replacements.  Ben Affleck didn't help the show much either by getting Jennifer Garner pregnant for the last season of the show...just another reason to hate him.

(Editor's Note: When I wrote this, I wasn't aware that they bring him back to life...coming from a show related to Lost, I should have known I would be made a fool for jumping to conclusions..  In my face.)

8. Apollo Creed - Rocky IV

 

Let's forget the fact that Apollo's death resulted in one of the greatest montages in cinematic history, or possibly my favorite quote of all time, but hone in on how seeing Apollo die when I was a kid nearly traumatized me to the point of catatonia.  The guy represented America!  Even the fact that Apollo's death was necessary to bring Rocky out of retirement is regrettable because after his eventual defeat of Drago, Rocky 5 was greenlit, bringing a less-than-motivational brain damage/Tommy Gunn storyline.

7. Nick Drake

I've touched upon this before: in high school I was led to believe that Nick Drake was an up-and-coming musician that would rival Iron & Wine for the rest of my life.  His haunting "Pink Moon" is still one of my favorite songs.  But at a lake house trip the summer after high school, my friend Austin hit me with the sad reality that he died in the early 1970s, only further proof that I am living in the wrong decade.  Drake was right though, there was a pink moon coming.

6. Doakes - Dexter

Anytime the first two seasons of Dexter needed a breath of fresh air, either in the form of comic relief or intriguing storyline, Doakes was there.  While he mainly served as a major foil to the darkly dreaming Dexter, Doakes was seemingly more than that with his quick-talking, no-nonsense persona.  Many of his greatest quotes are unprintable for Charging Interests, but believe me when I say that he was an explosive character.  While his demise in the second season was slightly predictable and mostly warranted in order to keep the show going, it's disappointing to see the same cop-chasing-Dexter storyline with Quinn, a far lesser character than the (almost) immortal Doakes.

5. Rita - Dexter

Season four of Dexter was my personal favorite, seeing as the Trinity Killer was one of the greatest villains ever created.  John Lithgow's chilling portrayal earned him several much-deserved awards.  However, to truly cement his status as one of the best bad guys, he had to do something that would really shock the audience, which he did by killing Rita in the season finale.  I still remember being shocked watching the episode live back at my parent's house, well before Julie Benz would agree to be in the laughable No Ordinary Family.  However, this death makes the list mainly because of the shock value that it caused and not because I find it particularly regrettable, seeing that Rita was never my favorite character.  As my good friend Cale put it, "The only thing I regret about Rita's death is that it took four seasons for it to happen."

4. Michael Myers - Halloween II

Although Rob Zombie's Michael Myers also died in his updated version of Halloween II, both of his contributions to the Halloween series were mainly regrettable so I'll focus mainly on the original sequel.  (One time when I was in Oklahoma I started to watch the first Zombie Halloween with a girl I liked.  After the first thirty minutes we decided to stop watching due to the sheer grossness of it.  Several episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark soon followed.  In related news, we never dated.)  In the original Halloween II, the final standoff has Michael getting shot in both eyes and set ablaze in a gas leak set off by Dr. Loomis.  Despite Michael valiantly trying to walk it off (half of the reason why he made the list was so I could post the above still frame), he collapses and seemingly dies.  A completely Michael Myers-less Halloween III: Season of the Witch followed and I'm still not entirely sure if it was released as a horror or a comedy.  The movie was so terrible that Nicholas Cage couldn't resist making a movie of the same name.  I swear, sometimes Charging Interests writes itself.  Luckily, producers wised up and resurrected Myers for another eight movies before Rob Zombie did his best to kill him for good.

3. Every Attractive Female on Lost













I'm not sure why, but if you were a woman or a minority living on Lost island, you're days were more numbered than the prisoners from The Green Mile.  It seemed as if every month another cute girl on the island was finding themselves six feet under.  First it was Shannon, followed by Ana and Libby, then Nikki, Juliet, and finally Sun.  Yes, everyone may have died by the end of the show, but if you were a girl and your name wasn't Kate or Claire, then you might as well have walked into the jungle and begged for the Smoke Monster to come destroy you, Tom Jane from The Mist-style. 


