Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part III)

(The Hamburglar)

Part I
Part II

L’Morte d’Hamburglar

While the chaos around the Cornucopia ensues, The Hamburglar begins his hunt.   He, as always, is a man possessed.  He weaves in and out of the carnage.  To his left Nic Cage is engaged in a ferocious fight with Wonka (apparently over a backpack full of candy and cash, neither of which interests The ‘Burg).  To his right, Achilles is lazily strolling around the Cornucopia, seemingly trying to find the best place to tan, having just half-heartedly dispensed of Yossarian.  In front of him, Nic Cage is digging through supplies, rapidly pocketing food…wait, didn’t I just see Nic Cage, The Hamburglar thinks.  He brushes it off and continues his quest…his quest for hamburgers. 

After about ten minutes of digging through backpacks at the Cornucopia and avoiding getting killed by the other combatants, The Hamburglar is perturbed.  Where are the hamburgers? he thinks, I don’t mind them being hidden, stealing is part of the thrill, but I thought surely they’d have stored some near the Cornucopia.  Could they be in the woods?  He’s had no trouble avoiding attacks so far, HB is sly and elusive, and he decides now is the time to team up with one of the others, maybe they can help each other.  He heads away from the Cornucopia, towards the woods, and within minutes he sees just the girl he’s looking for.  She’s sitting in a tree twenty yards away, watching, bow in hand, an arrow pointing directly at his head.  “Don’t shoot,” HB calls out, “I think we can help each other.”  “How?” replies the girl.  “Katniss, right?”  HB remembers briefly running into her at the Tributes’ reception dinner as he was on his way to swipe a nice medium-well bleu cheese from the buffet table.  “Yes,” she says, warily, “how are you going to help me, aren’t you that guy who is obsessed with hamburgers?”  “Right you are Katniss.  You have a good memory,” it’s time for the ‘Burg to turn on the charm, anything to get the precious hamburgers.  “I don’t want to kill you or anyone else Katniss, all I want is ground beef, and all you want is to stay alive.  I’ve been a thief for thirty years now, Katniss.  I don’t have money as result, but what I do have is a very special set of skills, skills that will make me a very valuable ally to someone like you, someone who needs to hide and needs to stealthily find food.”  “I can do that myself,” Katniss says flatly, “I’ve been doing it all my life.  Besides, what would you get from me?”  “You’ve been here before,” HB continues, un-phased, “you know where they’ll have hidden the burgers, tell me Katniss, tell me where the burgers are and I’ll use all my guile and knowledge to help you survive as long as I can.”  Katniss doesn’t respond immediately, she must be considering it, I’ve made her a fair offer, The Hamburglar thinks.  “Do you really think there are hamburgers in the arena?” Katniss asks, lowering her bow for a moment, stunned by the Burglar’s proposal.  “What do you mean ‘no hamburgers in the arena’?”  HB asks, genuinely puzzled.  “This is a game of survival, hamburgers are a luxury.  The Gamemakers absolutely did not put any hamburgers in the arena,” Katniss replies, still somewhat flummoxed by the line of questioning she is receiving but earnestly trying to get across the facts to this poor, confused individual, “this is a world without hamburgers.” 

The Hamburglar stares at this strange girl, a world without hamburgers?  What would that be?  This girl must be lying to me and I have to admit she is very creative, to conceive of a world in which there are no hamburgers.  What a concept!  But then again, she has been in the arena before, and why would she lie to me when I’m offering her protection?  Could it be true?  The Hamburglar, suddenly light-headed, falls to one knee, his mind spinning.  If there are no hamburgers…what do I steal?  If I can’t steal, what do I do?  Why am I here? ... Am I here?  My acknowledgement of my own existence has always been grounded in a purpose for my being.  Has my presupposition, that there is an objectively real and eternal physical world in which I am able, nay created, to steal delicious hamburgers, thereby rationalizing my own cosmic existence, been false?  My sense of purpose is my identity, my identity and confidence that I exist is, and has always been, the barometer against which I test the truth of all other propositions!! I steal, therefore I am! But if have no burgers to steal, am I? What is truly real? What is truth?!

