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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Ty and Ryan's Fictional Hunger Games (Part IX)

To Kill a Love Triangle
 
The night is dark and Kevin McCallister is hard at work.  He has been avoiding confrontation as much as possible during the Games; partly because he has spent most of his time shooting toy soldiers with his BB gun, but mostly because deep down he knows his moment to shine is yet to come.  He waits patiently for the climax of the competition, much like he waited until the end of Home Alone to depose of Harry and Marv. 
 
And those guys were a lot scarier than these MORONS, he thinks to himself as he recollects his victorious encounter with Wonka.  He ties a rope to the trigger of his BB gun and creatively wraps the other end to a lowrising branch.  If someone walks by at night, they will undoubtedly hit the branch and get shot by the BB, he concludes.  He takes comfort knowing that if that doesn't work, he still has the various paint cans, micromachines, and blowtorches that sponsors have sent him.  Kevin has the distinct advantage of being the only remaining kid in the competition, bringing a slew of various items to cause malaise from sympathizing sponsors.
 
As Kevin works meticulously at hiding nails face-up in the grass, he hears bristling in the woods.  Chills run down his spine faster than a New York minute.
 
Could it be him?
 
Very early in the competition Kevin was cavalier towards his opponents.  Not many looked formidable; the only one who was, Achilles, was taken out by a man who the Wet Bandits themselves would scoff at.  That was until the giant, pale man who lurked in the shadows began to haunt his dreams.  He had only seen him twice so far, but both encounters proved to be more frightening than the next.  
 
The first time Kevin was setting a trap for the Hamburglar.  A sponsor had sent a burger from the sky, no doubt to assuage any fears that the Hamburglar had about not having any inside the arena.  However, Kevin slyly picked it up and began to set a trap for his striped foe.  By placing the burger on top of a pit, he planned to catch his first victim.  He watched from a distance as the Hamburglar spoke to Katniss, believing it was only a matter of time before his opponent noticed the burger and lost all reason.  Kevin was giddy in that almost-but-not-quite-sociopathic way of his that was only revealed when he had to protect his house or when Elijah Wood came to visit.  That was until the monster man, who never said a word, revealed himself from behind a brush.  His placid demeanor terrified young Kevin and he scrambled away into the woods, screaming the entire way.  He didn't know what happened to the burger, but he believed the man had something to do with the Hamburglar's face being shown as a fallen tribute in the sky that night.
 
The next time he saw the mysterious man was much quicker yet even more terrifying.  Kevin had found himself in a tree when Super Mario began to trip on mushrooms.  Kevin, a master of all things Mario due to his incessant love for Gameboy, eagerly placed the mushroom around the plumber after he heard Mario's joyous laughter.  Mario quickly took the bait and his reaction to the psychedelic drug was almost instant.  He watched with amusement as Mario crouched down and then launched himself in the air, believing he was actually growing.  After throwing imaginary fireballs into the air, Mario ran full-speed into the woods and directly into the pale man, who stood stoic by a tree.
 
"Donkey Kong.  Is that you?" Mario asked hysterically.  The man didn't answer, but continued to stare with dead eyes.  "Let's go Kong! Time to save the Princess! Ya ha!"  Mario ran sluggishly ahead, leaving behind the towering ghost.  The man turned his head upwards, noticing Kevin in the tree immediately. 
 
 
Kevin ran, hands on cheeks, screaming into the woods.
 
Now Kevin hid as if he had just destroyed his brother Buzz's shelves.  He awaits his menacing stalker on a tree branch attached to a blowtorch.  As soon as I see him, I'll blow him to Kingdom come.
 
Much to Kevin's surprise, three figures emerge from the forest.  One is an athletic male wearing 80's attire and a decidedly awesome mullet.  To his right, the same dark-haired beauty who he witnessed wooing both Cage and Wonka from before looked longingly at Dalton.  Trailing a few feet behind, the homeless-looking guy who attacked Achilles on the first day is visibly shaking, clearly having withdrawals.
 
 
 
"Dalton," Kate says, "I wouldn't have left Cage if I didn't have deep feelings for what we have."
 
"Save it, Kate.  I'm not into brunnetes."
 
"Hey, Kate, I still kinda have a thing for the Waitress...she's my one an only...but can I ask you somethin'?"
 
Kate stops five feet from the very tree where, unbeknownst to her, Kevin McCallister holds a can of paint, ready to attack.  Yet although his position works in his advantage, he is weary to attack three at once, deciding to hold off unless one runs into his BB trap. 
 
