Top Five Christmas Songs

Hey guys, I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas or holidays or simply a great break from school or work. Me, I'm spending this Christmas staring into the black abyss that is my post-collegiate life. Donations and prayers are greatly appreciated.

So, in that vein of the holiday spirit, I give to you the Top Five Christmas Songs that you should give to your friends and loved ones. There really isn't rhyme or reason to this list and it isn't in any particular order. Now then, sit back with your favorite egg nog, relax with a warm cup of Glühwein, and take in the overwhelming Tour de Force that is this holiday list.

5. For your resident hipster: Anything from the Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas series




While most people won't think that this song stands out in comparison with the other gems on these albums, let's take a moment and commend Sufjan Stevens for not taking the usual sappy, string-laden route with Christmas songs. Instead, he comes out blaring with wall of distorted electric guitars. I imagine if Kurt Cobain had to write a Christmas song (Although that would probably mean he was a sell out. Better get that shotgun ready... [too soon?]) it would sound a bit like this. Yet, if you listen to the lyrics they are as tender and intimate as one of his more famous songs, "Casimir Pulaski Day". It's further proof that whatever the musical genre is, you can count on Sufjan to deliver.

4.5. However...if your tastes are more traditional, then here's your Christmas groove:



While it might not be strictly a Christmas song, it is on the album and it is one of my favorite Sufjan songs of all time. Growing up going to church, I have become mostly desensitized to church hymns. But, this song touches me every time and really makes me reexamine where I'm at in life, which is very appropriate this time of year.

4. For Red (you know who you are), "When it's Christmas Time in Texas", George Strait

(Sorry for the poor audio quality. Stupid country hipsters and their love of vinyl!!!)



George Strait is still cool. There, I said it.


But seriously, the George Strait Christmas album cassette tape was constantly on in my mom's car when I was a kid. I don't know if we still have that cassette, but I doubt that we could play it today if we did have it because it would be simply worn out. Besides, it very accurately describes the very un-winterlike weather in Texas around Christmastime. Merry Christmas, y'all!

3. For the guy in your group that wants to recreate the 60s and 70s, "Merry Christmas, Baby", Otis Redding



I sincerely hope that everyone has one of these guys in their group. Not only do you get to hear some great throwback songs every now and then, you're almost guaranteed to steer clear of a drum machine or synthesizer. And we wouldn't want that at all. Anyway, this is song really is a gem because, after all, everyone needs some soul in Christmas.

2. For Zooey, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", She & Him



So...uh...it's obvious I have feelings for you, Zooey. So, why don't you ditch that Death Cab and go out with me? I have mistletoe and eggnog! I even plugged you in my blog!

1.5. BONUS!!! "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by the Houston Rockets!



I have no defense for this song. Really. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this the reason that God is striking down Yao Ming via the foot/ankle. You can only ruin his son's birthday so much before He exacts his revenge. Here, in the form of missing the NBA playoffs.

1. For young and old, "Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby



Ok, so I know that David Bowie isn't exactly young and hip anymore, but this has to be one of the most random Christmas songs ever. Let's start with the premise of the video. David and Bing apparently live in the same Mister Rogers neighborhood. And it's not too unusual for David to come over from time to time and just start talking about their kids and even sing a bit. Totally random. However, for all of the "What the heck?" moments in the video, David and Bing manage to pull off a Christmas classic. Harmonies and singing in rounds are some of the best modes of music, and they do both well in this song. Unfortunately, Mr. White Christmas would pass on shortly after the recording of this video, but David Bowie is still with us (but apparently in space).

So there you have it. I hope all of you enjoyed this list. But most of all I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas with their friends and family! Happy Holidays and Frohe Weihnachten!

For the Heat, A New Transfusion of Blood Hopes to Bring True Play

For those with their sarcasm meters turned off, this is an article à la The Onion.

By: Nick Bunce, Associated Press

MIAMI- After a disappointing 8-7 start to the season, many observing the Miami Heat are searching for answers.

"I don't know. It seems that you just can't throw some superstars together to make a super-team, I guess", said team trainer, Michael Ross. "We're all just looking for something that will bring the team together."

Indeed, the early season for the Heat has only been disillusioning, as they were projected to go 79-3 and win both the NBA Championship and the Championship of the Universe representing Team Earth. By all indications, the team has fallen far short of that, despite having All-Stars LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh on the team.

"You know, all the responsibility rests on me," quipped James after their most recent 104-95 loss to the Orlando Magic. "All of us, but really myself, really need to step up our, or my, game. "But I really want to make a difference, getting the most points, assists, and steals for myself regardless of what the outcome of the game is."

However, after their loss to the Magic, the Heat may have stumbled onto some sorcery of their own. Before the team separated for Thanksgiving, the team contacted renowned occultist Dr. Konrad von Wittigenstein on possibly trying to gain a new edge on the court. Although, Dr. von Wittigenstein declined comment himself, sources close to the team have said that the new plan involves James, Wade and Bosh transfusing their own blood into each other.