2. Mr. Eko - Lost

Speaking of Lost, how disappointing was it that Mr. Eko was the one character that wasn't brought back for the final "sentimental" season?  Apparently Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje wanted three times the amount of money that they were offering him to return, which if true is supremely disappointing, seeing that he was one of the best characters on the show back when it made more sense (if any sense at all).  Apparently, the actor originally left the show because he wanted to return to London after his parents' deaths, leaving the writers to ditch their much more grandiose plans for the stick-wielding priest.  Mr. Eko's promise was ultimately unfulfilled and the only way to get your fix was to watch Adewale in GI Joe.  I didn't see it either.  It's also interesting to note that Adewale's character in Oz, Simon Adebisi, also died before his time.

1. Otis Redding

I had a hard time putting real people on this list, feeling pretty low that I would compare fictional characters' deaths with real-life death.  In the big scheme of things, I do know that pop culture is just trivial and people like Nick Drake should be honored before fictional people like Apollo Creed.  that being said, Otis Redding was the inspiration for this list and I had to put him at number one.  At the ripe age of twenty-six, Redding was able to establish himself as one of the premiere voices of the 1960s.  He died in a plane crash just three days after his most well-known song, "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay", was recorded.  If Redding had lived, there is no doubt that he would have continued to be one of the greatest singers of the 20th century and I would have at least three more hours of cool music to play when I jog.  We were born to run, you know. 

-PB - credit to Twhitt and Nick for the song.

Ty's Top Ten (Part One): Life Regrets

Well Thanksgiving is over, the weather is cold and Bing is on the radio. In an effort to bring myself back to earth I have compiled a top ten list that was a bit rough to write, it was a struggle, a humbling journey. I present the my top ten regrets in life, a hindsight-laced cure for any pointless nostalgia the holiday season may be inspiring. Excited yet? I don't blame you.

10.) Not watching enough day-time TV in college - Don't mistake me, I watched plenty of day-time TV in college, an inordinate amount really, but until you have to go to work all day everyday you can't really see the truth, that there is never, ever too much day time TV. If you are in college right now, do yourself a favor and go turn on Judge Judy or a Frasier re-run immediately. You're welcome.

9.) Becoming addicted to Diet Coke - My dad has low blood sugar and therefore can't drink regular cokes. Growing up we never had regular Coke in our house. Naturally I drank whatever carbonated beverage was in my house. Unfortunately, the casual diet coke, consumed out of convenience, grew into a raging, embarrassing and certainly harmful addiction. Its not fun to be the dude who goes goes to the break room and returns with diet coke... no I'm not holding this for a girl, nor was it the only thing they had left...I HAVE A FREAKIN ADDICTION, OK!! Also, I'm pretty sure I will get cancer at some point in my life due to the large amount of aspartame I consume on a daily basis. To note: this would be much higher on my list, considering it might kill me, but this is a list of my regrettable choices and my dad's medical condition is partly to blame for this regret.

8.) Watching 45 minutes of the movie "College." - This would also be much higher on the list had I lost any more than 45 minutes of my life watching this movie (coincidentally, this movie is pretty high on my "who gave this the greenlight?"list). I actually went to the theater to see this on the recommendation of a friend...well former friend, I officially downgraded us to permanent acquaintances after this movie.  In fact, this movie was so bad and I felt so betrayed by the recommendation that this acquaintance could be the best man at my wedding and I would have to introduce him as "the best man and my good acquaintance, _____"

7.) Not investing myself in some obscure sport in high school - In retrospect, I really should have pursued some obscure sport with very few participants and even fewer actual athletes. I might have been able to ride this into a scholarship at some expensive, prestigious college.

6.) Jnco Jeans (and to a lesser extent, Lee's Pipes) - C'mon, if you are between the ages of 27 and 20, you remember these bad boys. Wow. I wish my Superman cape and underwear phase had just extended to fifth grade rather than fall prey to this trainwreck of a fad.

5.) Developing myself a catchphrase - there's still time for this one but I feel like if I had worked in an Steve Urkel-esque catchphrase earlier in life it would be more likely to stick. In my head it plays out like this...a large room full of people are in a conversion, possibly my office, a family reunion, a friend's house, anywhere where there are many people who know me gathered together. I walk in, conversation continues, I'm somewhat unnoticed. Then, as if planned by the gods, someone tees me up, without hesitation nor over-excitement but simply a cool sense of purpose and destiny, I stick my head into the conversation and drop the line "________" Immediately everyone roars with studio audience-like laughter, but I only smile, I've been there before..."

That's all I've got for now...part II to come...