Kate, meanwhile, is slowly coming to grips that she left the enigmatic yet promising Cage, who insisted on "taking off Dwight's face" for these two clowns on the off-chance she could start a love triangle with them.  Little did she know that Dalton's zen prevented him from falling for anyone other than blonde doctors while  Charlie would be as useful as a pair of kitten mittons.
 
"What is it, Charlie?" she asked, exasperated.
 
"Uh..you haven't by chance picked up any glue in the arena, huh?  Mac promised he was gonna send some.  Man!  What's a guy gotta do to huff a li'l glue around here, huh?!"
 
Kate doesn't answer, but continues to walk.  Dalton looks at his comrade, placing a knowing arm around him.
 
"Don't worry, buddy," Dalton says, "we're going to take real good care of you at the Cornucopia.  Have you ever tried meditating?"
 
Charlie looks past him with wide eyes, noticing something laying in the grass just ahead of them.  He laughs maniacally and runs towards the package while Dalton and Kate look at him curiously.
 
"What is it, Charlie?" Kate asks cautiously.
 
Charlie doesn't answer at first, instead crouching down and examining a sleek suit that he has grown to love over the years.  He picks it up and shows it to his friends gleefully. They stare back in confusion.
 
"Awww yeah! Mac in the house!  Don't you see what it is?!" Charlie exclaims.  "We can win now!"
 
"Charlie, we can't win anything," Kate says.  "Do you not remember the rules?  And what is that?  It smells horrible."
 
Charlie doesn't answer, but begins to put on the suit.
 
"Guys... I'M GREENMAN!"
 
 
 
Kevin looks on as the three people disappear into the night before sighing with relief.  He had the jump on them, but he would wait for an opportunity to pick them off one by one.  He just needed some more ---
 
SNAP!
 
The branch that Kevin rests on breaks in half, sending him sprawling towards the ground like a sack of voltage adapters.  Three feet from the ground, his leg tangles in a noose he had prepared earlier on an adjacent branch.  He now hangs helplessly from the ankle, which seers in pain.  He yelps, but tries his best to conceal his lamentations until he realizes the blowtorch has been activated mere inches from him.  It dangles on a string, coming dangerously close to burning him.  It will be a matter of moments before his own traps doom him.  He groans at his misfortune.
 
"My brother was right," Kevin says aloud, "I AM A DISEASE!"
 
Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from the abyss.  Kevin's heart sinks into his stomach, an impressive feat seeing as he hangs upside down.  He slowly begins to realize that the torch may now be the least of his worries.
 
It's him.
 
Kevin begins to scream as the man walks slowly towards him, a nervous look in his eyes.  He yells for the trio to come back to save him, but no one comes.  The ghost stares at him for a few moments, curiously watching the blowtorch spin next to the boy, before making his move towards him.  Kevin closes his eyes, finally accepting his fate.
 
Before he knows it, he senses the man's large hands tearing at rope, loosening the grip of the noose.  Confused, Kevin opens his eyes and sees that the man isn't trying to harm him, but is freeing him.  He lands with a thud on the ground below him, his ankle swelling profusely.  Kevin looks up at the man with bewildered eyes.  No one says a word.  Finally, the man waves to him.  Kevin hesitantly waves back.  The man then extends his hand to help the mischievous boy to his feet. 
 
"Hi."
 
"Huh..hello."
 
"...I'm Boo."
 
1)      Achilles - 1/3
2)      Dalton - 10/1
3)      Katniss - 20/1
4)      Super Mario - 30/1
5)      Dwight Schrute - 35/1
6)      Nic Cage - 40/1
7)      Willy Wonka – 60/1
8)      Kate Austen– 60/1
9)      Kevin McCallister – 75/1
10)  Horatio – 75/1
11)  Rudy Ruettiger - 80/1
12)  Helen of Troy - 90/1
13)  The Hamburglar – 90/1
14)  Yossarian – 90/1
15)  Harry Potter – 100/1
16)  Lennie – 120/1
17)  Steve Urkel – 200/1
18)  Charlie Kelly – 250/1
19)  Marcia Brady – 300/1
20)  Willy Loman – 400/1
21)  Hester Prynne – 600/1
22)  Miss Piggy – 800/1
23)  Adrian Balboa – 1,000/1
24)  Boo Radley - ? 

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