The plan is, that by transfusing each other's blood into each other, they will all will have the ablilities that they each posess. "All 3 of them will have James' vision, Wade's agility, and Bosh's shooting," said an unnamed team source. "The new LeChris Bowaderon will lead our team to victory and glory! Sieg, Heil!"

Other occult experts say that this builds on work previously abandonded by the Nazis in the 1940s.

While other efforts by the Nazis, such as finding the Lost Ark of the Covenant and searching for the actual Holy Grail, have turned out less than successful, the SS had stumbled upon a real stroke of genius in blood transfusions near the end of the war in 1945. If it weren't for a top secret initiative led by American university professors, the Nazis may have turned the tide of the war.

Now, the Miami Heat hope to turn the tide of their season.

When asked about their new plan, James was reluctant to divulge details, but he had this to say: "Imma be takin my talent to Berlin for awhile. For...uh...ya know...tests." Those tests are rumored to be wildly successful. While Wade's and Bosh's blood tested AB+ (a universal recipient), James' blood was rumored to contain the blood of several million Cleveland residents who were recently murdered in a bizzare and inexplicable event this summer. Even so, the transfusion was successful, and the team hopes for all three players to rejoin the team for Friday's game against the Philadelphia 76ers.

"We hope to honor Wilt Chamberlain's legacy in Philadelphia by having all three players break his record of 100 points in a single game," said Ross.

While most Miami fans were enthusiastic about the news, many around the league decried the use of such performance enhancing magic in the NBA. "We already have rumors of the Los Angeles Lakers using ancient Egyptian methods to give Kobe Bryant an extra edge," said NBA Commissioner, David Stern. "With so much of sports today cast into doubt, we do not need any performance enhancing magic on the court."

Perhaps the most vehement opponent of the Heat's new tatics, are the Houston Rockets, who appear to be haunted by an apparition, which appears to only appear in the fourth quarter (and by "everything" Yao means "a paranormal demon bent on my destruction [most likely point of entry: the foot]").

All in all, the rest of the season is looking up, if not more interesting. Heat head coach Eric Spoelstra agreed, "Even though we've already tried sacrificing virgins at the altar to satisfy Pat Riley (May he live forever!) and thus extend his life by 50 more years, it seems that it wasn't able to give us an edge against the rest of the Eastern Conference. But, you know, this might be the best thing that's happened to us so far."

LeChris Bowaderon was not available for comment.

The Tuesday Top Ten: Most Ridiculous Houston Rockets Players

For better or for worse, the Houston Rockets have, in many ways, shaped my life.  My family still loves to tell everyone how I would always cry when they lost growing up ("They just lost to the worst team in the league!") and the image of John Stockton hitting that three pointer on Barkley to go to the NBA Championship still haunts me and, while I am not a psychologist, may very well be the reason why I am still single.  Karl Malone set a moving pick!  (No, I'm not bitter.)  Oh, well, have fun trying to beat Jordan in the next round, Jazz.

The Rockets have had some amazing players over the past fifteen years ("If it's good enough for Scola, then it's good enough for me").  However, as with anything else in life, I find humor in the most bizarre things...so without further ado, here is my list of the most ridiculous players to ever don a Rockets jersey in my lifetime.

 10.  Eric Piatkowski (2003-2004)

 If I was 6'7'', I'm pretty sure I could get away with being the last man on the bench on an NBA team, not to mention take photographs that make me look like I'm a televangelist.  Wait, maybe Piatkowski was on to something.

9. Bonzi Wells (2006-2008)

 Bonzi was in the same mold as Ron Artest, minus the hilarity.  In fact, the two played together in Sacramento, where Bonzi played well enough that Ron Artest offered to forgo his entire salary to keep Bonzi on the team.  Sounds like Crazy Pills (I thought about putting Artest on this list, but decided it would be way too easy).  However, Bonzi felt that the 5 year, $38 million contract the Kings offered prior to the 2006 season was an insult.  His grandiose expectations of landing a bigger contract turned out to be nothing but delusions of grandeur, as Bonzi eventually gave in to the bitter reality that no one else would offer that much and signed a 2 year, $4 million contract with Houston.  This is the same guy who admitted he ate fast food about three times a day when he was a young gun in Portland.  Needless to say, his Rockets career was as random and inconsistent as the meat from Taco Bell and he was eventually shipped to New Orleans.

8. Pete Chilcutt (1994-1996)

Chilly Pete is an NBA champion.  Let that sink in for a moment.  He actually had a surprisingly long-lived NBA career that spanned nearly ten years and seven teams.  He took over for Matt Bullard during the team's second NBA championship season, cementing the myth that as long as you're tall and can shoot there will be a place in the league for you. 