Katniss, still up in the tree, staring at the poor, ontologically-challenged man, blinks.  And in that short amount of time, the millisecond in which her eyelids close over her dark pupils, something happens to The Hamburglar.  He vanishes.  In literally the blink of an eye, The Hamburglar simply ceases to exist.  One minute he was shaking on one knee, obviously conflicted, his mind racing frantically to grasp something…something.  The next moment, he’s gone…what is a Hamburglar in a world without Big Macs?  I suppose the sponsors could have sent him some burgers if he’d have asked, I guess he didn’t know…Katniss thinks to herself, oh well…                           

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: THE HAMBURGLAR

 (Willy Loman)

Death of a Salesman?

Willy Loman is in the woods, alone. 

It's midday and Willy has been sitting under a tree for about an hour.  Having sprinted, once the timer went off, as fast as his old legs could take him away from the Cornucopia (he managed to grab only a cigarette lighter near his pedestal), Willy has been hiding in the trees, struggling in vain to collect himself and devise a strategy.   He’d met everyone before the Games began, he shaken as many hands as he could, he thought he was well-liked amongst the competitors, but no one joined with him at the Cornucopia, and now he sits in the woods, alone.  They must not want to fight me, Willy thinks to himself, after all, who wants to kill someone they like, someone they respect? Yes, they probably thought it best simply to avoid a situation in which they must battle their friend.  His thoughts drift for awhile, oscillating between plans to find food and envisioning how great it’ll be when he really needs help and all the other competitors he met, who he laughed with, will come to his aid once they see him in a dire situation, or, if he died, how heartbroken they’d be when his face was projected onto the night sky announcing him recently deceased.  They may all salute him!  Certainly there would at least be respects paid…Eventually, Willy stands up and begins to make his way deeper into the woods, alone.     

Night finally falls.  The forest is dark as Willy wanders through the woods, lost, child-like.  He needs to find shelter; he needs to prove himself to Biff.  Biff, he thinks, he could have been such a great man, so much potential…Willy shakes himself out of his daydream, he has to concentrate.  Trudging warily between the trees Willy fights to keep himself in the present but he continues to lose focus…his thoughts go to Biff.  Then, suddenly, he hears something from his right.  It sounded like a branch, broken underfoot, Willy thinks.  He can’t see more two feet in front of him, the cigarette lighter from the Cornucopia providing the only light.  Too afraid to move closer and investigate the sound Willy calls out shakily, “who’s there? Who is it?”  Slowly, darkly, threateningly comes the rejoinder, “It’s a meeeeeee…..Mario.”  Before Willy can think there’s a comic sounding, BOING, as Mario flies high into the air, one fist raised, the other at his side.  He comes crashing down on Willy’s head, completely flattening him…

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION:  WILLY LOMAN

END OF PART III

1)    Achilles - 1/3

2)    Dalton - 10/1

3)    Katniss - 20/1

4)    Super Mario - 30/1

5)    Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)    Nic Cage - 40/1

7)    Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)    Kate Austen– 60/1

9)    Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lennie – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

      24) Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part II)

("You can't win!" - Adrian Balboa)

(For Part One, click here.)

The Games Begin

It's early morning and eerily quiet as the contestants’ pedals begin to raise them from their individual holding rooms underground and into the arena, introducing the tributes to a bright clear sky and a sunny field in front of them.  The tributes, now listening to the starting clock ticking down ominously, are arranged on their individual pedestals in a circle around a large metal Cornucopia.  Inside the circle of contestants are randomly scattered weapons, backpacks, and other survival-related paraphernalia, the most vital of which is collected in a large pile near the base of the Cornucopia.  The tributes, taking in their surroundings, notice the arena is largely wooded.  Aside from the sizeable field in which they are now standing, the arena is comprised primarily of dense woods, thick with shrub-like vegetation and towering trees.  Katniss quietly rejoices at her familiar surroundings.  Only one side of the field offers a different view.  Out of one side of the woods encircling the Cornucopia flows a violent river.  Out of the woods, the river continues towards the grassy plain before simply halting 50 yards from the Cornucopia and down a seemingly endless drop into a black abyss below.

46-45-44 The voice, seemingly emanating from the sky, counts down methodically.  Some contestants are nervously examining their surroundings while others are eyeing down the competition.  Some can’t take their eyes of the assortment of items near the Conucopia.   Super Mario’s mustache twitches in anticipation; he’s eyeing the woods already, seemingly uninterested in the fight that will soon take place around the supplies.  Marcia Brady is trying her best to catch the eye of Achilles, Horatio, Yossarian and Dwight Schrute, but unfortunately her pedestal is right next to Helen of Troy’s, a bad break for Marcia as most of her targets are already staring blankly at the Princess of Troy.  After a few seconds she sees Horatio looking at her from a few pedestals to her right.  When she meets his gaze, however, he mouths “MOVE!” with an accompanying waving motion, beckoning poor Marcia to stop obstructing his view of Helen on the podium to her left. 

