"Charlie, I think it's time for you to wash that off," Dalton sighed as he serenely chopped at the air.
Charlie, Dalton, and Marcia sit near a bubbling brook, taking a few
minutes to rest after hours of trekking. Marcia admires her companion
as he practices karate in the sunlight, forgetting that he actually had
never stopped performing since they teamed up. Meanwhile, she is still
terrified of Charlie, whose blood-soaked beard had dried in the heat.
"Ah c'mon, Dalton, I killed Achilles! You think I'm gonna kill
that guy and then just wash this glory off?" Charlie laughed
hysterically. Dalton didn't acknowledge him, instead choosing to bask
in the sunlight. Charlie, feeling uneasy at his calm, concedes, dumping
his head face-first into the icy brook. Red splotches drifted
downstream. Marcia gives a disgusted look and began singing "It's a Sunshine Day" to ease herself.
"Aww yeahh! Look what I found!"
Charlie lifts a dead fish from the water joyously and begins to do a
little jig. Finally, Dalton stops his act and peers upon the
situation. He has no idea how his companion could find substance, not
realizing that Charlie's venomous mouth is so potent that at least five
other fish died moments after his face tainted the brook.
"Groovy!" Marcia exclaims.
"That's a good fish. We can cook--"
Dalton stops mid-sentence as Charlie takes a giant bite out of the fish.
"Eww! Alice always cooks those first!" Marcia, defeated, collapses into Dalton's stoic arms and begins to cry.
Charlie continues to take hunks off of the fish until he realizes
there's more blood flowing down his face. Not wanting to seem low class, he wipes it off with his forehand
and inexplicably bows, extending the half-eaten raw fish to his new
friends. Dalton looks at him with no expression.
"Dead fish don't swim around in jealous tides."
Charlie looks at him quizzically, utterly incapable of
understanding Dalton's philosophy. The quote, along with Marcia holding on to him
like he was Desi Arnaz Jr., makes him realize just how inferior he is to
the bouncer.
"You're so cool, Dalton, man...you want me to eat another fish or somethin'? Tell me what I should do to be cool like you."
Dalton's '80s-style hair sweats magnificently in the sun. He
thinks about the company he is keeping; deep down he always knew it
would come to this as he always had a penchant for blondes and lovable
losers. It would have made more since for him to team up with that Kate
girl, who seemed to have some use, or even the ninja star-throwing
office worker (whose smoky fire was still visable on the horizon), but
then again, Dalton never seemed to mind the struggle. In fact, he
welcomed it.
"Charlie, there are a few rules of being successful in this game.
The first, expect the unexpected. The second, never understimate your
opponent. And the third, be nice."
"That sounds.........AWESOME bro!"
Dalton knew that Charlie was a lost cause and reached into his
pocket. "Also, here is a dagger that I found that I have no use for.
Only use physical violence when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary."
Just a little ways away inside an unexplained pipe, a short, plump
little man watches what's unfolding. Super Mario had spent hours in his
singular mission trying to track down the Princess. That damned Bowser is within my grasp,
he thought to himself. Along the way, he discovered what he thought
was King Koopa. Only after the fact did he realize that it was just
sad, depressing Willie Loman. Who was probably hiding the fake Princess somewhere, too. And on top of that, why are there so many fake Princesses?
About an hour earlier, Mario had found a mushroom in a field. Thinking he would grow to be big (or, compared to the rest, normal sized), he devoured it. Since then he was oblivious to the reality that it was, in fact, a psychedelic mushroom and that he was currently tripping. In his eyes, he had finally found Bowser, who was holding on to the Princess while his brother Luigi was forced to eat raw fish. Because even in his drugged out trip, Mario knew not to eat raw fish.
Mario, feeling heroic, jumps out of the pipe and leaps his way
towards the trio, showing off his trademark laugh the entire way.
Because of this, Dalton and the rest notice the hilarious site of a
drugged-up Mario sluggishly making his way to them.
"Oh yes come right in," Charlie said as Mario pushed him violently
out of the way. He continues to make an outstanding leap, intending to
flatten the imposing Bowser. In reality, Dalton shrugs this attack off
and throws Mario back towards Charlie. Mario lands next to him in a
tired heap.
"Luigi, I can't do this alone!" Mario whispers as he gets to her feet.
"Luigi? I'm not your brother, bro! But I-"
"Your breath is HORRIBLE. Now help me kill Bowser."
Mario turns and pulls out a gun, which he had found in the pipe
earlier. Luckily he honed his skill during his time in Super Smash
Bros. He aims it at Dalton with a menacing laugh. "Yahoo!"
Dalton didn't hesitate, standing directly in front of Marcia in order to protect her. In one fell swoop, he grabs Mario with one hand and menacingly holds up his other hand towards the tiny plumber's neck. As the gun goes off, Dalton mercilessly tears the throat out of the 64-bit Italian, who falls into a heap. Dalton turns around to see what he already feared most: Marcia Brady, holding her stomach where the bullet went piercing through. He runs towards her as she remained staggering.
At the exact moment, a shiny dagger flies over Dalton's shoulder,
the blunt end hitting Marcia square in the face. As she falls over,
Dalton looks back incredulously at Charlie.
"Charlie, what are you doing?!"
"Oh I'm sorry!" Charlie says sarcastically, "I see a gun and I'm NOT going to throw that dagger. I don't think so."
Dalton looks down at his fallen woman, who has time to give out her final, meager words before her death.
ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION: SUPER MARIO AND MARCIA BRADY
2) Dalton - 10/1
3) Katniss
- 20/1
4) Super
Mario - 30/1
5) Dwight
Schrute - 35/1
6) Nic
Cage - 40/1
8) Kate
Austen– 60/1
9) Kevin
McCallister – 75/1
12) Helen of Troy - 90/1
16) Lennie –
120/1
17) Steve Urkel
– 200/1
18) Charlie
Kelly – 250/1
24) Boo Radley
- ?
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