The Tuesday Top Ten: Most Ridiculous Houston Rockets Players

For better or for worse, the Houston Rockets have, in many ways, shaped my life.  My family still loves to tell everyone how I would always cry when they lost growing up ("They just lost to the worst team in the league!") and the image of John Stockton hitting that three pointer on Barkley to go to the NBA Championship still haunts me and, while I am not a psychologist, may very well be the reason why I am still single.  Karl Malone set a moving pick!  (No, I'm not bitter.)  Oh, well, have fun trying to beat Jordan in the next round, Jazz.

The Rockets have had some amazing players over the past fifteen years ("If it's good enough for Scola, then it's good enough for me").  However, as with anything else in life, I find humor in the most bizarre things...so without further ado, here is my list of the most ridiculous players to ever don a Rockets jersey in my lifetime.

 10.  Eric Piatkowski (2003-2004)

 If I was 6'7'', I'm pretty sure I could get away with being the last man on the bench on an NBA team, not to mention take photographs that make me look like I'm a televangelist.  Wait, maybe Piatkowski was on to something.

9. Bonzi Wells (2006-2008)

 Bonzi was in the same mold as Ron Artest, minus the hilarity.  In fact, the two played together in Sacramento, where Bonzi played well enough that Ron Artest offered to forgo his entire salary to keep Bonzi on the team.  Sounds like Crazy Pills (I thought about putting Artest on this list, but decided it would be way too easy).  However, Bonzi felt that the 5 year, $38 million contract the Kings offered prior to the 2006 season was an insult.  His grandiose expectations of landing a bigger contract turned out to be nothing but delusions of grandeur, as Bonzi eventually gave in to the bitter reality that no one else would offer that much and signed a 2 year, $4 million contract with Houston.  This is the same guy who admitted he ate fast food about three times a day when he was a young gun in Portland.  Needless to say, his Rockets career was as random and inconsistent as the meat from Taco Bell and he was eventually shipped to New Orleans.

8. Pete Chilcutt (1994-1996)

Chilly Pete is an NBA champion.  Let that sink in for a moment.  He actually had a surprisingly long-lived NBA career that spanned nearly ten years and seven teams.  He took over for Matt Bullard during the team's second NBA championship season, cementing the myth that as long as you're tall and can shoot there will be a place in the league for you. 


7. Kelvin Cato (1999-2004)

With a top-notch, alliteration-friendly name, not to mention a tie in to an underrated character from Lost, it would have only been fitting for Cato to be the centerpiece for championship-winning Houston teams.  Alas, Cato was a part of the 'blockbuster' trade that sent our two lovable alley-oopers (more on them later) to Orlando for a player who would eventually be nicknamed Knee-Mac.  Sometimes the world isn't fair.

6. The White Point Guards of the Late '90s
Matt Maloney (1996-1999)      Brent Price (1996-1999)       Bryce Drew (1998-2000)

Yeah, these are three separate players, but at the end of the day...are they really?  They single-handedly ruined what could have been a magical run during the twilight of Olajuwon, Drexler, and Barkley's careers.  Maloney, in particular, was absolutely brutalized by John Stockton in the 1997 Western Conference Finals.  If the Rockets had a starting point guard that didn't go to to an Ivy League school, we could have been the team that Chicago destroyed in Jordan's last two championship years!  Brent Price was plagued by injuries during his sporadic NBA career (the knee brace in his player card could not be more fitting), while Bryce Drew was what Gordon Hayward will eventually become: a decent player who was overhyped by an impressive NCAA tournament and later fell into NBA obscurity.

5. Walt Williams (1999-2002)

Walt Williams was the man.  He wore knee-high socks in honor of George Gervin and had an overall old-school feel to his game.  That old-school style included shooting nothing but three pointers and not playing even a hint of actual defense.  Prior to his glory days as a Rocket, Walt was featured in Hootie and the Blowfish's bizarre music video to "I Only Wanna Be With You."  Because anytime you can incorporate Walt Williams, Alonzo Mourning, Dan Marino and ESPN anchors in a music video for a pretty great song that has nothing to do with sports, you've gotta do it.  Oh, the '90s....


4. Eddie Griffin (2002-2003)

Easily the most tragic player on this list, Eddie Griffin had an incredible amount of potential.  He had decent range while possessing an ability to block a basketball that only Kelvin Cato could match.  In order to get him, they traded three draft picks (one of them the rights to Richard Jefferson).  Right in line with most of the moves the Rockets made during this time period, the Eddie Griffin trade did not pan out.  Besides his inconsistent play, Griffin suffered from alcoholism, and the Rockets eventually released him after erratic behavior.  He played his final years in Minnesota.  He was arrested on one occasion for driving under the influence while watching porn in his car.  If that wasn't disturbing enough, Griffin died in 2007 after crashing his car into a moving train, burning to death.  His blood alcohol content was over three times the legal limit.  In other news, Richard Jefferson is still alive.