7. Kelvin Cato (1999-2004)

With a top-notch, alliteration-friendly name, not to mention a tie in to an underrated character from Lost, it would have only been fitting for Cato to be the centerpiece for championship-winning Houston teams.  Alas, Cato was a part of the 'blockbuster' trade that sent our two lovable alley-oopers (more on them later) to Orlando for a player who would eventually be nicknamed Knee-Mac.  Sometimes the world isn't fair.

6. The White Point Guards of the Late '90s
Matt Maloney (1996-1999)      Brent Price (1996-1999)       Bryce Drew (1998-2000)

Yeah, these are three separate players, but at the end of the day...are they really?  They single-handedly ruined what could have been a magical run during the twilight of Olajuwon, Drexler, and Barkley's careers.  Maloney, in particular, was absolutely brutalized by John Stockton in the 1997 Western Conference Finals.  If the Rockets had a starting point guard that didn't go to to an Ivy League school, we could have been the team that Chicago destroyed in Jordan's last two championship years!  Brent Price was plagued by injuries during his sporadic NBA career (the knee brace in his player card could not be more fitting), while Bryce Drew was what Gordon Hayward will eventually become: a decent player who was overhyped by an impressive NCAA tournament and later fell into NBA obscurity.

5. Walt Williams (1999-2002)

Walt Williams was the man.  He wore knee-high socks in honor of George Gervin and had an overall old-school feel to his game.  That old-school style included shooting nothing but three pointers and not playing even a hint of actual defense.  Prior to his glory days as a Rocket, Walt was featured in Hootie and the Blowfish's bizarre music video to "I Only Wanna Be With You."  Because anytime you can incorporate Walt Williams, Alonzo Mourning, Dan Marino and ESPN anchors in a music video for a pretty great song that has nothing to do with sports, you've gotta do it.  Oh, the '90s....


4. Eddie Griffin (2002-2003)

Easily the most tragic player on this list, Eddie Griffin had an incredible amount of potential.  He had decent range while possessing an ability to block a basketball that only Kelvin Cato could match.  In order to get him, they traded three draft picks (one of them the rights to Richard Jefferson).  Right in line with most of the moves the Rockets made during this time period, the Eddie Griffin trade did not pan out.  Besides his inconsistent play, Griffin suffered from alcoholism, and the Rockets eventually released him after erratic behavior.  He played his final years in Minnesota.  He was arrested on one occasion for driving under the influence while watching porn in his car.  If that wasn't disturbing enough, Griffin died in 2007 after crashing his car into a moving train, burning to death.  His blood alcohol content was over three times the legal limit.  In other news, Richard Jefferson is still alive.


3. Steve Francis/Cuttino Mobley (1999-2004, Francis - 2008)

The last 'Mobley-jumping-into-or-onto-Francis' picture could not come soon enough.  Looking back at this era, I applaud myself for not jumping off the Rockets ship and straight into a barrel of nitroglycerin.  These lost years were saturated with uncomfortable celebrations, endless answers to interviews starting with "Me and Steve",  and ESPN The Life segments where Cuttino and Steve went to buy matching crotch rockets.  (Believe me, I searched endlessly online for a clip of that glorious episode, but found nothing.  It's probably burning in hell next to Derek Fisher's soul.)  Despite all of the losing and awkwardness, they found the time to somehow master the art of the alley-oop.  The dynamic duo were traded along with Cato for McGrady and others before being separated via another trade in Orlando.  Neither player was the same since...

2. Ryan Bowen (2004-2006)

This one is particularly painful for me.  Not only did he make every guy named "Ryan" seem instantly less talented at basketball, but he shared starting time at power forward with Clarence Weatherspoon during the 2005 playoffs!!  I'm fairly confident I could have matched his averages against the Jazz (18 minutes, 2.6 pts, 2 boards), even if I am nearly a foot shorter and visibly afraid of looking at Carlos Boozer for more than two seconds at a time.  And at least they would have saved money because I'd have played for Scooby Snacks.

1.  Moochie Norris (2000-2003, 2005-2006)

Dear lord, where to begin?  Yes, there was a point in time where the Rockets could send out a who's-who lineup of all-time Rockets greats.  With the Mooch running point with more soul than a 1970s disco dancer, Francis and Mobley lovingly hugging it out after alley-oops, old school Walt Williams launching three after three to no avail, and Griffin and Cato clogging the paint as superbly as a roll of toiler paper,  I honestly can't imagine how the Rockets failed to make the playoffs during that five year span.  Speaking of Moochie, I miss the fro, but not as much as I miss the days when people did this.

Despite my pessimistic tone, I wouldn't change any of these guys.  I'll be a Rockets fan for the rest of my life and if that means having guys like these over players like Luke Walton, I'll be happy.  And just for nostalgia's sake...




-PB