For better or for worse, the Houston Rockets have, in many ways, shaped my life. My family still loves to tell everyone how I would always cry when they lost growing up ("They just lost to the worst team in the league!") and the image of John Stockton hitting that three pointer on Barkley to go to the NBA Championship still haunts me and, while I am not a psychologist, may very well be the reason why I am still single. Karl Malone set a
moving pick! (No, I'm not bitter.) Oh, well, have fun trying to beat Jordan in the next round, Jazz.
The Rockets have had some amazing players over the past fifteen years ("If it's good enough for Scola, then it's good enough for me"). However, as with anything else in life, I find humor in the most bizarre things...so without further ado, here is my list of the most ridiculous players to ever don a Rockets jersey in my lifetime.
10. Eric Piatkowski (2003-2004)
If I was 6'7'', I'm pretty sure I could get away with being the last man on the bench on an NBA team, not to mention take photographs that make me look like I'm a televangelist. Wait, maybe Piatkowski was on to something.
9. Bonzi Wells (2006-2008)
Bonzi was in the same mold as Ron Artest, minus the hilarity. In fact, the two played together in Sacramento, where Bonzi played well enough that Ron Artest offered to forgo his entire salary to keep Bonzi on the team. Sounds like Crazy Pills (I thought about putting Artest on this list, but decided it would be way too easy). However, Bonzi felt that the 5 year, $38 million contract the Kings offered prior to the 2006 season was an insult. His grandiose expectations of landing a bigger contract turned out to be nothing but delusions of grandeur, as Bonzi eventually gave in to the bitter reality that no one else would offer that much and signed a 2 year, $4 million contract with Houston. This is the same guy who admitted he ate fast food about three times a day when he was a young gun in Portland. Needless to say, his Rockets career was as random and inconsistent as the meat from Taco Bell and he was eventually shipped to New Orleans.
8. Pete Chilcutt (1994-1996)
Chilly Pete is an NBA champion. Let that sink in for a moment. He actually had a surprisingly long-lived NBA career that spanned nearly ten years and seven teams. He took over for Matt Bullard during the team's second NBA championship season, cementing the myth that as long as you're tall and can shoot there will be a place in the league for you.
7. Kelvin Cato (1999-2004)
With a top-notch, alliteration-friendly name, not to mention a tie in to an underrated
character from
Lost, it would have only been fitting for Cato to be the centerpiece for championship-winning Houston teams. Alas, Cato was a part of the 'blockbuster' trade that sent our two lovable alley-oopers (more on them later) to Orlando for a player who would eventually be nicknamed Knee-Mac. Sometimes the world isn't fair.
6. The White Point Guards of the Late '90s
Matt Maloney (1996-1999) Brent Price (1996-1999) Bryce Drew (1998-2000)
Yeah, these are three separate players, but at the end of the day...are they really? They single-handedly ruined what could have been a magical run during the twilight of Olajuwon, Drexler, and Barkley's careers. Maloney, in particular, was absolutely brutalized by John Stockton in the 1997 Western Conference Finals. If the Rockets had a starting point guard that didn't go to to an Ivy League school, we could have been the team that Chicago destroyed in Jordan's last two championship years! Brent Price was plagued by injuries during his sporadic NBA career (the knee brace in his player card could
not be more fitting), while Bryce Drew was what Gordon Hayward will eventually become: a decent player who was overhyped by an impressive NCAA tournament and later fell into NBA obscurity.
5. Walt Williams (1999-2002)
Walt Williams was the man. He wore knee-high socks in honor of George Gervin and had an overall old-school feel to his game. That old-school style included shooting nothing but three pointers and not playing even a hint of actual defense. Prior to his glory days as a Rocket, Walt was featured in Hootie and the Blowfish's bizarre music video to "
I Only Wanna Be With You." Because anytime you can incorporate Walt Williams, Alonzo Mourning, Dan Marino and ESPN anchors in a music video for a pretty great song that has nothing to do with sports, you've gotta do it. Oh, the '90s....
4. Eddie Griffin (2002-2003)
Easily the most tragic player on this list, Eddie Griffin had an incredible amount of potential. He had decent range while possessing an ability to block a basketball that only Kelvin Cato could match. In order to get him, they traded three draft picks (one of them the rights to Richard Jefferson). Right in line with most of the moves the Rockets made during this time period, the Eddie Griffin trade did not pan out. Besides his inconsistent play, Griffin suffered from alcoholism, and the Rockets eventually released him after erratic behavior. He played his final years in Minnesota. He was arrested on one occasion for driving under the influence while watching porn in his car. If that wasn't disturbing enough, Griffin died in 2007 after crashing his car into a moving train, burning to death. His blood alcohol content was over three times the legal limit. In other news, Richard Jefferson is still alive.
3. Steve Francis/Cuttino Mobley (1999-2004, Francis - 2008)
The last 'Mobley-jumping-into-or-onto-Francis' picture could not come soon enough. Looking back at this era, I applaud myself for not jumping off the Rockets ship and straight into a barrel of nitroglycerin. These lost years were saturated with uncomfortable celebrations, endless answers to interviews starting with "Me and Steve", and ESPN
The Life segments where Cuttino and Steve went to buy matching crotch rockets. (Believe me, I searched endlessly online for a clip of that glorious episode, but found nothing. It's probably burning in hell next to Derek Fisher's soul.) Despite all of the losing and awkwardness, they found the time to somehow master the art of the
alley-oop. The dynamic duo were traded along with Cato for McGrady and others before being separated via another trade in Orlando. Neither player was the same since...
2. Ryan Bowen (2004-2006)
This one is particularly painful for me. Not only did he make every guy named "Ryan" seem instantly less talented at basketball, but he shared starting time at power forward with Clarence Weatherspoon during the 2005 playoffs!! I'm fairly confident I could have matched his averages against the Jazz (18 minutes, 2.6 pts, 2 boards), even if I am nearly a foot shorter and visibly afraid of looking at Carlos Boozer for more than two seconds at a time. And at least they would have saved money because I'd have played for Scooby Snacks.
1. Moochie Norris (2000-2003, 2005-2006)
Dear lord, where to begin? Yes, there was a point in time where the Rockets could send out a who's-who lineup of all-time Rockets greats. With the Mooch running point with more soul than a 1970s disco dancer, Francis and Mobley lovingly hugging it out after alley-oops, old school Walt Williams launching three after three to no avail, and Griffin and Cato clogging the paint as superbly as a roll of toiler paper, I honestly can't imagine how the Rockets failed to make the playoffs during that five year span. Speaking of Moochie, I miss the fro, but not as much as I miss the days when people did
this.
Despite my pessimistic tone, I wouldn't change any of these guys. I'll be a Rockets fan for the rest of my life and if that means having guys like these over players like Luke Walton, I'll be happy.
And just for nostalgia's sake...
-
PB