3. Steve Francis/Cuttino Mobley (1999-2004, Francis - 2008)

The last 'Mobley-jumping-into-or-onto-Francis' picture could not come soon enough.  Looking back at this era, I applaud myself for not jumping off the Rockets ship and straight into a barrel of nitroglycerin.  These lost years were saturated with uncomfortable celebrations, endless answers to interviews starting with "Me and Steve",  and ESPN The Life segments where Cuttino and Steve went to buy matching crotch rockets.  (Believe me, I searched endlessly online for a clip of that glorious episode, but found nothing.  It's probably burning in hell next to Derek Fisher's soul.)  Despite all of the losing and awkwardness, they found the time to somehow master the art of the alley-oop.  The dynamic duo were traded along with Cato for McGrady and others before being separated via another trade in Orlando.  Neither player was the same since...

2. Ryan Bowen (2004-2006)

This one is particularly painful for me.  Not only did he make every guy named "Ryan" seem instantly less talented at basketball, but he shared starting time at power forward with Clarence Weatherspoon during the 2005 playoffs!!  I'm fairly confident I could have matched his averages against the Jazz (18 minutes, 2.6 pts, 2 boards), even if I am nearly a foot shorter and visibly afraid of looking at Carlos Boozer for more than two seconds at a time.  And at least they would have saved money because I'd have played for Scooby Snacks.

1.  Moochie Norris (2000-2003, 2005-2006)

Dear lord, where to begin?  Yes, there was a point in time where the Rockets could send out a who's-who lineup of all-time Rockets greats.  With the Mooch running point with more soul than a 1970s disco dancer, Francis and Mobley lovingly hugging it out after alley-oops, old school Walt Williams launching three after three to no avail, and Griffin and Cato clogging the paint as superbly as a roll of toiler paper,  I honestly can't imagine how the Rockets failed to make the playoffs during that five year span.  Speaking of Moochie, I miss the fro, but not as much as I miss the days when people did this.

Despite my pessimistic tone, I wouldn't change any of these guys.  I'll be a Rockets fan for the rest of my life and if that means having guys like these over players like Luke Walton, I'll be happy.  And just for nostalgia's sake...




-PB

A Halloween Hangover: Top Ten Under-Appreciated Horror Films

 (The Pool Monster from Are You Afraid of The Dark?  My answer as a seven year old boy....yes.)

All my life I've been cursed with an obsession of horror movies.  Maybe it was my sister's fault, seeing as she made me watch the original Halloween when I was six years old.  No matter how long I stayed under my covers in bed from then on out, I was positive the Boogeyman was standing right inside my closet.  Or maybe it was the time I snuck a viewing of Scream on Pay Per View when I was eight (no, I didn't pay for it, but I did watch it on the blurred-out channel with sound that PPV movies were on before DirecTV existed).  Anytime a phone rang in my house after that, you couldn't tell me that it wasn't someone calling from the front porch.  I remember the old newspapers used to come out with TV Guides every Sunday and I would always excitedly check to see if there were any listings for my favorite horror movies with my childhood best friend Reid.  I was like Captain Ahab, except that instead of looking for a white whale, I was looking for Chucky from Child's Play. 

Needless to say, I'm still interested in watching these abominations.  However, after spending most of my life watching these movies I have become more than a little bit desensitized to the effects of horror movies.  The last movie that I actually scared me in a movie theater was The Ring (I know, I'm a little girl, but you tell a 7th grade boy to walk into a pitch black house at 10:30 PM after seeing someone creep out of a television and kill everyone.  I did watch that weird tape during the movie after all, you know.  Plus, I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be out past 10.)  Nowadays my friends and I watch horror movies for the unintentional comedy.  Yes, I was the guy who bought bootlegged copies of Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark DVD's at the age of 20 just so we could laugh at them (who wouldn't have fun with that?)  Which brings me to the point of this inaugural post.  Even though Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, I have been itching like a hound to give you the readers a list of my favorite under-appreciated horror movies.  It's imperative to note that these movies range from creepily scary to creepily hilarious and that many of these movies won't be found at your local Hollywood Video.  Then again, what is at Hollywood Video anymore?

*Please don't watch these with your families.  I don't want to be held responsible when you realize that having your kids watch movies like this might lead to them compiling a ridiculous list of horror movies fifteen years later.