22-21-20 Achilles is actually sitting down on his pedestal apparently disinterested by the entire event.  Next to him Charlie Kelly is clearly drunk and drooling a bit but looking over at Achilles awestruck, obviously hoping to ride his coattails. 

18-17-16 Adrian Balboa is the only tribute making any noise while the clock ticks down…she’s crying, of course, and not in a way that makes you feel sorry for her.  Dalton, next to her, is meditating in the lotus position but is clearly distracted by the tearful squawking going on right beside him. 

13-12-11 Piggy, Dwight and Steve give a quick nod to each, almost imperceptible but clearly indicating a mutual understanding.

9-8-7 Katniss tenses up, preparing to sprint, while Harry Potter takes one last strategic look around the field, hoping for any sign of magic…

6-5, Charlie vomits, quickly breaking the silence, his speech sloppy, “I’m sorry guys, I founda dead animal in my holding room and ate it ‘cause I got real nervous and Imma a bit drunk, I think it mighta’ had some disease, I…” 4, he vomits again.

3-2 Charlie wipes his mouth and squints over at Achilles, slurring terribly, “Hey, ‘Chilles, d’you wanna beonateam wi”

A deafening trumpet blast signals the start of the Games!!

 (Catch-22)

As soon as the horn blows, Yossarian decides to live forever or die in the attempt.  Where is the boy? he thinks to himself, frantically searching for Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived.  After hearing about how he had avoided certain death to a noseless dark lord, he naturally thought to himself that he either needed to team up with this invincible wizard or at least try to kill him.  As he searches around the arena, he notices Adrian Balboa still bawling her eyes out while remaining motionless on her platform.  If she moves, she will die immediately.  But if she stays, she will be a sitting duck.  He watches as Dwight Schrute, holding some kind of weapon in his hands, walks calmly to the crying woman.

She looks at Dwight with huge, fearful eyes.  She had tried unsuccessfully to form an alliance with Rudy, knowing that he had the same try-hard personality as Rocky, but even he couldn't stand her constant bickering, opting instead to valiantly protect Hester Prynne from certain impending mobs.  Even John McLane knew she was a lost cause, telling her to "get lost" during their final meeting.

Dwight stared at her blankly, trying his best to intimidate her using his sociopathic gaze.

"You can't win!" she screamed at him.

Dwight gave an obnoxious chuckle.  "False.  The probabilities are highly in my favor."  He throws three ninja stars at her mercilessly and watches as she crumples to the ground before abandoning the Cornucopia field and joining Piggy and Steve Urkel near the woods.

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: ADRIAN BALBOA

Yossarian is still searching methodically through the arena for Harry.  He finally spots him, wildly flailing a broom that he had picked up on the very outskirts of the Cornucopia.  Harry didn't dare go near Achilles, who began collecting weapons like Easter eggs.  What caught his eye, however, was a certain golden ball that fluttered past Nic Cage's head (Cage has somehow found a motorcycle and has begun to drive angry around the Cornucopia, picking up as many supplies he can.)  The snitch!

Harry, superiorly trained at seeking, had decided to forego attacking the easy targets (including Charlie Kelly, who was drunkenly army crawling by Harry's feet) in order to find the snitch.  I will surely find the next clue to these 'Games' once I capture the snitch, he thought to himself.  Broom-in-hand, he now takes off like a maniac, following the snitch as if Draco Malfoy threatened to get it first.  The snitch, meanwhile, makes its way directly towards the cliff.  Harry doesn’t worry about it, knowing that although he is not on a Nimbus 3000, he could mount this bad boy.  I'm Harry Freaking Potter, he thinks to himself.

But as soon as he launches off of the cliff, it’s too late.  Yossarian watches in horror as The Boy Who Lived goes freefallin' after what had only been a golden apple that Achilles had callously thrown over Cage's head.

(He chose....poorly.)