10. Magic (1978) - Directed by Richard Attenborough.  Starring Anthony Hopkins, Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith

More of a melodrama than a horror movie, this movie stars three of my favorite actors (two of which can be purely attributed to Grumpy Old Men).  Based on a recommendation from my friend Cale, this movie was surprisingly intense with plenty of comedic elements and a constant sense of confusion (much like a typical Texas Aggies football season).  Without giving too much away, I'll just say that this: it gives a whole new meaning to harmonica music for me.
*Bonus Points: I watched this movie with a great group of friends on a particularly freezing MLK weekend at our infamous lake house in Austin, affectionately nicknamed The Hydra Station (more on that later).  Because of the cold weather and this silly movie, there may or may not have been a cute girl at the Hydra that I was able to get cozy with.  So melodrama or not, this movie makes my list...Thanks, Hopkins!

9. The Prowler (1981) - Directed by Joseph Zito.  Starring Vicky Dawson, Christopher Goutman

I had never heard of this movie until recently, so for those of you who have been on The Prowler bandwagon for years, I apologize.  One of the major things I got from this movie was the prowess of special effects man Tom Savini.  I had seen a few movies of his, including Friday the 13th and The Burning, but it wasn't until this (as well as this Wikipedia page) that I realized how 'realistic' his works are.  The movie revolves around a killer dressed in vintage military attire who hunts kids as they prepare for a dance.  The dance is complete with a rocking '80s band (completely necessary for an '80s horror movie), and some creative kills, the last of which is explosive and mildly hilarious.


8. Amusement (2009) Directed by John Simpson.  Starring Keir O'Donnell, Katheryn Winnick, Jessica Lucas.

My first advice for most movies is to not watch the preview.  ( know I have attached links to some of the trailers for these movies, but it's my first ever post and I'm excited to use all of the features, so give me a break).  Many times, lower budget movies are the worst films to watch previews for because it's common for the editors to confuse "preview" with "summary of movie in two minutes".  I saw this movie at the store a few times and immediately laughed at the front cover.  However, when I finally sold out and watched it, I became a huge fan.  Not just because Katheryn Winnick might be the most gorgeous girl in any of the movies on this list, but also because I now find Keir O'Donnell frightening for a completely different reason other than his role as the creepy younger brother in Wedding Crashers.
*I looked up Katheryn Winnick to see if she had been in any other movies than this one...and found a little film called Satan's Little Helper.  After about 5 minutes I had to stop because I quickly realized I need my friends because I am NOT getting through that one alone..

7. Candyman (1992) - Directed by Bernard Rose.  Starring Virginia Madsen, Tony Todd, Xander Berkeley

Tony Todd is perfect for this role. The premise is an old urban legend that is very similar to "Bloody Mary", based on a short story by the dude who came up with Hellraiser.  Half of the creepiness isn't just the Candyman himself, but the urban setting that the characters are placed in.  Coming from a guy who lived in the suburbs his whole life, I know I wouldn't want to explore the projects like Virginia Madsen bravely does.  This movie isn't without its unintentional humor, because any time you can fly out of a window backwards, you've gotta do it.
*On another trip to the Hydra, my friend Janisch got a friend of a friend, who was a complete stranger to all of us, to turn out the bathroom lights and say "Candyman" three times in front of the mirror.  When she found out why he made her do it, she left the next day and none of us have seen her since.  (Maybe we haven't seen her ever again because she goes to a completely different school, but that notion severely hurts my implication that the Candyman got her, so I'll leave that part out).

6. Cube (1997) - Directed by Vincenzo Natali.  Starring Nicole de Boer, Maurice Dean Wint.

Ah, Cube, one of the best movies nobody has ever heard of.  My friends Wellborn and Heather clued me in to this vastly underrated movie that had all of the best parts of the Saw series (traps and twists), and only some of the worst parts (not nearly as much over-the-top gore is a plus; some baaaad sequels are a negative).  However, Cube, a mysterious Canadian film that takes place entirely inside a seemingly never-ending, ahem, cube, will keep you on the edge of your seat while remaining more disorienting than the idea of Zach Randolph being an NBA all-star.