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: HARRY POTTER

Yossarian's mind now rambles.  The only way I can win the competition now is by joining Katniss.  But she's won before and doesn't trust novices.  The only way to join Katniss is by winning The Hunger Games. Yet the only way to win is to join her and follow her lead.  The only way Wonka would let me team up with him is if I was insane, but if I told him I was insane, he would immediately know I'm not.  What about Helen of Troy?  She would only team with me if I were a prince, but the only way I can be a prince in here is by teaming up with her...And is that Nic Cage circa Raising Arizona rummaging through the Cornucopia?  Didn't I just see him riding a motorcycle sans mustache?

Yossarian is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't realize Achilles sneaking up behind him until he feels the sharp pain of a spear goring him through the chest.  He collapses to the ground, looking up towards the sun.  This must have been how Snowden felt...

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: JOHN YOSSARIAN

Achilles half-heartedly searches around for anything left to slaughter.  Kate, Wonka, and Nic Cage (who is now off the motorcycle and away from the Cornucopia, sporting different clothing and longerhair) wisely run for their lives into the woods, heading in the same direction as Lennie and Kevin McCallister, the latter of which runs screaming with his hands on his cheeks. He notices Rudy hunched in front of Hester like a defensive lineman a near twenty feet from him.

"You're not harming her.  She's been through enough," he stammers courageously.  Hester subconsciously feels the red 'A' on her corset.

"You are foolish, prince of Notre Dame.  But it is too early in this war for heroes to die," Achilles dismisses.  He turns and watches Horatio, who is busy making his rounds towards the other deaths.  His bright red hair glistens in the sunlight, his dark shades protecting his sensitive eyes from both the rays and the horrid bloodshed left before him.

In regards to Adrian: "I have to consider her...KO'ed."

Peering at Yossarian's impaled body: "It appears he caught a 22...in his chest."

After looking down the river's edge where Harry Potter had fallen: "Looks like he…wand-ered off a cliff.”

 YEAHHHHH! - Horatio Crane

Eager to impress the countless viewers back home with his wit, he searches for another death near him to no avail.  He notices the tense standoff between Achilles and Rudy and, being the successful detective that he is, decides to get closer to the action.  Achilles welcomes the red-haired pun-slinger with amusement as they all stand ten feet from each other.  Rudy doesn't hesitate, rushing towards both his opponents with all the strength of a '90s Fighting Irish defenseman. 

Achilles reacts the only way he knows how: Using the sword he picked up from the Cornucopia, he does a complete 360 spin, cutting through Horatio's stomach and straight through Rudy's neck.  With one last epic move, he throws the sword like a javelin straight through Hester, who had herself picked up a bow and arrow and aimed it at him. 

Horatio, showing no pain and, honestly, no personality, stammered out one last pun:

"I guess I just didn't have...the stomach for this!"

And within a matter of seconds, Achilles had wiped out three more competitors.

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: RUDY, HESTER, AND HORATIO

Achilles looks around the Cornucopia.  There's an awkward silence in the arena.  Everyone has cleared out into the woods, far away from Homer's great warrior.  He looks up in the sky, already lamenting the mundane thought of hunting down each candidate, one by one.  But it was what he was born to do; Agamemnon once said that he was a gifted killer.  It is the only thing he knows.  Taking a seat in the grass next to a dead body, he realizes he is still bored out of his mind.  I just want to get this over with, Achilles thinks to himself, I actually feel sorry that I was chosen to participate in--

"AHH!" Achilles yelps in pain as he feels a sharp bite sink into the arch above his heel.  "What the---"

He stares down at what he thought had been a dead body.  He had dispatched so many of his enemies that he had lost count on who he had actually killed. 

(WILDCARD!) - Charlie Kelly

"WILDCARD!"

Alas, Charlie Kelly, who had drunkenly army crawled all the way to Achilles without being noticed, took a chunk of Achilles' achilles heel right out.  He laughs hysterically, blood dripping from his unkempt beard.  Achilles looks at him in horror, his blood flowing freely like a faucet.  He doesn't understand why the pain is so unreasonable, but he also doesn't take into account how many diseased rats and old cheeses Charlie had stocked up on the night before the Games.  His mouth is a cesspool and deadlier than any weapon he could have found in the Cornucopia.

Achilles falls on his back, his life slowly slipping away.

"Guess you didn't wanna join up after all, ey man?" Charlie sputtered.

"You've fought well, prince of Philly.  Let the gods of the underworld be as noble as yourself."

ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: ACHILLES

Charlie stumbles to his feet.  He looks up at Dalton, who stood in a nearby brush alongside Marcia Brady.

"Charlie, want to team up?" Marcia asked, holding on to a clearly unimpressed Dalton.

"Awwww yeahhhh!  Let's chop cats!  Let's chop cats!"

"Keep it down!" Dalton whispers.  "Never underestimate your opponent."

Charlie runs giddily to his new friends and follows them into the woods.

END OF PART II

1)    Achilles - 1/3

2)    Dalton - 10/1

3)    Katniss - 20/1

4)    Super Mario - 30/1

5)    Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6)    Nic Cage - 40/1

7)    Willy Wonka – 60/1

8)    Kate Austen– 60/1

9)    Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lennie – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

      24) Boo Radley - ? 

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part I)

Welcome to the First Annual Fictional Hunger Games, brought to you by Ryan and myself. We will be acting as both the Gamemakers and the Capitol. Allow me to explain what we’ve got goin’ on here. Seven tributes each will be taken from three different districts representing Movies, Television and Literature, with three more coming from our “wildcard” tributes. They will, obviously, fight to the death in the arena of my mind. Ry and I will take turn narrating. Let’s begin by introducing our randomly selected tributes!

(Willy Wonka - Featured Tribute)

MOVIE DISTRICT - The Movie District will be mentored by widely-claimed awesome dude, John McClain of Die Hard fame.  This group should be well-prepared to deliver fantastic post-killing one-liners. McClain became a Hunger Games sensation when he dominated the competition last year. Representing the Movie District will be:

• Rudy Ruettiger – The famous try-hard and titular character in the movie, Rudy. This should be interesting; he’s clearly determined and tough but he’ll have to watch out for more than a pulling left guard in these games.
• Adrian Balboa - The worst female character in any move, ever. I anticipate that she’ll be largely negative, whiny and will probably drag one of the male favorites down. She may even squeeze in a classic “You can’t win!!” Everyone aim for Adrian (I’ll try to be an unbiased commentator but for AB I’m making an exception).
• Kevin McCallister - This is an interesting entry. He’s small and a child but you can’t say he’s unprepared. This precocious victim of chronic parental neglect is very resourceful has defended him house before.
• Katniss Everdeen - Wow, this poor girl can’t catch a break. She should, however, be a real contender. Her hunting skills and experience in the Games will make surely make her one of the early favorites. (Reminder, this is Katniss from the movie not from the book, no “Catching Fire” influence here. Also, as it is the movie-Katniss, feel free to picture Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, I know I will…)
• Dalton - You may remember this classic Swayze character as a philosophical bouncer with a penchant for ripping out throats and a heart of gold. He has a distinct advantage of being an enlightened drifter, and if that doesn't sell you, his boastful claim of "Pain don't hurt" will, though his downfall could be a pretty young blonde or a loveable loser (Ryan included this to imply Dalton's inevitable pairing with Marcia Brady and Charlie Kelly.  More on them below.)
• Willy Wonka – The Candy Man can? We’ll see…The tables will be somewhat turned on Wonka, who infamously subjected a group of unlucky (but admittedly awful) children to a contest-tour through the sadistic house of horrors he calls a chocolate factory. Certainly these games will be quite the departure from Wonka’s own, undoubtedly acid-influenced, “contest.” This time he will NOT be the master of puppets and there will be no little orange people sing-songing ethical warnings while contestants exit the arena but rather the cold steel of a body-retrieving hover craft and an unceremonious canon blast to announce your “exit” from the games.
• Nicholas Cage – A shocker, a true shocker. Apparently Nic Cage has done so many unremarkable movies lately that he himself has become a fictional character. This “Nic Cage” tribute will likely be some strange amalgam of many of Nic Cage’s recent roles as well as his seemingly fictional real life. He may be a tough competitor though, as he’ll likely bring motor-cycle stunts and an encyclopedic knowledge of American history to the table. Also, he may be a vampire and therefore un-killable, so this must at least be taken into consideration. It’ll be interesting to see what the Vegas odds-makers make of this unexpected and unprecedented entry.