5. Hatchet (2006) - Directed by Adam Green.  Starring Joel Moore, Tamera Feldman, Deon Richmond

No, this is not based on the kid's book by Gary Paulsen. What this movie lacks in plane crash surviving children it makes up for with an overabundance of gore.  Hatchet is the epitome of this list.  With some surprisingly hilarious characters and plenty of thrills, this film's tagline "old school American horror" is true to the bone.  Taking place during Marti Gras in Louisiana, the film's hatchet-wielding murderer, Victor Crowley (portrayed by former Jason Vorhees, Kane Hodder), goes to incredible lengths to get his kills taken care of, all of which I'll leave out for my family's sake of reading this post.  So watch out for over-the-top massacring and high-profile horror icon cameos, including Robert Englund and Tony Todd. 

4. Sleepaway Camp (1983) - Directed by Robert Hiltzik.  Starring Felissa Rose, Mike Kellin

This "campy" cult classic is most notable for it's shocking twist ending.  Yes, the ending was such a surprise that I would have ranked Sleepaway Camp this highly without even seeing the rest of the movie.  However, there are plenty of things present in this film other than the big surprise that you would want in any horror movie.  Whether it's the sleazy cook getting a pot of boiling water to the face or the surprisingly childish slutty girl getting a not-so-blog-friendly demise in her cabin, this movie is the type of campy horror film that Hatchet emulates.  Needless to say, go into this movie without reading anything about it, otherwise you'll be as disappointed as I was the time my friend Janisch ruined the ridiculous ending to Orphan for me the day I was going to see it.  You're the worst J-Train, that movie would have been awesome.

3a. Wrong Turn (2003) - Directed by Rob Schmidt.  Starring Eliza Dushku, Desmond Harrington, Emmanuelle Chriqui
3b. Cabin Fever (2003) - Directed by Eli Roth.  Starring Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, James DeBello

These two movies will forever be interchangeable amongst me and my friends.  I had just finished my last day of school in 8th grade and my friends and I thought we would be really cool if we snuck into that horror movie starring Shawn from Boy Meets World.  Much to our surprise, we saw the previews to that movie, Cabin Fever, while we waited to see something called Wrong Turn.  After our initial disappointment, we were relieved when the actual movie we saw turned out to be both hilarious and scary, an obvious prerequisite for any good horror movie.  Although laughing at inbreeding may not be politically correct, I'm not a politician, so I'll continue to laugh away.
When I finally got the chance to see Cabin Fever, I was just as impressed.  Eli Roth's directorial debut was both disturbing and funny, and both movies I felt like I really connected with the characters and lamented their impending deaths, with the exception of this guy.

2. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) - Directed by Scott Glosserman.  Starring Nathan Baesel, Robert Englund, Angela Goethals

More intentionally funny than the rest of the movies in this post, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is a smart, creative horror movie that plays on the genre's norms.  The film revolves around a film crew that is making a documentary on a prospective serial killer as he prepares for a killing spree while revealing tricks of the trade.  Leslie Vernon has an uncanny ability to draw the audience in with his macabre humor, including his humorous take on how much cardio serial killers must do in order to maintain a slow, menacing appearance.  Robert Englund's character's less-than-subtle homage to Dr. Loomis is the icing to the cake for this gem that will surprise you with its originality.

1. The Burning (1981) - Directed by Tony Maylam.  Starring Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, and Brian Backer.

The Burning has anything and everything you would want from an '80s slasher film.  This is one of the more underrated killers of its time, starting with his awesome origin (hey man, if you're on fire: stop, drop, and roll), his name (can there really be a better name for a serial killer than Cropsy?), or his method of killing (suffice it to say, this movie is shear terror).  Jason Alexander makes his film debut and it's as if it's George Costanza himself at the doomed summer camp, as he is nearly identical to Seinfeld's best friend, though this was filmed nearly ten years before.  I almost expected Kramer and Newman to arrive at the camp at some point to be sheared to death by Cropsy.  Holly Hunter also makes her screen debut, although after seeing the movie twice I'm still at a loss as to who exactly she is (I am not a Saving Grace aficionado, I guess).  Plus, you can never count out seeing a young George Minkowski from Lost getting his hand chopped off (sorry for the spoiler, but the reference had to be done).  Overall, my favorite underrated horror film of all time.
*Bonus points to this movie for Alfred, portrayed by Fast Times' Brian Backer.  He is a spitting image of my friend Wellborn, so of course when his character turned out to be nearly as creepy and awkward as Cropsy himself, my friends and I let him have it. 

After all of my utter nonsense, I think it's necessary to point out that you can't expect these movies to be as incredible as the more well known horror classics.  At the end of the day, there's probably a reason why most of these movies have fallen through the cracks into obscurity.  However, if you go into these movies with low expectations (especially with a group of friends with a sense of humor), you might be surprised at how much you like them.

-PB