 (Miss Piggy - Featured Tribute)

TELEVISION DISTRICT - Mentored by the ever-soothing (apparently not a real-life sniper, though I remain unconvinced) personality of Mr. Rogers himself. Mr. Rogers had a remarkable and frankly unsettling showing in the games a couple of years ago when he lulled everyone into a false sense of security with his warm tone, slow speech and knitwear… he then proceeded to NOT be very neighborly. Representing the Television District will be:

• Steve Urkel - This looks like an early exit unless Steve can somehow find a way put his science skills to work. Piercing nasally voices and clumsiness do not typically fare well in the games.
• Miss Piggy - The Muppet queen. She’s belligerent, she loves Kermit the Frog, you all know and love her. Well, you all know her at least. Piggy may end up being a force in the arena; she is low to the ground but she’s got some weight to throw around and she's proven on countless occasions that she’s not to be messed with when her fury has been aroused.
• Dwight Schrute - Here is a true competitor and a serious contender. Although he did lose a hand-to-hand battle with Michael Scott, he has no scruples when it comes to survival and he’s good with a bottle of pepper spray.
• Charlie Kelly – The Dayman himself. Charlie strikes me as more of a lover than a fighter, and by lover of course I mean stalker. He tends, also, to be more of a follower (stalker pun INtended) than a leader so it wouldn’t surprise me if he tries to cling on to someone bigger and stronger than himself.
• Marcia Brady - The All-American girl who made her sisters jealous and her brothers swoon. Since Greg Brady won’t be around to hint at any illicit love affairs, Marcia will have to pray that an impressionable young man will take her by the hand and protect her nose from any and all incoming doom.
• Horatio – Although there are more things in heaven and earth, than dreamt of in Horatio’s philosophy, he should still be a rational, competent player that…What’s that? Oh, Horatio from CSI: Miami, I see. Full disclosure, the Gamemakers placed Horatio into the Hunger Games to purely broaden the viewer demographic, and who can do that better than a pun-swinging, sunglass-wearing detective on a CBS procedural drama?
• Kate Austen – The Lost heroine. An intriguing character known for her uncanny ability to track people without any proper training as well as an innate ability to climb trees. If anything, look for her to play tributes against each other in an annoying love triangle.

 (Willy Loman - Featured Tribute)

LITERATURE DISTRICT – The Literature District will be mentored by Waldo of “Where’s Waldo?” fame. Waldo won the Games several years ago when, fortuitously, the Games were held in an arena designed to resemble a giant peppermint factory. Waldo simply disappeared. He was not found until he gave himself up shortly after all the final seven competitors (unable to track down Waldo after weeks of searching) took their own lives in frustration. Only then was Waldo ever spotted (even by the audience), as he came out of hiding to claim victory. Sticking his head out from behind a candy cane and waving, Waldo wore the same closed-mouthed, mild expression he entered the arena with as the announcer proclaimed him winner. Representing the Literature District will be:

• Willy Loman – Traveling salesman, adulterer and generally sad main character of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman…We might get to see a new interpretation of that play in the Games…
• Hester Prynne – (In Michael Buffer voice) Iconic protagonist of American literature, often imitated but never duplicated, known the world over by a single red letterrrrr, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hester “The Puritan Pariahhhhhhh” Paaaaarrrrrryyyyynnnneee!!! Another tough break for poor Hester. We’ll see if she casts a few stones herself or waits to be pushed. If she makes it to the latter part of the games I’d watch for her to team up.
• Harry Potter - YIKES, HP vs. Katniss…the final showdown. Unfortunately for Harry there is no magic in the Hunger Games (unless you count the magic of mortal combat) so we’ll get to see how much of a crutch that wand has become. Maybe a surprise sleeper pick here though, after all, he is “the boy who lived.”
• Yossarian - The bombardier stuck in a Catch-22 during WWII won’t be catching any breaks here in the arena, either. While the only way to get out of the army was by declaring himself insane (which in turn proved his sanity, thus keeping him in the army), the only way Yossarian will get out of the arena is ignoring any debilitating paradoxes…
• Boo Radley - More myth than man, not much can be said of this contestant.
• Helen of Troy – The face that launched a thousand ships. The famous beauty and lover of Paris. She should certainly get plenty of support from the sponsors but I would imagine her best strategy would be to use her looks to manipulate the competition or at the least to secure some protection from one of the stronger male players. By comparison, Marcia Brady now looks only slightly more appealing than Danny DeVito doing hot yoga. Unfortunately for Marcia Marcia Marcia, her “snag a protector” strategy (if that is her strategy…and it is) seems now less likely to succeed.
• Lennie Small – The dim yet faithful farmhand from Of Mice and Men. Although he may not willingly hurt a fly, Lenny’s propensity for crushing bunnies and ranch wives may actually come in handy in the arena. This is especially true if he realizes he is truly “livin’ on the fatta’ the lan’."
  

WILDCARD DISTRICT - Yes, there are three tributes taken from the Wildcard District, there are no rules as to where this fictional character originates. The tributes will be mentored by former wildcard victor, the Jolly Green Giant. The Giant was absolutely dominant in his Games, but he had no excuse not to be, he’s green and enormous. He ended up just playing with other tributes alternating between hiding from them or just seizing them and crushing them with his vegetable-powered vice grip. Representing the Wildcards will be:

• Super Mario - The tiny Italian plumber who vaulted himself to worldwide fame by rescuing the Princess and jumping on things. Unfortunately for Mario there are unlikely to be any size-enhancing mushrooms (besides, we all know Wonka is going straight for any mushrooms in the arena) and he certainly won’t have multiple lives…
• The Hamburglar – The enigmatic burger thief. The dossier on the Hamburglar is incredibly thin. Where have you been Hamburglar? Why is it that, seemingly, everyone knows about the Hamburglar and yet no one can actually recall how they know about him or when exactly they discovered him? He is as elusive as they come (doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page!!!). This much we do know: he wears a black and white jumpsuit, looooves hamburgers, and shows a certain disregard for property law. He is a wildcard in every sense of the word.
• Achilles – Well that’s unfortunate for everyone else. I’m not saying I’m ready to call this thing but I am saying that, barring a Woodsian meltdown, this competition is his to lose. I mean c’mon, its Achilles. On a side, note, the tension between Achilles and Helen of Troy may be an interesting sub-plot.
  

After the Reaping, here are the current Vegas odds:

1) Achilles - 1/3

2) Dalton - 10/1

3) Katniss - 20/1

4) Super Mario - 30/1

5) Dwight Schrute - 35/1

6) Nic Cage - 40/1

7) Willy Wonka – 60/1

8) Kate – 60/1

9) Kevin McCallister – 75/1

10) Horatio – 75/1

11) Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1

12) Helen of Troy - 90/1

13) The Hamburglar – 90/1

14) Yossarian – 90/1

15) Harry Potter – 100/1

16) Lenny – 120/1

17) Steve Urkel – 200/1

18) Charlie Kelly – 250/1

19) Marcia Brady – 300/1

20) Willy Loman – 400/1

21) Hester Prynne – 600/1

22) Miss Piggy – 800/1

23) Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1

24) Boo Radley - ?

Place your bets now, the action will commence in the next post...

A Farewell to Bunce, The Hefeweizen Hedgehog

(An old high school pic with Alya's back to us.  Claaaassic Alya.  And yes, I am wearing a headband and Gander Mountain cutoff.  Look the part, be the part.)

Some things seem predictable, some things almost preordained.  Texas A&M will always churn out top draft picks while simultaneously staying mediocre.  The Arrested Development movie will always be in pre-production until Gob can legitimately trade in his Segway for the hoverboard from Back to the Future II.  Russell Westbrook will always foolishly think he's better than Kevin Durant.  Lebron was always going to leave for Miami, and Nick Bunce was always going to leave for Germany.

I met Nick in high school during our junior year PreCal class.  He had just moved from Austin, and the first thing the rest of us noticed as the new kid walked in was that he had a goatee so gigantic that even John Salmons would have been impressed. No one else in the school even thought such facial hair could exist at that age.  (Seriously, Bunceadelphia's driver's license looks like he was just a young impressionable Amish kid excited about Rumspringa.)  It was written that we would be friends once we realized that we had a mutual interest in Lost, classic rock, and the criminally underrated (yet ever-changing) band Wolfmother.  

Bunce's fixation with Germany was pretty evident from the start.  (That Janisch and I didn't come up with the nickname "Hefeweizen Hedgehog" until last week is one of the great regrets in our life.)  He made a trip there after high school and spent an entire semester there in college.  Upon coming back for his final semester at A&M, it was clear that he was now a stranger in a strange land.  He was looking for something missing and itchin' like a hound, Charlie Kelly-style, to get back to what he now considered his home. 

And he found a way.

On his last night in America, it was pretty amazing how tangible the end of an era felt.  We hung atop of my friend Blake's new apartment with a perfect shot of the sprawling Houston skyline.  It was clear that we had come a long way from hanging out at the secluded lake house and that whether we are ready or not, the next stage of life is here.

So good luck Bunce.  I hope you find what you're looking for out there.

-PB